Codependent No More

Well, hello. It's been a while. Yes, I've away from blogging for more than a week. But I've been using that time to evaluate my life—to take a physical, emotional, and, yes, a moral inventory. I'm wrapping up therapy, and I am going back to Al-Anon. I had my first meeting yesterday. It was enlightening and powerful.

Yeah, I know. Al-Anon is supposed to be anonymous. And it will be for everyone in my group. I'll never share anything that any of them say. However, I will have no secrets about anything I am doing that helps me move forward and build a better life. I am willing to do whatever it takes. I will disclose what's ailing me. Number one: I am a codependent personality. I seek out people whose life purpose is to suck the life out other people. The drama queens. The addicts. The people whose lives are in constant crisis. Why? Because I think I can fix them. I'm still struggling with a childhood that I couldn't fix. So I try to fix other people. What I'm learning is I'm really the only person I can fix. That's what I intend to do. Fix me.

And I have made progress. I have a much better sense of myself and a better sense of when I'm jumping into a relationship that's all about someone else. I can now catch myself before I fall.

So forgive me if I'm away for long periods. I'm working on creating a new me. And right now I feel more confident than I have in a long time. But I also know that feeling will come and go. And that it's OK. I will try to post something at least once a week—more if I have more to say. But right now, I'm just beginning. But do stay tuned. I hope I say something that will help you, too. 

It's What's Eating You

Are you codependent? I am. Just the other day, I told someone that to feel validated in life I have to feel like I'm needed. Geez. I'm not saying that it isn't OK to want to be needed. It's just when that becomes your primary reason for survival, well, it could be a tad over the top. (Sigh.)

I grew up with an alcoholic—my Dad. I eventually married an alcoholic (before that I lived with one). My entire life, I have been drawn to people I can take care of. And that's one of the giveaway traits of a codependent personality. Needing to be needed.

I've been trying to examine how being codependent is related to being overweight or obese. I believe there is a direct connection. Many codependent people have low self esteem. And many overweight people have low self esteem. Maybe I stay fat so I won't have to deal with life. Does my obsession with food come from being codependent? Is food my own drug of choice? Does that come from a life of dysfunction? Or is it all just an excuse to eat?

Addicted to Food
I watched the first part of Addicted to Food on OWN last night. I relate to the people on that show. Hiding behind a wall of fat is safe place. Sometimes it's hard to believe that a cupcake could be more important than my health, but it so often is. I was bulimic when I was younger. I stayed thin through purging. I no longer purge. Now, I'm a compulsive overeater.

I think I would like to go to Shades of Hope. Tennie says she puts your disease right in your face. In my own therapy, it's been hard admitting to a lot of things I've done to stay in a comfort zone. Right now, even though I want to lose weight, I don't want to give up the foods that make me feel safe—ice cream, cake, bologna, bread, and the like. Maybe being forced to give it up would help. I don't know. I'd like to try.

On the show, the staff at Shades of Hope also said, It's what you're eating. It's what's eating you. How do I figure that out on my own? OK. I know I'm codependent. I know I'm also an addict. I guess that's the beginning, isn't it?

I know this post is confusing. There's too much going on. But that's where my head is.