It's What's Eating You

Are you codependent? I am. Just the other day, I told someone that to feel validated in life I have to feel like I'm needed. Geez. I'm not saying that it isn't OK to want to be needed. It's just when that becomes your primary reason for survival, well, it could be a tad over the top. (Sigh.)

I grew up with an alcoholic—my Dad. I eventually married an alcoholic (before that I lived with one). My entire life, I have been drawn to people I can take care of. And that's one of the giveaway traits of a codependent personality. Needing to be needed.

I've been trying to examine how being codependent is related to being overweight or obese. I believe there is a direct connection. Many codependent people have low self esteem. And many overweight people have low self esteem. Maybe I stay fat so I won't have to deal with life. Does my obsession with food come from being codependent? Is food my own drug of choice? Does that come from a life of dysfunction? Or is it all just an excuse to eat?

Addicted to Food
I watched the first part of Addicted to Food on OWN last night. I relate to the people on that show. Hiding behind a wall of fat is safe place. Sometimes it's hard to believe that a cupcake could be more important than my health, but it so often is. I was bulimic when I was younger. I stayed thin through purging. I no longer purge. Now, I'm a compulsive overeater.

I think I would like to go to Shades of Hope. Tennie says she puts your disease right in your face. In my own therapy, it's been hard admitting to a lot of things I've done to stay in a comfort zone. Right now, even though I want to lose weight, I don't want to give up the foods that make me feel safe—ice cream, cake, bologna, bread, and the like. Maybe being forced to give it up would help. I don't know. I'd like to try.

On the show, the staff at Shades of Hope also said, It's what you're eating. It's what's eating you. How do I figure that out on my own? OK. I know I'm codependent. I know I'm also an addict. I guess that's the beginning, isn't it?

I know this post is confusing. There's too much going on. But that's where my head is. 

One of the Top 50 Blogs about Food Addiction

The Guide to Culinary Schools named my blog in their 50 blogs about food addiction. I am honored. Thank you.

Losing the Crutches and Living

When I said that I was thinking about talking more about my childhood, I didn't mean that I intended to constantly rehash the past. I'm finished with feeling sorry for myself. I do, however, want to understand "how I got this way." For me, what it comes down to is forgiveness. And forgiveness goes a long way in healing. It's when people hold onto their stories as a way of justifying their overeating, drinking, drug taking that they never get better—and get depressed.

All of the crutches that we refuse to let go and then believe that no one understands us comes down to this: Millions of people understand what we've been through. Millions of people know exactly what we're talking about. Hiding it helps no one. Relying on it so we can justify remaining bitter, angry, and depressed keeps the cycle going.

I'm tired of hiding my past. I have a friend who openly admits that he was an alcoholic and drug addict in his youth. He doesn't even try to hide it. And what he gets out of that is never having to worry that someone might find out. He doesn't hide behind who he was 20 years ago. I admire his courage. That's what I want to do. Let it go. Purge it. Forgive those who brought me pain. And then live.

Honesty Helps and is Appreciated

I tried to leave this as a response to the comments from my last post, but Blogger wouldn't let me. Don't know why. Also, Blogger looks different today. Anyone else notice that? It's also very quirky. But on with my response.   

The Response I Tried to Leave
OK. Here's a real "I'm from the country" response: I think being willing takes a whole lotta want to.

But I understand what you're saying. Somewhere along the line I lost that thing that takes over when you have something really hard to do but somehow find the resources to do even under the most deire circumstances. I'm not even sure that willingness is the right word.

It's another word that I can't think of right now. Something that, maybe, I've long stopped identifying with.

But I do understand what you mean. I've heard people say: Are you willing to get up at 5 a.m. to go to the gym at least five days a week to make this happen? Are you willing to make the food choices necessary to succeed? Yes, I think I am. The thing I'm looking for, however, is something that runs deeper. It's a strength that you can muster up. It's make you say: I can do this. I will do this. I am doing this.

Anyway, working on this blog is really helping me. All of your responses are really helping. Thank you, sincerely. You're making me look at myself from a different angle. And that, my friends, is a good thing.

Food Addiction

I'm going to write an article about food addiction for Suite101.com. I'll have it finished before the first of the year. I intend to continue to work on my food addiction. I figure the more I learn, the more I can figure out why I eat to soothe myself. So be looking for that.

OK. After some thought, I'd like to ask a list of questions, and luckily get two or three responses, about being addicted to food.

Many people fall under the spell of food. They use it to cope with life's challenges, and likely find it difficult to satisfy their cravings. Most of these people know that they should choose nutritious food. But when a binges comes on, the only thing that will satisfy is the stuff they know will make sick--literally, emotionally, and physically.

David Kessler, M.D., said in his book, "The End of Overeating," that foods high in sugar and fat may actually make them "hyperpalatable," meaning that they taste really, really good. The doctor claims that this response is measurable under scientific conditions.

1. What do you think of Dr. Kessler's Findings?
2. Have you ever found yourself in a binge because the food tasted so good you couldn't stop, or was that just a bonus and the binge would've happened anyway? (I know I personally have eaten things I didn't particularly like--it was just what was available.)
3. What food sets you off on a binge?
4. What life events make it more likely that you will binge?

I think that's a start. I'd like to include your responses in my article. Names can be withheld to protect your identity. Any takers? Please.

More tomorrow.