Life Has Its Twists and Turns

Let's see. It's another day in the life of Kathy J. What's going on with me? I took the morning off. This time of year is really bad for me. Another anniversary of Al's death is fast approaching. The season is changing. It's dark a lot longer and a lot earlier. Crying seems like the best way to pass a day.

Went to lunch yesterday with good friends. It's nice to known people who can make you laugh. And what a group of misfits we are. But it's OK--we have each other.

Life is so weird. I try to figure out everyday why I'm still here. It doesn't make any sense. Yesterday, when I was on the treadmill, I kept getting a pain in the upper left portion of my chest. I thought, "Maybe I'm having a heart attack." But then I realized it was muscular--from holding onto the bar so I wouldn't go flying across the gym. A 15% grade is pretty darn steep. I think my heart has probably gotten fairly strong over the last year anyway. I can hear it going boom. boom, boom sometimes.

I'm still working on my fear of abandonment. Seeing people I hadn't seen in long time yesterday helped, but I still have trouble letting people get close. I don't want to get hurt. And I know I will. I can pour my heart out on this public forum, and people from all over the world comment on my posts. But when it comes to being in the company of another warm-blooded human being, I can't talk about anything because I will breakdown. I think if I make a really good friend, he or she will just end up disappearing out of my life and I will be left hanging again--no explanation just no more contact.

Anyway....

Getting the Fat Off

Life is moving too slow—or maybe it's too fast. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. Yet time has flown by. 

I feel like my body is toning up. I still hate my arms—they're better but not what I want them to be. I know that I've been fat for a really long time. So getting the fat off will take time. But I have little patience. 

I felt especially tired during my workout today. Everything took so much effort. I really felt my age. Some days I feel like I'm in my 30s, and then other days I feel like I'm 70. Today is one of those 70s days.

I dreamed all night. But the weren't the kind of dreams I can share—at least not here. I can share one of them that involved spray-on tanner. It was really strange. I was lying on this table that had some kind of mechanized sprayer. And it was just going back and forth over top of me. It was kind of weird. But I was tan. What does it mean? Something in my life seems to be artificial and automatic—but it makes me look good. I have to figure that one out. 

The diet and exercise seem to be going well. This is the last week of a 12-week Weight Watchers at Work program. I guess I'll sign up again. I still get up at 5 a.m. and go the gym. So things are pretty much as they always are.