Do you feel fat?

This morning I participated in a survey about whether you have any change in body image after losing a large amount of weight. My answer is: No. I still feel like a fat person. I have more energy. I can shop for smaller clothes. But I still feel fat. If I can avoid mirrors, my day goes OK. But if I see myself, I still see a fat person. I still walk like I'm fat. I still try to cover myself like I'm fat. While I really do have a way to go yet, I'm not so fat that I can't sit in a normal-sized chair. I guess maybe it's like that feeling you have if you've been wearing a ring or some other piece of jewelry for a long time—and then when you take it off it feels like it's still there. I don't really know.

Anyway, I have an appointment next week to discuss the emotional side of weight loss. In other words, why did I get this fat to begin with?

Most everything else is the same. I'm still doing the workout. I'm waiting for my book to arrive so I can begin that diet—The Rotation Diet. I signed up for a service called sparkpeople.com. It's free diet and fitness site. Pretty cool. Check it out.

So that's about it for today.

It's Taken Care Of

I watched nine hours of George Carlin this weekend. You know, he was kinda good looking when he was young. NBC also ran the very first Saturday Night Live with George Carlin hosting. So I've been saturated. Geez I'm gonna miss the guy.

I think the girl I used to work out with has finally flown the coop. She hasn't been around for close to four weeks now. It's OK. I can do it by myself. Hell, I live my whole life by myself anyway. So what else is new? 

I'm still doing to intensive cardio/strength training. I get through most of it. Today was challenging. But I did it. I ordered the Rotation Diet from Amazon.com. I did this diet back in the '80s and had some pretty good success with it. I know it's a hard diet, but I need to do something to shock my body. I really want to lose at least 30 more pounds, and it ain't happenin' doin' the things that I'm doin'.

I got my car title and registration taken care of. I didn't count on the emotions it was going to dredge up, though. Opening the box that had all of the stuff in it from when Al died—death certificates, papers for the funeral home, tax forms, and insurance statements—my breath caught in my throat. My stomach clinched. But I got what I needed out of the box. Then I had to go to the court house. That was an ordeal. But the people who work there made it easier than I expected. I guess they have to deal with people who have lost love ones all of the time and can handle them with a lighter touch. Then I had to go to the DMV. And that wasn't so bad either. The guy who was helping me was very nice. So it all didn't make me wish I hadn't done it. I'm glad I did. 

I still feel kind of sad, though. It brought back many of the feelings. And right now, I don't know what to do with them.