Allowing the Pain Leads to the Healing

I watched a lot of TV yesterday, and in the process learned more about myself than I have in years.  Through PBS's This Emotional Life, I discovered that my ruminative thinking is not only learned, it's also likely genetic. My mother and father used this kind of thinking—in other words, they dwelled on everything—why didn't you call? Where have you been? Who were you with? And that wasn't just with me. It was with each other.

Memories of Hard Times
In my house, anger, guilt, and depression dominated, and they were accompanied with addictive behaviors—eating and drinking always to excess. There was also a lot of fighting. My parents didn't pay attention to us kids unless it was to scream at us. I took the flack for everyone mostly because I was tired of living like we did. My parents had many hard times, and they tended to take it out on us—but especially me. I was the middle child.  I tried to make peace in the family many times but usually failed. That typically led to me being punished. And this activity was circular.

Why am I talking about this now? Because psychologists now realize that to truly cope with past memories, you have to remember them. You have to face them to understand them and make peace with them.

Biggest Loser Preserves Spirit, Wins Hearts, Faces Challenge 
As I watched Eric Chopin discuss his trials, failures, and disappointments last night, I identified with him more than I've identified with anyone for a very long time. When he said: "I'm just trying to figure who I'm supposed to be on this earth," I thought he was really telling my story. Sometimes I think I've never really known who I am. Ask my friends and family. I often say that I have no idea why I'm still here.

He also talked about having a feeling inside that he would fail. He said he failed. I understand that, too. Sometimes I think I'm so afraid of failing that I don't even want to try.

And he discussed an almost all or nothing attitude. I have that, too. If I'm focused on losing weight, that's my focus. Finding a balance is the healthy way.

The pain in Eric's eyes was undeniable. And I didn't just sympathize with him; I empathized with him. I know what it feels like to have to go through it all over again. But he's mustering up his courage to face the battle, and maybe this time win the war. I pray for him. I feel for him.

Facing My Battle
Well, here I am once again. Am I ready? I'm making myself ready.