Addiction Reflection

Addiction is something I think about a lot. Lately I've been watching a lot of TV programs that discuss it. I've also been fascinated by the Ted Williams story—the homeless man who shot to fame overnight because of his "golden voice." Williams has now decided that he needs a stint in rehab. And I say good for him.

If you're new to my blog, you may not know that I have a long history with addiction and addicts. I worked at a local homeless shelter while I was in college. My father was an alcoholic as was my husband. I've become pretty keen at knowing when an addict is lying. I've been pretty sure that Williams has been lying about how long he's been sober. I suspect that he hasn't been sober at all. Lying is characteristic in addiction. I have friend who has a history of addiction but has long been sober. He told me that when he was deep into his addiction, he chose to lie even when it made more sense to tell the truth.

In Williams case, lying about his sobriety isn't the worst of his problems. Becoming famous overnight, however, may have been the catalyst to set him off on a binge that he would not have recovered from. But in deciding that rehab was what he needed more than fame is definitely the right choice.

Dr. Phil Uncovers the Truth
When I watched a few excerpts of Williams appearance on Dr. Phil, and I really looked at Williams' face, the fear that I saw was undeniable.  In part of the discussion, William said he was already thinking of going back to Ohio. Dr. Phil told him that would be the biggest mistake he could make. And Williams got that "he knows my secret" look. I know that look. I know all he wanted to do was run and hide. And then drown out everything in river of alcohol.

The reason I'm discussing this today is that I identify wholeheartedly with addiction. While I've spent my life dealing with alcoholics, I've truly been no better off myself. What my family did with alcohol, I do with food. I use it bury what's really bothering me—stuff it down so it can't get out. And it endangers my health.

Some people say they eat no matter what their feeling—happy, sad, whatever. It's all the same. But in reality, it's what they do to feel good. And it's worked—at least for a while.

What is addiction?
Addiction has typically been thought of as a physical dependence on a chemical, such as alcohol, drugs, or tobacco. We usually think of this chemical as something that alters brain chemistry once it's been ingested. But addiction can occur when a particular behavior becomes a repeated pattern that we use to bring comfort to ourselves, despite negative consequences, such as overeating.

My Addiction

When I get upset, I begin to crave chocolate. I can almost taste it. That's how strong the urge becomes. And eating the chocolate make me feel good while I'm eating it. Afterward though, I'm disgusted with myself. I begin to feel guilty. Then I know that I'll never be the person I want to be. But isn't that a funny choice of words? I know I'll never be able to do it. Am I also fulfilling my own prophesy? Do I think I'm a fake? A phony undeserving of happiness? Is that how all addicts think? We just need to be medicated and put away?

Anyway, these are my thoughts these days. And today, I feel like I'm getting to a place where I have some control. So all of this self reflection has done me some good. I hope you find peace, too.

More later—

Losing the Crutches and Living

When I said that I was thinking about talking more about my childhood, I didn't mean that I intended to constantly rehash the past. I'm finished with feeling sorry for myself. I do, however, want to understand "how I got this way." For me, what it comes down to is forgiveness. And forgiveness goes a long way in healing. It's when people hold onto their stories as a way of justifying their overeating, drinking, drug taking that they never get better—and get depressed.

All of the crutches that we refuse to let go and then believe that no one understands us comes down to this: Millions of people understand what we've been through. Millions of people know exactly what we're talking about. Hiding it helps no one. Relying on it so we can justify remaining bitter, angry, and depressed keeps the cycle going.

I'm tired of hiding my past. I have a friend who openly admits that he was an alcoholic and drug addict in his youth. He doesn't even try to hide it. And what he gets out of that is never having to worry that someone might find out. He doesn't hide behind who he was 20 years ago. I admire his courage. That's what I want to do. Let it go. Purge it. Forgive those who brought me pain. And then live.

Allowing the Pain Leads to the Healing

I watched a lot of TV yesterday, and in the process learned more about myself than I have in years.  Through PBS's This Emotional Life, I discovered that my ruminative thinking is not only learned, it's also likely genetic. My mother and father used this kind of thinking—in other words, they dwelled on everything—why didn't you call? Where have you been? Who were you with? And that wasn't just with me. It was with each other.

Memories of Hard Times
In my house, anger, guilt, and depression dominated, and they were accompanied with addictive behaviors—eating and drinking always to excess. There was also a lot of fighting. My parents didn't pay attention to us kids unless it was to scream at us. I took the flack for everyone mostly because I was tired of living like we did. My parents had many hard times, and they tended to take it out on us—but especially me. I was the middle child.  I tried to make peace in the family many times but usually failed. That typically led to me being punished. And this activity was circular.

Why am I talking about this now? Because psychologists now realize that to truly cope with past memories, you have to remember them. You have to face them to understand them and make peace with them.

Biggest Loser Preserves Spirit, Wins Hearts, Faces Challenge 
As I watched Eric Chopin discuss his trials, failures, and disappointments last night, I identified with him more than I've identified with anyone for a very long time. When he said: "I'm just trying to figure who I'm supposed to be on this earth," I thought he was really telling my story. Sometimes I think I've never really known who I am. Ask my friends and family. I often say that I have no idea why I'm still here.

He also talked about having a feeling inside that he would fail. He said he failed. I understand that, too. Sometimes I think I'm so afraid of failing that I don't even want to try.

And he discussed an almost all or nothing attitude. I have that, too. If I'm focused on losing weight, that's my focus. Finding a balance is the healthy way.

The pain in Eric's eyes was undeniable. And I didn't just sympathize with him; I empathized with him. I know what it feels like to have to go through it all over again. But he's mustering up his courage to face the battle, and maybe this time win the war. I pray for him. I feel for him.

Facing My Battle
Well, here I am once again. Am I ready? I'm making myself ready.