It's OK to Ask for Help

The path to wellness.

Yesterday, I went to a therapist to discuss compulsive overeating. We went over much of what I thought we'd go over, but what I didn't realize was how much it was going to affect me. She told me that we learn most of our coping behaviors before we turn nine years old. Whatever you did when you were a kid is what you continue to do now. I used to hide under my grandmother's kitchen table and eat ice cream. To this day, ice cream remains a trigger food for me—although I no longer hide under the table.

We talked about what it was like to grow up in an alcoholic home, my mother's compulsive eating, and how seeing that you drown or stuff down your problems is the way to cope. That much I knew. I did not know it was going to rouse up a bunch of feelings I thought I had successfully suppressed. So much for thinking.

Memories from the Corners of My Mind. . . .
The memories and feelings lingered into my dream world last night. I dreamt of having things stolen from me. I dreamt of people I hadn't seen in years. I dreamt of feeling used and abandoned. This morning, I feel odd.

I plan to continue therapy for a few weeks just to see where it goes. I don't want to be like I am any longer, and I need help to free myself from myself.

I am still going to the lap band seminar tomorrow. I want to explore all of my options. I need help, and I don't mind asking for it. 

Update to the Update: Lap Band Update and Other Stuff

Just a quick update this morning: I'm still on the fence with the lap band procedure. I'm weighing the pros and cons. It seems there are just as many success as horror stories. Used as tool, I think it could be very effective. For the record, I have never thought it would be magic. I know what it takes to lose weight. But thank you for all of your advice. I have read all of it, and am considering all of it.

This morning I told the kids we'd have broccoli for dinner. The girl loves it. The boy, well. I asked him why he didn't like it. He said, "My brain tells me I don't like it." I couldn't argue with that.

Life is OK at the moment. So that's it for now. Busy day ahead. I hope yours is a good one.

P.S. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a therapist to discuss compulsive overeating. 

Food Journal Giveaway

What a great to start a Monday. I'm announcing a giveaway. This food journal includes weight loss tips, and it has another little journal that comes with it—it's small journal intended for people to carry more easily. It's about the size of one of those little horoscope pocketbooks you get at the checkout counter.

So for this giveaway, all you have to do comment on why you think a food journal would benefit you—just a sentence or two will do. For example, "A food journal will really help me on my weight loss journey because it will keep me honest." Anyway, you get the idea. I will post the best comments on my blog.

I stole this idea from Susan. Here blog is Let's Lose Weight This Year. I also stole her journal—well, not literally. I chose one like the one that she uses. This journal came from Books-A-Million. It retails for $14.95.

I've found that writing down everything you eat really makes you more accountable. Although somedays I'm better at it than other days, I think it's helped me eat far less than I typically would. So good luck. I'm looking forward to reading your comments.

P.S. The giveaway ends on Saturday, August 21, 2010, at midnight. Winner announced on Monday, August 23, 2010.

Everybody's Clock Gets Punched—Sooner or Later

Today, I feel kind of blah. I'm doing well with the exercise. As usual, my diet could be better—but it isn't terrible. I mean I haven't eaten a whole pie by myself. It's just one of those days, I guess.

Or maybe I'm just questioning life. My nephew's girlfriend's grandmother—I hope you can follow that—was tragically killed in a car accident this past Friday. The story is really a sad one. And the outcome is the grandfather is now left lost and alone. He's 78. My heart bleeds for him. I have cried for him. They were married for 59 years. Even though I didn't know these folks very well, this tragedy has had major effect on me. Life is so fragile. We're here one minute—squashed like bugs the next.

So I'm not left wondering what it's all about, but wondering why we don't make the most of the time we have? Everybody's clock gets punched—sooner or later. Armed with this information, I should be more than willing to eat right, get fit, and live the life I want. And I am doing better. But I'm also taken back to when I quoted Bill Murray's Groundhog Day character when he said, "What if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today." Why is it so hard to do the things I need to do to make my life what I want it to be?

OK. I have another movie quote. This one is from The Answer Man: "The truth is, you're always doing what you want. Nobody makes you do anything." So my truth is that I'm not doing the things I could be doing because I'm doing what I want right now: eating the wrong things and avoiding the truth. Because there's always tomorrow, right?

I don't intend this post to be doom and gloom. It's supposed to make me realize that if I really want to lose weight, it's up to me to do it.

Don't forget about my giveaway: Pilates Ring Giveaway. It really is a cool prize. At least, I think so.

Short and Sweet

As I write this blog, I think that everything I say makes perfect sense. But when I read back through it, I realize I wasn't always as clear as I thought I was. But then I thought, "Why should anyone care if this blog is perfectly clear or not? It's a personal blog—or journal. And when you get to read someone's personal ramblings, why care if everything is written like a novel? Hey, even some novels could stand a little more editing."

OK. I'm trying to get up the courage to go back to the gym. I have to. Exercise is the missing ingredient in my current weight loss program. The diet is OK. But I'm flabby. And I tire easily. And on and on. So I need to exercise.

I'm still on my spiritual quest. And today I'm tired. I need to let all of the reading and studying jell. The meditation is going well. Fortunately, I had a wellness class a few years ago in which I learned a lot about meditation. So much of that is still with me. It is very relaxing. More relaxing than I remember.

Well, I think this will be a short post today. When I'm tired, concentration is difficult.

Ant Traps and Rabbit Feathers

I finally got my blog back to its original look, but it took some finesse. I made the post about my mess before I fixed my mess. Anyway, if there's a lesson to be learned it's that messes can be fixed.

Caleb and the Ant Trap
Over the weekend, my husky mix decided that it would be a good idea to eat some ant poison. I had no idea that a dog would eat ant bait, but apparently they will and actually like it. The vet told me that the fine makers of ant poison make it taste sweet, or sometimes they make it taste like peanut butter. Well, my little Caleb thought he had something. And I panicked.

I chased him around the yard trying to get it from him. I finally got him inside the house. I remembered my friend who works for a vet said to give them a bunch of bread to eat. I did that and called the vet. I was shaking all over. I couldn't think. And Caleb seemed no worse for the wear.

To my relief, the vet said that most of the ant bait traps have very little poison—at least not enough to kill a dog. Caleb weighs about 60 pounds so it would take a lot to kill him. She said the most it would do would be to make him a little sick.

Well, his belly full of bread seemed to alleviate any nausea. And he's fine. You'd never know he decided that eating ant poison would be a good idea. I, on the other hand, am still quite nauseated.

Rabbit Feathers
After Caleb's little episode, I had to go to a birthday party for my little nephew. He's four now. A little girl at the party came up to me with her little hands filled with feathers and said, "Look. I found some rabbit feathers." I said, "You found rabbit feathers?" My brother started laughing at her, and she got embarrassed and walked away. Poor little thing. And with a big find like rabbit feathers.

No Pigging Out
By the way, at the party I ate berries, a little potato salad, and half of a hamburger—no bun. The hamburger was too greasy to enjoy. Life is better if you don't think about where you're going to get your next meal 24/7.

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

It's a beautiful morning in Morgantown. I love getting up early in the summer—before it gets too hot. That's the best time of day. And this morning is one of those kinds of mornings that everything feels perfect—a good morning to garden.

The Belly Fat Cure continues to work for me. I think my middle is getting smaller—at least it feels like it is. I take that back. I know it is. I'm beginning to feel more energetic, too. I wish I had known that sugar was the key. I guess I always did know, but was in denial. If I gave up sugar, I'd have to give up pie. Well, as it turns out, that wasn't so bad. While I still think of pie for time to time, I know I can go without it.

I wish I could get myself into exercising again—even if I could keep up the walking. I have no idea why I can't get moving. I know I need to, but I have a block about it.

I'm going to make potato salad for my little nephews birthday party tomorrow. Little does everyone know, I'm using olive oil mayonnaise. I used that the last time I made potato salad for a family get together, and no one knew the difference. (Evil laughter.) My little nephew will be four—such a cute age.

Yesterday when I was talking about the Mod Squad, it reminded me that had a huge stack of Mod Squadbubble gum cards when I was a kid. I have no idea what happened to them. I suppose they'd be worth something to a collector—unfortunately I didn't think that far ahead when I was 10. My only thoughts were that I was part of the team—solving crimes and arresting criminals.

A New Way of Thinking

I was reading Brandi's blog: A Life Change—My Journey to Happiness and she was talking about always putting things off until tomorrow. And I got to thinking.

Everyday I say: Tomorrow I will. . . do whatever. In fact, "There's always tomorrow," has become my motto. I realize I need a new way of thinking. And i came up with an idea. Remember the movie Groundhog Day? When Bill Murray is trying to get out of Punxsutawney? And he's talking on the phone to some operator and he says, "Well what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today." How's that for a new way of thinking?

Eight Things about Me

I have no idea what to post today, so I'm updating an old post from a couple of years ago. I was tagged to write 8 things about things about myself. So here it is.

8 Things about Me
1. I was born at home. Not too peculiar, but considering it was in southern West Virginia in the '50s, it's a bit of a tale. My mother did not go to a doctor throughout her entire pregnancy with me. In spite of that, I was born as a healthy nine-pound baby. A midwife named Garnett Farley delivered me. I was born in my parents’ bed. After I was born, my father took me to the “company store” and weighed me on the meat scale. How’s that for a beginning in life? Hmmm. Maybe it was indication of how I would spend my life. On a scale. And in the vicinity of food.

2. You know how people can do that “Live Long and Prosper” thing with their fingers? Well, I can do that with my toes. Now there’s a skill that will come in handy in the future.

3. I did not start college until I was 27 years old. And then I paid my own way through school. It was so exciting buying my books and getting off to school. There is no way I could go back to school now. I’ve tried, but it’s just too much. My hat is off to anyone who could.

4. I’m completely creeped out by root cellars. Those dirt walls and the roots sticking out—can you tell I grew up in the country? Anyway, one of my worst nightmares is being locked in one.

5. I’ve traveled to more than 25 U.S. states, including Vermont, Delaware, New York, New Hampshire, Michigan, Ohio, Indiana, Tennessee, Virginia, Kentucky, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Illinois, Iowa, Wyoming, Colorado, California, Utah, Missouri, Nevada, Maryland, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Massachusetts, and Rhode Island. I can’t remember if there were any others or not. Most of my travels have been for work, but some for pleasure. I also have been to Canada and Mexico. Woo hoo.

6. I was bitten by a six-foot black snake when I was 18 months old. And I can remember it as if it had happened yesterday. It happened in my grandparents’ front yard. I saw the snake, and thought it was a rope. I wondered about it a little bit, and then I went up and kicked it. The snake bit me on my right knee. I started screaming. My grandfather, who had been in the tub, came running out of his house wrapped in a towel. My mother came screaming from some other direction—armed with a hoe. The snake didn’t live another five minutes. Don’t mess with a child when its mother is nearby. Now, I kind of feel sorry for the snake. But, needless to say, the experience left me scared to death of snakes. One time, I completely froze in my tracks, I couldn’t move, because one of those little green garden snakes slithered across my path.

7. I prefer Diet Coke to Diet Pepsi any day of the week. I don’t think I have to say anything more than that.

8. I have had trouble sleeping ever since I was born. My mother told me that when I was baby, the only way I could go to sleep was to put my head under her arm. Now, I can’t sleep if I’m even slightly stimulated. But I love to dream. I have tried to remember my dreams over the years. I think that dreaming helps me make sense of my life. The book, Our Dreaming Mind, by Robert Van de Castle is one of my favorites.

And that’s it for my list. Nothing great. I hope you all enjoyed learning a little more about me.

dreams and dreaming, weight loss, body fat

Confessions of a Foodaholic

Hello, my name is Kathy, and I am a foodaholic. I love to eat. There are so many foods that I love the taste of--chocolate, mashed potatoes and gravy, hamburgers, fried chicken, and the list goes on. I make special trips to the store because I'm craving something. I eat out all of the time because restaurant food is delicious.

I eat for no other reason than there's nothing better to do. I eat ice cream out of the carton. I eat chips out of the bag. I eat alone or with company. I eat like I will never be fed again.

I eat when I'm happy. I eat when I'm sad. I make up reasons to eat. I make up reasons that I deserve this cake, cookie, ice cream, whatever. I get mad because I can't eat whatever I want because I'll gain weight. I believe it isn't fair. Other people get to eat massive amounts of food and don't gain a pound--or at least in my world they don't. If they did, I wouldn't be able to justify my anger.

I quit smoking. Why can't I quit overeating?
Seven years ago I quit smoking. That's right. I used to smoke. I came from an era when everyone smoked. Even Rob and Laura Petrie smoked. (They slept in separate beds so I guess they needed some way to relieve the tension.) Anyway, today I got to thinking. Why was I able to quit smoking? I used patches to quit. So I had a crutch. And that made it easier.

So how can I apply my ability to quit smoking to controlling my food addictions? What was it inside me that gave me the strength to do it? I don't think they make ice cream patches--do they? So what I'm doing is looking for the person inside me who can stop. The person who can make things happen. The person who wants it bad enough.

Stay turned.

P.S. I ran across The Joy Project today. Interesting stuff.

So He Peed on the Floor

Made it to the gym again. I've been tracking my exercise minutes on Sparkpeople. I go to the gym, then rush to work so I can add the minutes to my tally. Since I've been tracking them, I'm up to 300. Not too bad.

I've been nauseated since yesterday evening. I don't know why. I wish I could go home, but I can't. I've missed so much work already. Last evening, I just laid around. Caleb kept whining to go out. I didn't pay attention to him, so he peed on the kitchen floor. That's what I get for not listening to my pup.

I think I'm losing weight but I don't know for sure because I haven't been on the scale. I decided I don't care if I lose weight for now—I just want to get back on my feet. Even though I feel better than I have in a while, I still have days—not unlike the past two days—where I don't feel so good. So I'm not going to give myself "just one more thing" to worry about.

Pain, Pain Go Away

I've been on steroids since last week. It helped the pain for a little while, but now it's coming back. For the past two days, the pain and bloat have been coming back pretty steadily. Last night, I had another attack. Today, I feel bloated despite all the medications—or maybe it's because of all the medications. It's also the last day of antibiotics. I'm afraid "it" will come back in full force as soon as I stop. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. And I hate constantly talking about being sick. 

I'm still going to the gym at least two days per week. I want to make it back to five days—but I just don't have the energy. Tomorrow I'll be on my own. My trainer has some kind of freshman "thing" to do for the next couple of weeks. I'll miss her, but when you're getting something for free, you can't really complain. 

I don't eat that much anymore, but I'm not losing any weight either. I need the exercise to get in shape. I know it. 

I started piano lessons again. It's much more relaxing this time around. I have a couple of hours after work to go home and take a break before heading to class. Last time, it was almost straight from work and made a long day. I was usually so tired I just wanted class to be over. I like piano. It takes all of your focus power and keeps you from thinking about anything other than the next note. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy it.