What else can I do?

I woke up yesterday with one of the worst stiff necks I've had in a while. I have to get up all through the night to let the puppy out, so I think that I'm sleeping with one eye open. And then I never get in a comfortable position and end up sleeping in some twisted, mangled mess. Anyway, I feel better today.

I don't have a calorie count for yesterday because I wasn't counting. Also, my weight is up by three pounds. I'm not sure what's up with that. For the past two days, I haven't cared. But I have to get back into it. At least I haven't gained a lot. I think it's mostly water retention. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, menopause sucks.

I made it to the gym today. I did 49 minutes on the treadmill—24 minutes walking backward and 25 minutes walking forward with 15 of those minutes doing gradual inclines all the way up to 15%. Then I stretched for 10 minutes. And to make it all worthwhile, I saw My Gym Hunk. Tomorrow, I have to get back to the weights. I don't want to lose the muscle I've gained. I wish the aerobics classes would start up again.

I don't feel defeated in the weight-loss department, but I don't feel like—why am I even trying? If I just maintain, I'll be happy. But I'll keep trying. I don't know what else to do.

Not much else to say today.

Post Script
Two A-Holes Go for a Walk
I took the boys for a 30-minute walk at lunch time. That gives me a total of 79 minutes of cardio activity for today.

1,000 Whinny Excuses

This morning I managed to do 30 minutes of cardio on the treadmill. I did 20 minutes between 5% and 8% inclines and 10 minutes of gradual cooling down. I did 80 crunches and some stretching. I swear to God, I will get back to the weights on Monday. Yes, I have 1,000 whinny excuses for not doing them today. I have blisters on my hands and one on my little toe. My right hamstring still hurts. Shall I go on?

This weekend I'm planning on at least cleaning my house. I can't stand looking at it anymore. Who can live like this anyway?

My backyard looks like I never touched it. Yesterday's rain brought down more of the remaining leaves. This weekend we're going to get down into the 30s here. So that should bring down the rest of them. Looks like more raking next week.

I saw My Gym Hunk this morning. You know? There has to be a God if there's stuff like that walking around.

My diet is getting much better now that I have this wager with JD . It's funny—but when you add that competitive edge to something, it gives you more motivation. And I am sooo gonna kick his butt.

Finishing the Things I Start

I got the backyard raked last night. I have the blisters on my hands to prove it—and I even wore gloves. It didn't take me as long as I thought it would—75 minutes. It was still quite a workout. I can really feel it in my arms today. Wow. I'm glad I finished it last night. It's raining today. But finish things that I start is something I need to work on. So I forced myself to finish the task. I remember when I first started exercising, that was how I got through the workouts—forcing myself to finish them. Now I need to start thinking like that again.

Last night, I had almost all of the leaves raked into this huge pile that i was going push over into The Compost Corner. I was so tired from raking. I thought about finishing the job today. I thought about getting my brother to roll them over to the corner. Then I thought, this is just like you—getting almost to your goal and then giving up. All I had to do was roll them over into the corner. Another 10 minutes of work after more than an hour. And I was ready to quit. But I made myself finish the task. Today I feel like I'm a better person for it.

At the gym this morning, I did 45 minutes of cardio on the treadmill—15 minutes at 5% incline, 15 minutes at 8%, and then 15 minutes of gradually lowering the treadmill to 0% incline. I still have not taken on the weights again. I will tomorrow. I can't let JD beat me in our bet. Never, I tell ya. Never.

I'm really working on the diet. Last night was easy. I had something to keep me occupied. But if I stick to my resolution to work on my house for one hour a day, I should be able to keep my eating under control.

OK. Not much else to say today.

Life Has Its Twists and Turns

Let's see. It's another day in the life of Kathy J. What's going on with me? I took the morning off. This time of year is really bad for me. Another anniversary of Al's death is fast approaching. The season is changing. It's dark a lot longer and a lot earlier. Crying seems like the best way to pass a day.

Went to lunch yesterday with good friends. It's nice to known people who can make you laugh. And what a group of misfits we are. But it's OK--we have each other.

Life is so weird. I try to figure out everyday why I'm still here. It doesn't make any sense. Yesterday, when I was on the treadmill, I kept getting a pain in the upper left portion of my chest. I thought, "Maybe I'm having a heart attack." But then I realized it was muscular--from holding onto the bar so I wouldn't go flying across the gym. A 15% grade is pretty darn steep. I think my heart has probably gotten fairly strong over the last year anyway. I can hear it going boom. boom, boom sometimes.

I'm still working on my fear of abandonment. Seeing people I hadn't seen in long time yesterday helped, but I still have trouble letting people get close. I don't want to get hurt. And I know I will. I can pour my heart out on this public forum, and people from all over the world comment on my posts. But when it comes to being in the company of another warm-blooded human being, I can't talk about anything because I will breakdown. I think if I make a really good friend, he or she will just end up disappearing out of my life and I will be left hanging again--no explanation just no more contact.

Anyway....

How Long Can You Tread a 15% Grade?

I tried one of the workout that's pre-programmed into one of the treadmills at the gym—and my God, I had no idea it would be this intense. After about five minutes at 5% grade, it moves up to a 13% grade for maybe five minutes, and then it goes to a 15% grade—which I walked for the next 11 minutes. I couldn't take it anymore, so I had to stop it. But I did manage to do 18 more at a 0% grade for a total of 40 minutes. But, WOW. It's been a while since I got that sweaty. But it felt good.

I did not want to get up this morning. I finally rolled out of bed at 6 a.m. I never get up that late. It's the whole change of seasons. This time of year, I get depressed. I can't wait for the weekend. I have the girls for three days. I'm sure we'll have our moments, but I love having them around—as long as they don't dig another hole in my backyard. (What's an environmentally friendly way to get rid of grubs? That also won't hurt my dog?)

I'm going to buy a personal training session at the end of the month. What the hell? I need something to take up my Tuesdays and Thursdays. I think Ginger (my trainer) can help me out.

I'm short on words today. But considering the economy, I'll leave you with this:

I Feel More Present

I finally got my tooth fixed yesterday. It is so much nicer without that sharp-edged tooth. Anyway, my face was numb for close to five hours. Why is it that the numbing seems to get number after you leave the dentist's office? And my breath had that wonderful I've-just-been-to-the-dentist's-office aroma. Gak. That's really hard to get rid of. Today, it feels tender. But not sharp. Yea.

I got some of my meds changed. I feel better already. I got rid of the Lasix altogether and made a switch in my thyroid medication. I now take it like I did a few years ago. The muscle cramps have subsided. I feel a little more focused (not much, just a little). I guess it's that I feel more lucid. I feel more present. I haven't felt this well in a while. 

I did 45 minutes on the treadmill and 25 minutes on the bike today. If nothing else, my endurance is remarkable. I'm back to eating tons of fruit. I just love it. 

OK. i don't know what else to say.

I Forgot

It just occurred to me that I haven't posted anything for two days. I've been so busy at work, I forgot. 

I started taking potassium and magnesium supplements, and the muscle soreness I've been experiencing has eased up quite a bit. So I was low on one or the other, or both. Even my tight hamstrings have eased. Whadda ya know? 

I did a full hour on the treadmill this morning. I went all the way up to a five percent incline. I felt pretty good when I was finished. Guess who showed up this morning after a month-long absence? That's right, it was "the crush." Well, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. I had pretty much forgotten about him—and my heart didn't go pitter patter when I saw him. But he still looks pretty good. 

I'm waiting to see if they reinstate the aerobics classes. I feel like I'm missing something. I don't want to lose all of the gains I made from months of doing the class twice a week. 

But I'm still busy today, so I need to wrap this up. 

Discretion Isn't Necessary, I Guess

Geez. Life is really hard these days. I had such a hard time getting up this morning. I slept in longer than I have for months. Calling in sick has crossed my mind more than once in the past month. I am tired. OK. I need to find something to keep me awake. 

I did an hour on the treadmill this morning—actually it was 63 minutes because I wanted to burn 500 calories. I tried to remember to breathe deeply during my workout. Sometimes I find myself breathing really shallow. I think it makes the workout harder when you aren't breathing like you should. So I try to remember to breathe. 

OK. I wasn't going to tell this story, but I'm going to anyway. I've had really bad gas for the past couple of weeks. I find myself needing to release said gas from time to time. I try to be discreet about it. This morning in the locker-room shower I needed to release a little, so I did so very discreetly. However, a few stalls over someone else let go with something that sounded like heavy furniture being dragged across the floor—not once but twice. I suspect this person didn't know anyone else was in the showers. I thought to myself, "I will never again be embarrassed by anything that comes out me after that." 

So that's how my morning started. Thank God for people who have the capability of embarrassing themselves in ways that never would've occurred to me. OK. I have a lot to do today. So later people. 

It's Too Much Like Personal Training—What Did I Say?

I'm such a worrier. The EPA teleconference went fine. Just a few minor changes to the proposal overall—a little more detail here and there. I don't know why I always feel like something terrible is going to happen. I guess maybe if I prepare myself for the worst, I won't feel so bad when and if it does happen. 

I had no Internet access last night. It was very frustrating. This has been going on since Comcast started screwing around with the channel lineup—but ask them about it and they'll tell you there have been no interruptions in service and look at you with this blank expression. You why they do that? It's if they admit that service is being interrupted, they would have to give everyone credit on their bill. And God knows that can't happen. 

Well, there are no aerobics classes throughout August. I guess not enough people have been showing up, and the fitness manager thinks it's too much like personal training—what did I say?—to allow one person to take a class by herself—that means me. This kind of puts the screws to my fitness routine. But I guess a break won't hurt me. And I can find something else to do for a  while. But I want the classes back in the fall. 

I was sweating like crazy this morning. I guess the humidity is really high. I was literally drenched. I could have wrung out my t-shirt. I did 45 minutes on the treadmill and 20 minutes on a stationary bike. The bike was hard. I'm not used to riding a bike. I think this might help me step it up a little. 

Another busy day. I'll be back tomorrow. 

I Can't Remember What It Used to be Like

Someone asked about the comparison of when I first started exercising to now—being able to workout for 90 minutes at a time. Wow. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering what awful shape I was in. When I first started exercising, I could barely move. It was a great effort just to bend over and pick something up. In fact, I couldn't really bend over. I could not touch the floor. Most times I just picked things up with my toes—if I could. I was breathless most of the time as well. I couldn't even get up from the couch once I laid my big ass down—it was the old turtle on its back thing.

Now, more than a year later, I can do most anything I want to do. I am more flexible. I can breathe—even when climbing stairs. This morning I did 30 minutes on an elliptical and 35 minutes on a treadmill—at about four miles per hour. I burned more than 600 calories. I can do a full sit up—in fact several of them. Last year, I couldn't have begun to do even one. I can press about 80 pounds. When I first started out, I couldn't stand back up between sets on the pull down lat machine. I would just sit there and hold the bar between sets. Now, I can stand back up with ease and can pull between 60 and 72 pounds, depending on how I'm feeling. I can press 140 pounds with my legs. And the list goes on.

The way I feel has changed dramatically. The way I feel about myself has changed dramatically. I have more confidence. I am more alert. I can shop for clothes in the regular-size section.

I have lost more than 60 pounds. I'd like to lose about 40 more, but I'm on my way. Exercise has become a part of my day—it's not something that I have to make time for. It's just something that I do. It's part of my routine. Some days I want to sleep in and not go to the gym—but I'm always glad that I did. I have a spring in my step that I thought was long lost.

Like I said earlier, my life has changed. I can barely remember what it used to be like.