It's What's Eating You

Are you codependent? I am. Just the other day, I told someone that to feel validated in life I have to feel like I'm needed. Geez. I'm not saying that it isn't OK to want to be needed. It's just when that becomes your primary reason for survival, well, it could be a tad over the top. (Sigh.)

I grew up with an alcoholic—my Dad. I eventually married an alcoholic (before that I lived with one). My entire life, I have been drawn to people I can take care of. And that's one of the giveaway traits of a codependent personality. Needing to be needed.

I've been trying to examine how being codependent is related to being overweight or obese. I believe there is a direct connection. Many codependent people have low self esteem. And many overweight people have low self esteem. Maybe I stay fat so I won't have to deal with life. Does my obsession with food come from being codependent? Is food my own drug of choice? Does that come from a life of dysfunction? Or is it all just an excuse to eat?

Addicted to Food
I watched the first part of Addicted to Food on OWN last night. I relate to the people on that show. Hiding behind a wall of fat is safe place. Sometimes it's hard to believe that a cupcake could be more important than my health, but it so often is. I was bulimic when I was younger. I stayed thin through purging. I no longer purge. Now, I'm a compulsive overeater.

I think I would like to go to Shades of Hope. Tennie says she puts your disease right in your face. In my own therapy, it's been hard admitting to a lot of things I've done to stay in a comfort zone. Right now, even though I want to lose weight, I don't want to give up the foods that make me feel safe—ice cream, cake, bologna, bread, and the like. Maybe being forced to give it up would help. I don't know. I'd like to try.

On the show, the staff at Shades of Hope also said, It's what you're eating. It's what's eating you. How do I figure that out on my own? OK. I know I'm codependent. I know I'm also an addict. I guess that's the beginning, isn't it?

I know this post is confusing. There's too much going on. But that's where my head is. 

Don't' Remind Me that I'm a Screw up

I've been reading a lot of blogs about overeating addictions. Some are them are by the people who are addicted. Others are by people who want to help the addicted person, but don't know how. Some of those people say they have approached the person to point out their behavior thinking they may not know they have a problem.

Believe me, they probably already know it. And here's a hint: People usually don't want to be reminded that they are big screw ups. Oftentimes even what might be considered gentle prodding can be taken the wrong way—especially if the person has a long history of low self esteem. Perhaps he or she was the subject of bulling in school. Or maybe they are the product of strike parents. The kinds of scars left from what happens early in life are hard to heal. And likely have a lot to do with the addictive behavior.

I'll use myself as an example. I know I eat too much and all of the wrong things. I know this behavior leads to my being overweight. I don't need anyone to point that out to me. I know that if I eat an entire cake by myself I will get sick and will likely gain weight—especially if I use this behavior to cope on a regular basis. Here's another hint: I'm not going to stop this behavior as long as it's working for me. Even when it becomes painful, I will still continue this coping behavior because it's worked in the past, and I don't know of other ways to cope with the world. And finding other ways is difficult. It's a lot of hard work.

Continuing with me as an example, what will work for me is finding other people who are like me. People who can't cope with the world unless they eat something—anything. Finding fellowship and realizing that I am not alone has long been my antidote to destructive behavior. This blog has often been a lifesaver—and not the kind comes in fruit flavors. People who stop by to say, "Hey, I know exactly what you mean," and "here's what I did to cope in that situation" have been the biggest help. Others who stop by just to say, "hang in there" help me as well. And to all of you, I say thank you.

What doesn't help, though, is when some friend decides to tell me that I'm eating too much and may be harming my health. "No kidding?" is what I'm thinking. Along with, "Why don't you just go to hell?" While the concern may be real, it's often not taken in that context. Here's another hint: I'm not likely to take this advice and won't do anything to help myself until I'm ready.

So that's all I have to say today. While I may sound bitter—yeah I probably am—constant advice from a well-meaning friend isn't going to help me.