I'm Changing and So Is My Life

It is so humid here it makes exercise difficult. Although I was trying as hard as I could, exercise this morning left me feeling a little worn. 

I think my pregnancy dream means I am expecting a big change in my life. This change has been apparent to me for months now—i.e. already showing. The change will affect my life in great ways, but it will need to be nurtured and cared for. And I don't have to forget Al. He will always be a part of my life. OK. So what is the change? I'm still trying to figure it out. Is it linked to the way I look? Is it linked to my career? Is it both? Is it that I've lost a lot of weight and things seem to be coming easier to me now? In my dream, the pregnancy was something I didn't know I has until I took a test. What test will I be taking? I don't know. When I get it figured out, I'll let you know.

Yesterday I did some work in front of my house. I toted six 50 pound bags of river rocks from Lowes to my car, and then from my car to the front of my house all by myself. And it didn't wear me out. It actually exhilarated me. I need about 12 more bags. I don't think I can get them all at once though. My little car likely won't hold that much. But I can get at least six at a time. Doing anything is so much easier now. I amaze myself at the amount I'm able to lift and carry. 

Well, that's it for today.

How can this be?

I had to write this down. Last night, I dreamed I was pregnant. At first I didn't know I was pregnant. It was only after I took a pregnancy test that I discovered it. I'm not sure why I was taking the test, only that I did it. When I turned the indicator over, there it was in bright red letters--PREGNANT. My first thought was, "How can this be? Al has been dead for more than two-and a-half years. Yet he is clearly the father. In fact he was the only one who could be the father." I wondered why I would get pregnant now. I never could get pregnant before. But now that Al was gone, I get pregnant. Could this pregnancy have been lying dormant for more than two years? No that was ridiculous. Then I remembered having some kind of surgery, and I thought about some hormones that I had been taking. All of this must've cleared the way for a prgenancy to be possible.

After a little more thought I remember that I had artificially inseminated myself. (Weird I know, but that's dreaming for you. And I even had a memory of how I had done it, but I will not go into detail. And don't ask because I won't tell you. It was just too weird.)

Once I knew for sure that I was, in fact, pregnant, I immediately got scared. How could I possibly do this on my own? But here was my belly getting bigger. And that explained why I was having such a difficult time losing weight. This baby was growing inside me. And I was already three months along. I remember thinking that baby must've already taken a form and its sex would be known.

Now for reason, I went back in time to when I was in high school. I was wondering the halls of my school trying to find my class. But I was lost. I thought that the teacher would surely excuse my tardiness since I was, after all, pregnant.

Now I began to accept my pregnancy. And I was excited because it was Al's baby. I thought that his DNA would carry on after all. He would be a part of its life. I remembering rubbing my tight belly and feeling the baby move inside me. I was already showing a little bit, too. I got on a bus and sat in the front seat. I guess I was going home. I remember writing about being pregnant in my blog. I wondered what people would think.

So what do you think?