Changing My Nature Challenges My Fortitude (Oh geez. She did it here, too.)

I'm having a sad day despite my efforts to laugh and keep a smile on my face. I guess that's just how it goes sometimes. It's hard, too, because I've always been kind of a sad sack my whole life. And trying to change after more than a half a century is challenging to say the least. 


According to Psychology Today, optimism takes practice. And I can say without hesitation, that's true. I practice everyday trying to stay uplifted—in a good humor. And everyday I have remind myself over and again that being happy is something I want. So I'll fake it until I make it. 


The magazine goes on to say that optimism is more about being persistent and engaged with working toward meeting your goals than it is about being relentlessly happy or always thinking positive thoughts. So I guess a day where a little sadness creeps in isn't the end of my journey. It's the beginning of understanding myself and realizing that meeting a goal takes dedication and hard work. It also takes fortitude. 


Fortitude means mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty, adversity, danger, or temptation courageously. And I need courage when it comes to facing down temptation. 


I'm still fighting a weird internal battle over getting myself to go back to the gym. It's going to take more encouraging self talk to get myself moving again. And even more fortitude. But that's what I'm here for. Right? 


I'm still on my spiritual quest. I think some days that plays on my overall zest for life, too. I never thought that searching for my soul and my connection to God could take so much fortitude. Sorry for the constant use of that word. It just fits in so well with how I'm feeling today. 


Well, getting that out helped my mood. 

It's Not the Worst, and It's Getting Better

The week has been interesting to say the least. I went to the arthritis doctor. I found out my arthritis is no where near as bad as I thought it was. And I left the doctor's office amazed at how I made the situation worse than what it really was. I imagined that my knees were bone-on-bone and should've been replaced  a long time ago. But the doctor said on a scale of one to 10, with 10 being the worst, my knees are a three. (And he has x-rays to prove it.)

I'm glad he did the x-rays. I needed to see that my knees aren't ready to collapse under me.  Now, exercise is an option. The doctor gave me an arthritis medication, and it's helping. He said I would probably have to take it for a couple of weeks to see the real benefit. But it already feels better.

So where am I in terms of weight loss? I'm getting back to where I once was. But I do need to add the exercise back into the equation so I can really get back to where I was.

Spiritually I've had a moment or two where I really understood the universe and how it works. I understand why I always end up in the same situations over and over. Now I'm trying to figure out how to change that once and for all. Meditation helps. Talking helps. And thinking about things in very different terms helps, too.

But it's going to take time. I finally, once and for all, want to get beyond believing that I'm a failure. I want to believe in my own personal power. Life is journey. I want to enjoy mine.

I Needed a Good Laugh

I was feeling kind of down and needed something to lift my spirits this morning—so I started leafing through a copy of Chicken Soup for the Pet Lover's Soul. Best idea I've had in a while. I ran across a cartoon of Dennis the Menace holding a puppy in the air and looking at it's bottom side. He was saying: "That's funny. My dad can tell if it's a boy or a girl just by looking at the bottom if it's feet." Bye-bye bad mood.

Luv Ya!

I am truly grateful to all of my readers and fellow weight loss friends. I love you all.

Short and Sweet

As I write this blog, I think that everything I say makes perfect sense. But when I read back through it, I realize I wasn't always as clear as I thought I was. But then I thought, "Why should anyone care if this blog is perfectly clear or not? It's a personal blog—or journal. And when you get to read someone's personal ramblings, why care if everything is written like a novel? Hey, even some novels could stand a little more editing."

OK. I'm trying to get up the courage to go back to the gym. I have to. Exercise is the missing ingredient in my current weight loss program. The diet is OK. But I'm flabby. And I tire easily. And on and on. So I need to exercise.

I'm still on my spiritual quest. And today I'm tired. I need to let all of the reading and studying jell. The meditation is going well. Fortunately, I had a wellness class a few years ago in which I learned a lot about meditation. So much of that is still with me. It is very relaxing. More relaxing than I remember.

Well, I think this will be a short post today. When I'm tired, concentration is difficult.

Changing Is Hard Work

As I was lying in bed this morning, contemplating whether I should get up and go to work or not, I had all these wonderful ideas for todays' post. By the time I got to work, however, the ideas had flown from my head to some distant location known only to them.

I can't see. I can't see. You lost your glasses.
Over the weekend, I lost my third pair of reading glasses. We were at a mall with my little nephews and niece at the time. I told them I lost my "old lady" glasses. So I searched for a store that sold the ready-made kind—I always wear this kind anyway. Why spend a fortune for prescription glasses that are going to do the same thing? I found a Sears that had them—so I bought two pairs. And I bought the "eyeglass leashes" that old ladies use.

When I was younger, I swore I would never use these. But after losing three pair—that's at least $60—they started to seem like a good idea. And, you know what? They are. It's funny. After you get to a certain age—you really don't care anymore. I wish I had known that when I was young. I guess we all would've like to have been clued in.

The diet's OK. The exercise is, well, . . . .
OK. So as for the diet, it's still going well. As for the exercise—at least I walked around a mall for a couple of hours over the weekend. And at least I got some walking in on Sunday, too. I'd love to get back to the gym. I need to get back to the gym. I will get back to the gym. I need I like. There's one I want to try out, but have been putting off.

What's the real reason?
Why? I'm not sure. Is it the money? A little bit—but I consider it money well spent for the most part. So that's not really it. Am I afraid I'll end up not going? Sort of. All in all, I think I'm just afraid. And that's what I'm trying to get past in my life in all areas—not just health and fitness. Why am I afraid of so many things? I wasn't when I was a kid.

What changed so much? I know people say that you mature when you get older and your priorities change. But do they really change—or do we just get complacent? Does life just become routine and then we think it's too hard to do anything else? It would take too much work to change? Do we think we're too old?

Maybe the real question is: Why can't I change? Do I believe all of the things I tell myself so I don't have to change because it would hard? And I don't want to do anything hard? (If you watch The Office this would be a good place to insert: "That's what she said.")

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the day.

Confessions of a Widow Whose Late Husband Was a Man from a Very Dysfunctional Family

I just read an article about secrets married women keep. No, it wasn't about secret affairs or anything that controversial. It was about prenups, taking the husband's last name, and a few other mundane confessions. Here's my confession—although I loved my husband—when I got married I traded passion for turmoil. And I'm not talking about sex.

Before I got married I had passion for my life. I wanted to succeed. I wanted, well, the world. After, I became a married woman. I lost my passion for life along the way. My life became a drudgery of paying bills, going to work, cooking, cleaning—when I got around to it—and dealing with in-laws who didn't like me very much. In fact one time when my beloved husband decided he wasn't going to speak to them anymore because of the bitterness he felt about his life with them, they decided that since that since they hadn't heard from him—I must've killed him. And I'm as serious as a heart attack and that's something I would never joke about.

The story is much longer than what I've shared here (and much of it revolves around a $50 check that got cashed without his signature—even though you can deposit a check and not have to sign it and get the funds from it), but that's the gist of it. When he died in reality, there were members of his family that insisted I must've had something to do with his death—despite an autopsy detailing he'd had coronary artery disease for years. And I'm serious. And they still believe that I have some kind of designs on their money—even though I wouldn't take it if it were offered. I believe much of the animosity centered around jealousy. But the story gets longer from there, and I've aired enough dirty laundry.

Life as a married woman brought so much stress that I have no idea how I 1) stayed married and 2) didn't drop dead myself. I gained a tremendous amount of weight, and lost sight of who I was. It's now been almost five years since he died. And I'm just now getting back to who I was 20 years ago. Don't get me wrong—I loved my life with Al. We loved each other. But the stressors were too high, and the price of married to a man who comes from a family that dysfunctional is too damn high. It's a life lesson well learned, and something I will never do again.

But now it's time to regain my passion. I'm trying to remember who I was and what I wanted. It's been hard. I believe I found a way to get there with the Secret—but even that's going to take time. Fortunately, I still have a lot of years left.

In case you hadn't noticed, this a dumping post. There may be many more over the next few days or weeks—however it turns out to be. Right now, I believe I'm finding my way. But each day is going to be challenge.

My Journey to Enlightenment

Life is turning into a great life. It's taking some effort, but it's been worth it. A real life can unfold for everyone if they just believe they have the power. Their power is not outside of them. It's inside. That's the key. I'm not saying that thinking like this is in anyway easy—especially if you're used to giving your power away. It takes several weeks of telling yourself everyday that your are the one who's in control. But once it starts to sink in, it opens a whole new world to you. It begins with The Secret and it keeps going with you. Think I'm full of it? Give it a shot. The only thing you have to lose is a bad attitude.

Remember: It isn't easy. But it's worth it.

That's all for today. I'm still traveling on my journey to enlightenment. And I'm still avoiding sugar—although I did fall off the wagon this weekend. Never to my benefit though. I always end up getting sick after I eat the sugar. I think I was closer to diabetes than I once thought.

Thank You for Always Being There

I have a summer cold, and it's not too bad—but has it's moments. Like this morning when the dogs wanted to go out. I got up and started heading for the door. I started coughing—and then peed my pants. The dogs didn't care; they still wanted out. Luckily, my brother had already gone to work. So I was alone in my pee pants.

I made an appointment with the orthopedic doctor. I have cysts on my wrists, and my knees hurt too bad to continue ignoring them. Arthritis isn't much fun.

None of this is getting me down, however. I am staying focused on making the most out of my life. I am grateful for my life and all of my friends—including you all. Thank you for always being there.

Life is Good

It's June 1, 2010. And it's a great day in Morgantown.

I'm still doing the Belly Fat Cure—and I've doing quite well. I'm also still working on improving my outlook on life. And I'm doing OK on that, too. I believe things about to change in my favor in ways I've only previously dreamed of.

I hope you all are doing well. Sorry I've been away from my blog. I've been doing a lot of personal journaling—you know with a pen and paper. Sometimes that's the best way for me. I feel different. And that's a good thing. Life is good.

This blog has been a great source of inspiration for me. I don't intend to let it go. I will be here. And I'll be reading your blogs, too. I may be in the background—but I'll be there.

I was on vacation last week—I was pretending that I was retired. It was great. I was doing such a great job of pretending that someone even asked me if I was retired. I guess I was giving off that vibe—and I didn't even tell this person I was retired. She just said it. How's that for practicing the Law of Attraction?

Anyway, life is good.