A Long Day into Night

I made it to the gym this morning—but I slept in. I think I put my trainer out a little bit. But I can't blame her. She was expecting me, and I was almost half an hour late. It's still hard for me to get out of bed in the morning. And the dogs usually wake me up if the alarm goes off and I don't get up. But they didn't this morning. But it's a rainy day, too. So I guess they didn't want to get up either. Still, I'm blaming them.

This coming Monday, August 17, would've been Al's and my 19th anniversary. On the 25th, he would've been 51. So I'm beginning my sad time of year—from now until New Year's. 

It's going to be a long day.

What do I do?

Al would've been 50 years old today. I wish I could wish him a happy birthday, but I guess I can't really do that now, can I? Sometime I think about his ashes. I still have them--some in an urn and some in a plastic container because all of his ashes wouldn't fit in a typical urn. I always intended to spread the ashes somewhere in Canaan Valley--that was his favorite place on earth. I remember when the funeral home called and said they just couldn't get him a regular-sized urn and that many times the family chooses to spread the remaining ashes--I thought that would be perfect. But since then I have never been able to let him go. I hang onto the ashes because then I still have him--well, not whole like when he was alive. He's just in a couple of different containers in a bookcase in my bedroom, that's all. But he's still there. (I should say that Al wasn't a fat guy. He just had incredibly large bones. In fact, I had donated his bone marrow and they actually took his hip and thigh bones, and he still wouldn't fit in a regular-sized urn. Now those were some big, ole strong bones.)

Maybe I should let go of the ashes. Maybe it would help me let go of him. I think I'm still hanging onto him. Why? I know he's not coming back. He's not going to need his ashes. I was just thinking: if he does come back, he's going to be really pissed that I gave his suits to charity last Christmas--and I threw out all of his underwear. But what is real? He's not coming back. So what do I do? Figure out how to move on.

As far as exercise goes, I did not go to the gym this morning either. My knee is swollen and stiff. But I've got to keep it moving. So I'll go back tomorrow. And I'll go back to work, too. I just needed a day to collect myself.

50?

I wasn't going to write a post unless I had something positive to say. Yesterday would've been my 18th anniversary. And August 17 is usually the start the "Depression Season" for me. But I'm trying to put on a happy face despite my blue mood. 

I went to the gym this morning and did the intensive interval workout. It actually feels pretty good once I get started. I managed a full 50 minutes of cardio with at least 30 minutes of strength training. My hamstrings are really tight, though. I'm trying to stretch them out as much as I can. I have a goal of being able to bend over and hug my legs. I can touch the floor now, but my knees are still bent. I know you're supposed to leave your knees somewhat soft, but heck. Mine are bent almost to the point that I should be sitting. I have no idea how my hamstrings got as tight as they are. And sitting around all day doesn't help anything. In fact, it makes it worse. I read that if you have a job that requires you to sit all day, tight hamstrings are one of the things you'll have to deal with. Ugh. 

Next Monday would've been Al's birthday. He would've been 50. I have a really big birthday coming up at the end of September. I never thought this day would come. I remember being a kid and thinking there was no way I would live to be 50. That was so old. And I remember thinking about my 50th birthday being in 2008. I figured the world would end by then. But here we are. And I'm going to be 50. When Al was alive I at least had some comfort in his being 50 before me. Now I get to be 50 by myself—not that I'm the only person in world that ever turned 50. But it sure feels like it when it's happening to you.

I finally have my appointment with the nutritionist today. I have no idea how this will go. 

Well I'm off to make some more money for the government.