It's Taken Care Of

I watched nine hours of George Carlin this weekend. You know, he was kinda good looking when he was young. NBC also ran the very first Saturday Night Live with George Carlin hosting. So I've been saturated. Geez I'm gonna miss the guy.

I think the girl I used to work out with has finally flown the coop. She hasn't been around for close to four weeks now. It's OK. I can do it by myself. Hell, I live my whole life by myself anyway. So what else is new? 

I'm still doing to intensive cardio/strength training. I get through most of it. Today was challenging. But I did it. I ordered the Rotation Diet from Amazon.com. I did this diet back in the '80s and had some pretty good success with it. I know it's a hard diet, but I need to do something to shock my body. I really want to lose at least 30 more pounds, and it ain't happenin' doin' the things that I'm doin'.

I got my car title and registration taken care of. I didn't count on the emotions it was going to dredge up, though. Opening the box that had all of the stuff in it from when Al died—death certificates, papers for the funeral home, tax forms, and insurance statements—my breath caught in my throat. My stomach clinched. But I got what I needed out of the box. Then I had to go to the court house. That was an ordeal. But the people who work there made it easier than I expected. I guess they have to deal with people who have lost love ones all of the time and can handle them with a lighter touch. Then I had to go to the DMV. And that wasn't so bad either. The guy who was helping me was very nice. So it all didn't make me wish I hadn't done it. I'm glad I did. 

I still feel kind of sad, though. It brought back many of the feelings. And right now, I don't know what to do with them.

TGIF

HBO is running all of its George Carlin Specials. I DVR'd about six of them and watched four last night. You know, it's just as funny the 140th time you see it. I'm really going to miss him. He was a part of my life ever since I was a kid. It's his fault that I question everything. 

OK. I did the high intensity interval workout again today. This time I started a little earlier so I made it all the way through it. It was tougher today than it was on Monday. I guess because I've already worn myself out by the end of the week. I really hope this does something. But it is making me feel more like I had a real workout. I've been getting that burst of adrenaline about midway through it. And then I feel great for the rest of the day. That always amazes me.

Caught a glimpse of my crush on the way out. I really need to get a real life. At least it's Friday.

My knee feels like I overextended it again. I guess it can't really heal until I allow it to rest.

As for other things, does avoiding someone like the plague ever really work? 

I have to do a bunch of stuff related to my car today—things that I didn't do after Al died like change the title. I'm not looking forward to it. 

Well, it's another work day. So it's off to work with me then.

I Really Feel My Age

Once again this morning, I had a private aerobics class. This appears to be a trend. But it was OK. I can really feel my age when I'm the only one exercising—the pressure's on you know. It's like having a personal training session every other day. But it's kind of hard to slack when you're the only one in class, too. 

I'm still plateaued. I don't know what to do. I've tried so many things. I'll keep hanging in there, though. No matter what, I'm still better than I was last year. I'm really beginning to feel healthier, too. I feel like I have a lighter step—more bounce. I just wish I could break this plateau. Grrrr.

Nothing new to report on yesterday's post. I will let you know what happens. It turns out that this more of an interesting predicament than I first thought. But I'll have to be vague about that for now.

Last night I dreamed I was going to a conference. There were these two guys there who I first thought must be professors or doctors or something. They were wearing trench coats. But when they took the coats off, they were covered in tattoos, and all dirty. I was surprised. I thought they must be really scuzzy. But then I started talking to them and they turned out to be kinda nice. I'm not sure what this means, but I'll figure it out. 

Nothing About Weight Loss or Exercise--Just Reasons Why I Am the Way I Am

I have a "friend" that I really don't trust very much. And yesterday, true to form, he made me realize that my intuitions were correct. We have kind of a past--going back about seven years. When I first met him, he didn't give me a chance. He immediately assumed the worst of me because of the things another person said about me. He even did malicious little things to me to make me feel bad, despite not knowing me. I know, I never should've given him the opportunity to "do it again." But I have to work with this guy. So being a mature human being, I allowed him to become my "friend."

Since that time and over the seven years that I've known him, we never really had much of a relationship--because of the way we started out. He minded his business and I minded mine. And I never really trusted him. I know, it's with good reason that I didn't trust him. Then last fall we had to travel together. We had to spend six hours in car with each other. At first things were like they always were. Just kind of OK. Then as time dragged on, we started talking and the conversation got warm and fuzzy. I talked a lot about Al and our life together. I even let a couple of secrets slip. I talked about my youth. I talked about the things I wanted out of life. I foolishly thought that we had a breakthrough and really were becoming friends. But as it turns out, he thought I wanted to sleep with him. Well, he was all over that. But I misread the situation. I'm still at loss as to how he could've thought I wanted to sleep with him from the things I said--especially when I was talking mostly about my dead husband. Maybe it's that he's dead and I must be "missing it." Nudge, nudge. Wink, wink.

When we got back, he started telling everyone that something happened between us while we were away. And then I found out that he telling everyone that we were going to have an affair. Well, I got really pissed off and didn't even want to be in the same room with him for a while. But then as some time passed I started feeling a little more generous, and I let my guard down. We traveled together again a couple of more times, and much to his dismay we never did sleep together. But I'm still the kind of person who gives people the benefit of the doubt. I thought we were friends.

Yesterday, however, it all came to a big realization. We are not friends. I don't want to sleep with him, so he doesn't want me around anymore. He has now found another person he thinks is a potential bed buddy--and I just cramp his style. So now I'm hurt. What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I constantly get myself into relationships with people who only want something from me? And who don't give a damn if they hurt me? And I, like a fool, keep coming back for more.

So I didn't go to work today. I couldn't sleep last night. I was so angry once I allowed myself to face the truth. So now how do I continue to work with someone I hate? And this other girl--I think she's falling for his charm. Do I clue her into his real motives? I tried once before, and I thought she got it. But she's having "trouble at home." And she's lonely. And she tells him all of this. And he's feeding on it like a Parana. I can see this heading for some big mistakes. (Which I thank God in Heaven I did not make. Remember my "Red Flag" dream? Well, I took my own unconscious mind's advice. If I was throwing up that many red flags, well, I must know what I'm talking about. And baby did I ever. ) But can I really do anything about it? If they want to, they're going to "do it" no matter what I have to say.

You see. This is why I can never have a satisfactory life. I'm such a sucker. I keep believing in the "goodness of mankind" when any goodness that I see is really just my imagination. Everyone is out for himself, or herself, as the case may be. What just absolutely kills me is that I thought we really were friends. I should've known. All along I kept going back to the way it was when we first met. I would remember how it felt to be humiliated on a daily basis when I felt myself being sucked into the charm that was being spewed about. Sometimes it made me cry. But it kept me grounded in reality and from making a huge mistake. And again I thank God for giving me some kind insight, and I won't even begin to be able to thank Him for the good sense.

I've always been a keen observer of human kind. And I usually know someone's true colors immediately. But I try to give people the opportunity to prove me wrong. Unfortunately, I'm rarely wrong. And in this case, I am so glad I listened to myself. Now if I can just get this poor, pitiful girl to listen to me--but if I can't, at least I will have tried. And she won't be able to say she wasn't warned. But I'm still pissed off.

I never allowed myself to talk about this here before because, in all honesty, I was embarrassed. I didn't want anyone to know that I was stupid enough to give someone a chance--over and again--who would have the nerve to treat me like I was only here for his pleasure. And who never would've done the same thing for me. As it turns out, I was right. I should be embarrassed. So here's to publicly getting all out.

Wow. That was great. I feel like I just threw up.

Super Sweat

Today was the second interval workout. It took me more than an hour to get through it. And I did almost all of it. I'll need to start a little a sooner—like maybe 10 minutes sooner. 

Crush sighting again today. It was like: You're so hot, one, two, three, OMG, four, five, six, nice ass, seven, eight, nine. . . . God I love it when he comes to the gym. But somehow he sneaked out and I missed watching him walk away. Damn.

A couple of the other people in my program asked me what I was doing: "Are you doing some kind of high intensity workout?"

"Yeah, and you're next," I said.

"Oh no, not me. I don't want that kind of workout."

Maybe it was my blood red face that was discouraging them. Hmmm.

This weekend was OK. I spent Saturday with my girls. I love them so much. Yesterday I did laundry and cleaned the house. What a boring life I lead.  I also caught up on the shows I had recorded on my DVR. Yeah, I know I should slow down. 

OK. I do have a lot of work to do, so bye bye for now.

I Thought I Was Going to Die

I had a personal training session this morning. OMG, I thought I was going to die. It was a cardio interval-thing. You know, you do a few of cardio and then run over to a weight machine and do two sets of 15 reps and then back to a cardio machine and so on. So after an hour of this, the trainer says, "OK now we'll go back to the bike," and I said, "No we're done." I was so tired I was shaking. And I still had to go to work. 

So I'm supposed to do this new workout twice a week. I think I can if I lower the intensity a little bit. But I can't go like I did this morning. I'm definitely going to be sore.

Crush sighting today but I didn't have much of a chance to ogle. I was too busy being killed. 

So I wrote a grant for $600,000 and it was funded by the EPA. I still can't believe it. I'm so excited I don't know what to do with myself.

No More Travel Please

I had another one of those personal aerobics classes today—where I was the only one who showed up. So it was OK. And the instructor kind of toned down a lot of the class just for me—because I'm old and can't move around like those young kids do. And I'm not kidding.

Well, I'm back from a really good conference/workshop. I got a lot out of it. It was the League of Women Voters Water Resources Education Network conference. They really do a lot even though they are a small group. And it was everything I need for a lot of work I'm doing here—source water protection stuff. So, it's all good.

I'll try to write more later. I have so much to catch up on.

I Won't be Around Until Thursday

I have to travel for work again over the next two days. So I won't be able to check in again until Thursday. 

I'm feeling really down today. Nothing like getting mixed signals from a friend to make you wonder why you even bother. 

So I may not be able to do a full workout tomorrow. That's OK. Sometimes I feel like quitting early anyway, even though I never do it.  At least tomorrow I'll have an excuse. 

So see you Thursday.

Writing It All Down

It's been a year since I started this journey. I had a fitness assessment today. Turns out I am now in pretty good shape—at least my insides are. I walked a 13.39 mile, lifted 35 pounds 25 times, did 23 full sit ups in one minute, and I should be happy. My flexibility could use some work, but it's much better than when I started. But I'm still bummed out because of my plateau. 

I decided my goal for the next year is to lose 30 pounds. But I have to breakthrough this plateau to that. So, if I'm physically healthy, the only thing to do is examine the diet—and I need to be as honest with myself as I expect others to be. That's means I really need to write everything down. So I have my diet diary at hand. Writing it down makes me more calorie conscious. 

It's getting ready to storm here—lots of lightening and thunder. We're supposed to get some real thunder boomers. I hope it's not too bad.

I think this is going to be a long day. There aren't many people here to talk with. And I feel kind of down. So it's going to be a day that just won't end.

Why are those two guys running away?

I'm baacck. 

And I am still tired. I did a lot of standing. Last night I woke up with both of my legs severely cramping. And they still hurt. I didn't lose any weight, but I didn't gain any either. So that's a good thing. I did a lot of walking, too. The exhibit hall was in the bowels of the Georgia World Conference Center. So it was four flights down and back at least twice every day. And the last day we were there, I made the trek about five times. 

While I was in Atlanta, I saw these two guys running up the middle of the street—my first clue that something was wrong should've been that they were running up the MIDDLE of the street. But my first thought was that they were jogging. Then I thought, "Wow, they're going awfully fast to be jogging." The I look over to my left, and I see these two other guys being arrested—already in handcuffs and waiting to be escorted to the paddy wagon. Now, I'm thinking, "Oh, well then that makes sense that those two were running so fast." I don't know if one of the "running guys" was some a plain clothes cop or not. There were a number of other cops standing around, and they didn't seem to concerned. I guess they had things under control.

I did not workout while I was on travel. I decided to take a break. This morning was the first time I've worked out since last Friday. It was a little more challenging.

So I begin Phase III of weight management program today. If I lose 25 to 30 more pounds over the next year, I'll be happy. I have to keep this up for life—I know that. I'm just waiting for the day when I can maintain my weight. I've heard, though, that's it's tougher to keep it off than it is to lose it. I hope I can keep it off.

Is there anything wrong with finding a younger man attractive? There was this waiter at the hotel we were staying at—he was the most the delicious-looking thing on the menu. But does it make me a dirty old woman to look? When he noticed me looking at him, he smiled and kind of blushed. But he still smiled and even allowed his eyes to meet mine. I could've eaten him alive. Anyway, this is supposed to be a blog about weight loss and exercise, not my wicked thoughts. But the wicked thoughts are more fun, right?

Anyway, I'll have more to say as I think of things that happened over the past week. 

P.S. Oddly enough, today on Friday the 13th, I ended my hour-long cardio session by burning 666 calories. What does this mean? 

Last Post for a Week

I woke up too early this morning. Now I'm already tired. I did a cardio workout today and skipped the weights. And I'm taking next week off. I really need to give my body a rest. I'll probably do a lot of walking next week, but no gym. Then when I do go back, maybe I'll see some results. 

I'll be in Atlanta working, so I won't be just goofing off. I probably won't be blogging from there. So you won't hear from me until Thursday or so. 

I got to go shopping yesterday and buy smaller clothes. I love it. But I still have a long way to go. And if it takes another year or so, that's OK. What else am I doing?

I hope I have a lot to report on once I get back. My life has been so routine lately, that I have little new to talk about. Work has been good. I'm excited about new opportunities. I'm getting the chance to move beyond "the same old thing." And it's a good thing. 

I think I'm going to get a manicure tonight. And maybe a pedicure. 

Well, I'm running dry. Until next week then.

I'm Melting

The humidity is so bad here, I almost sweat myself to death this morning. It was literally dripping from me. And I clocked in another aerobics class.

I was wondering how the instructor who teaches the boot camp class feels knowing that she's actually killed people?

Crush sighting. It's a good day.

Now That Throws Up a Red Flag

I think I figured out my dream with RED FLAGS. I was throwing up RED FLAGS for myself. And, yes, I get it. Sorry, I can't go into detail here because the explanation has to do with work, and you know how it goes if you talk about your job on your blog. It can get ugly, and I need my job. 

It hit me last night what the dream meant. Dreams are many times a metaphor literally being acted out. So how could I get a message to myself? I literally threw up RED FLAGS. There were red flags everywhere in my dream. And I was the one who was throwing them. Once I figured out that part, the rest was simple. Sorry, I can't go on. Maybe somewhere else. Maybe I'll start a blog about dreams and their meaning. Dreams are very personalized. Some symbols do occur in all of our dreams and there are those recurring dreams that we all have—like being late for a test that we forgot to study for, or the ever infamous being naked somewhere dream. But for the most part, you are the best interpreter of your dreams. And the symbols in your dream are usually significant to you and no one else. You ask yourself, "What does it mean to me?" 

Anyway, I know not to do something now—absolutely for sure not to do it. With all of those red flags, how could I miss it?

Todays' workout was good. I feel refreshed. I like going to the gym. I don't think I would exercise on my own. So I need to get up and go somewhere and do it. In other words, that has to be my intention. 

No crush sighting today. I guess Monday was my big thrill for the week. 

In other news, I'm doing OK, just getting old. But hey, they say 50 is the new 40—whatever that's supposed to mean. I was born at the tail end of the baby-boomer years. So I guess I am technically a baby boomer.  And I guess that means I'm one of those people who will flood the system with needs for medical care and whatever else it's supposed I'll need. How did I get off on this topic? 

OK. That's enough for today. 

Almost a Year Has Gone By

Today, I have leg cramps. It was really hard getting through step class when my legs didn't want to move. I think I must make a lot of faces that reflect my agony. The instructor kept saying, "Just a little longer," while she was looking right at me. 

It has been almost a full year since I started going to the gym. I began on June 15 last year. I looked at my before pictures yesterday, and I don't recognize the person in them. I'm not sure who that woman was, but that's not me anymore. She is old and obese. She looks tired and sad. I still look at little sad, but I've come a long way. I look 10 years younger. I feel 20 years younger. It doesn't pain me to walk up the steps anymore. I have more flexibility. I feel better than I did when I was 40. 

No "crush" sighting today, but yesterday was pretty good. So that'll hold me over for a while. 

I was on a dreaming marathon last night. I dreamed I was working as a chef and serving people all kinds of food. Then I became some kind agricultural researcher, and I was taking soil samples. I had these things that had a red flag on one end, and the other end was this thing that collected the samples. I had to throw it in the air, and then wherever it landed I took the sample. It was really odd. Somehow my nephew was involved, but I can't remember the dream in its entirety. My little flags were landing in some strange places, too, like at the top of a steep rock wall. I remember not being too worried about having to climb up and get them because I felt I was in good enough shape. Anyway, it was of those dreams that I didn't get to finish. The alarm went off first. Anyway. . . .

I don't know what else to say today, so I'll be off then. 

Are you looking at me?

For some reason I couldn't sign on this morning. This is the first time I've been able to get through. Anyway. . . .

"Crush" sighting this morning. I got caught ogling. Doh. I got a smile and a wave anyway. I wanted to say, "You mind dropping your towel and then turning around to pick it up?" But I didn't. I just smiled and waved back. I can't help it. I just really like looking at this guy. And what is the real harm in that? As a matter of fact, I think it means I've reached a new level in my life. I'm past the horrible, hurtful grief of losing Al. I still miss him, but I don't cry when I think of him now—at least not all of the time. And I now have the ability to find someone else attractive. While this crush will go nowhere—because my crush is already attached and really unattainable—I can still look at him in way that I haven't been able to look at a man in a long time. And that ain't bad.

OK. I'm looking for suggestions about how to get past a plateau. I've been in basically the same place for three months. I feel like my legs and butt and getting firmer, but the upper body hasn't changed much. Also, the scale isn't moving. I know I've had some success with losing inches, but not the many inches. I'm frustrated. I think what I need is drastic change in the overall exercise plan because I've changed my diet in number of ways with no effect. Does anyone know any good intervals workouts for cardio? How about strength? And I'll take diet suggestions, too. Let me know if anything has worked for you that may even sound a little odd or not traditional. I'm getting desperate for change.

Ok, then. That's it for now.