What else can I do?

I woke up yesterday with one of the worst stiff necks I've had in a while. I have to get up all through the night to let the puppy out, so I think that I'm sleeping with one eye open. And then I never get in a comfortable position and end up sleeping in some twisted, mangled mess. Anyway, I feel better today.

I don't have a calorie count for yesterday because I wasn't counting. Also, my weight is up by three pounds. I'm not sure what's up with that. For the past two days, I haven't cared. But I have to get back into it. At least I haven't gained a lot. I think it's mostly water retention. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, menopause sucks.

I made it to the gym today. I did 49 minutes on the treadmill—24 minutes walking backward and 25 minutes walking forward with 15 of those minutes doing gradual inclines all the way up to 15%. Then I stretched for 10 minutes. And to make it all worthwhile, I saw My Gym Hunk. Tomorrow, I have to get back to the weights. I don't want to lose the muscle I've gained. I wish the aerobics classes would start up again.

I don't feel defeated in the weight-loss department, but I don't feel like—why am I even trying? If I just maintain, I'll be happy. But I'll keep trying. I don't know what else to do.

Not much else to say today.

Post Script
Two A-Holes Go for a Walk
I took the boys for a 30-minute walk at lunch time. That gives me a total of 79 minutes of cardio activity for today.

Yes Indeed I'm Walkin'

I made it back to they gym today. I did 25 minutes walking backward on the treadmill—very awkward I'm telling you. And I did 20 minutes walking forward with 10 of those minutes doing various inclines all the way up to 15%. I stretched afterward, and I feel pretty good. Tomorrow, I'll get back to the weights.

I weighed myself yesterday, I'm not doing too well. In fact, I gained three pounds from the last time I weighed myself. I don't know if it will still be the same tomorrow, but this is very discouraging. I did not cheat. For the record, I've done better than I have for a long time. I've been taking the boys for long walks. We did three miles on the Rail Trail on Sunday. So I think that I'm not going to lose any more weight until I'm actually menopausal. There are just too many hormone fluctuations right now. But I'm not giving up. Maybe I can at least maintain.

I do not have calories for yesterday (because I was so discouraged I did not care what I ate.) Sunday's were 1750.

The pups doing great. They love walking. I don't have to go home today because my brother is at home with them.

Today marks three years since Al died.

I'm Still Walking Backward

I had 1555 calories yesterday, and I did 30 minutes of walking with the boys. Yes, I'm still walking backward, and it's still working. My legs are feeling better and better everyday. I cannot believe this is all it took. Who knew? Well, someone did or I wouldn't know it now.

Next week I've got to get back to my routine. I'll still be walking the boys during lunch. And I'll have that time to walk backward as well. I want to start walking backward on the treadmill for about 10 to 15 minutes of my workout. I know it sounds weird that I'm excited about walking backward. But if you knew how bad my right leg ached. . . .And all it took my working on strengthening my hamstring muscles.

Well, I'll try to post more pictures of my boys today.

Yesterday's Stats

Yesterday I had 1543 calories and I walked for one hour with the pups--occasionally walking backward.

More Later.

This Injury Will be the Death of Me

Yesterday, I had 1947 calories, way too many. I walked for 45 minutes with my boys. Today will be better.

After yesterday's walk, I realized my leg was, again, aching. I guess I'll have to go to a physical therapist, like it or not. I've not gone to gym all week in hope that it heals. I thought this would be a good time to recover since I'm trying to socialize the new puppy to my house. (He loves his big yard. And Chance is his hero.) But I guess I shouldn't have walked them so soon. But I really wanted to get them out, and I wanted to do a practice walk around the neighborhood to see how it would go.

Of course, it was a huge pain in the ass, requiring some real juggling skill. I had to switch leashes from hand to hand, sometimes in midair. I also had to be adept at securely holding one leash under my foot while untangling another leash from the legs of the other dog. It was quite a trip. I'm rethinking the whole retractable-leash thing. At moments, I felt like I was fishing--you know having to reel them in. So maybe two long leashes will workout better. Anyway. . . .

More later.

Post Script: I did some reading about hamstring injuries. It turns out that if your quadriceps are stronger than your hamstrings, you're more likely to experience hamstring strain. A remedy for this is retro walking a.k.a. walking backwards. It works. I went home for lunch and walked the boys. I walked backward up every hill we came to. I finally feel some relief in my hamstring. In fact, it's such a relief that it almost felt ticklish. Who knew?

Even More Chance and Caleb

Chance and Caleb

Chance and Caleb, October 21, 2008.

Yesterday's Stats

Yesterday I had 1535 calories but I didn't get any exercise in. The puppy comes today, so it should be an active day. I will post pictures of Chance and him later.

It's Too Late to Turn Back Now

As of tomorrow, I will be the proud adoptive parent of an adorable part husky puppy. His name will be Caleb. Chance is excited, although he's not really sure why. He's needed a baby brother for so long. I said I would never get another male dog--but never say never is how it goes.

I have needed something to look forward to for so long. And I need something to take care of. Chance is pretty independent. But he's so very lonely, and he has been for much of his life. I've always felt bad about that. He barks at other animals he sees, not because he's being aggressive but because he wants them to come play with him. I'm hoping that this will work out--and I think it will.

I'm excited. There's so much to do. I need to get Chance's puppy cage upstairs. I need to get Caleb a bed and some puppy stuff. I need to get a leash for him. Wow.

Another Dog? Should I?

Help me. I'm thinking of getting a puppy. He's adorable--part Husky with beautiful blue eyes. Chance needs company so bad. I always feel so sorry for him being an only child. But I have a lot of buts. . . .

I don't know if I can handle it. And what if they are up all night playing and I never get any sleep. The puppy is a barker and so is Chance. Am I just asking for trouble? Probably. Could I handle two dogs?

If I got him I would name him Caleb. It is theorized in the old Hebrew that Caleb means dog. I just learned that. So what do I do? Do I get another dog?

1,000 Whinny Excuses

This morning I managed to do 30 minutes of cardio on the treadmill. I did 20 minutes between 5% and 8% inclines and 10 minutes of gradual cooling down. I did 80 crunches and some stretching. I swear to God, I will get back to the weights on Monday. Yes, I have 1,000 whinny excuses for not doing them today. I have blisters on my hands and one on my little toe. My right hamstring still hurts. Shall I go on?

This weekend I'm planning on at least cleaning my house. I can't stand looking at it anymore. Who can live like this anyway?

My backyard looks like I never touched it. Yesterday's rain brought down more of the remaining leaves. This weekend we're going to get down into the 30s here. So that should bring down the rest of them. Looks like more raking next week.

I saw My Gym Hunk this morning. You know? There has to be a God if there's stuff like that walking around.

My diet is getting much better now that I have this wager with JD . It's funny—but when you add that competitive edge to something, it gives you more motivation. And I am sooo gonna kick his butt.

Finishing the Things I Start

I got the backyard raked last night. I have the blisters on my hands to prove it—and I even wore gloves. It didn't take me as long as I thought it would—75 minutes. It was still quite a workout. I can really feel it in my arms today. Wow. I'm glad I finished it last night. It's raining today. But finish things that I start is something I need to work on. So I forced myself to finish the task. I remember when I first started exercising, that was how I got through the workouts—forcing myself to finish them. Now I need to start thinking like that again.

Last night, I had almost all of the leaves raked into this huge pile that i was going push over into The Compost Corner. I was so tired from raking. I thought about finishing the job today. I thought about getting my brother to roll them over to the corner. Then I thought, this is just like you—getting almost to your goal and then giving up. All I had to do was roll them over into the corner. Another 10 minutes of work after more than an hour. And I was ready to quit. But I made myself finish the task. Today I feel like I'm a better person for it.

At the gym this morning, I did 45 minutes of cardio on the treadmill—15 minutes at 5% incline, 15 minutes at 8%, and then 15 minutes of gradually lowering the treadmill to 0% incline. I still have not taken on the weights again. I will tomorrow. I can't let JD beat me in our bet. Never, I tell ya. Never.

I'm really working on the diet. Last night was easy. I had something to keep me occupied. But if I stick to my resolution to work on my house for one hour a day, I should be able to keep my eating under control.

OK. Not much else to say today.

Tree Hugger

I woke up this morning with a raging headache—I haven't had my allergy medication for several days and it's showing. I stopped and got my prescription before I came to work, so I should be feeling better soon.

I'm going to rake leaves tonight, which according to sparkpeople.com, should burn close to 600 for 90 minutes of raking. And it will take me at least that long. I have a giant Poplar tree in my backyard, and it's shedding—everywhere. I usually only rake the yard a couple times because this tree loses so many leaves, I would have to rake every day if I wanted the yard leaf free. The leaves will literally get ankle deep if I don't rake at some point. But I love this tree in the spring and summer. It provides a lot shade for my yard. And it's the tree we hung the swing in for the girls. My neighbor would love it if I cut it down. But I can't. It's perfectly healthy, so I don't intend to cut it down. And it must be old. I can't get my arms around its trunk. It's huge.


Not much else is happening. I lead a fairly boring life. I talk to friends on the phone from time to time, but the only place I go is the gym. I kind of like it this way. But I do need something to occupy my time a little more, so I don't eat everything in sight. I'm thinking of volunteering somewhere—where I don't know.

I hope to have something else to talk about one of these days.

In a Public Place

Made it the gym today. i did the 15% incline workout again. It got through 35 minutes of walking at various inclines that ended up at 15%. It's a tough workout, but I feel like I've done something. It was hard to talk myself into completing 30 minutes. I kept saying to myself, if you finish this, you can finish anything, I've been known for starting things that I never finish—or it takes me forever to complete it. So I feel like I accomplished something. I've got to get back to the weights tomorrow. I'm still going to baby my leg though.

Tomorrow I also begin a new resolution to keep track of what I'm eating and how much I exercise. I think I'm also going to include working on my house for at least one hour per day. I can't stand it anymore. It needs a good cleaning first—then I can finish the projects I started a year ago. Yes, I said a year ago. Isn't that sad?

So my goals are:
30 to 45 minutes of cardio five days per week
30 minutes of strength training two days per week
no more than 1800 calories per day, but at least 1200
one hour of working on my house per day

Weight loss will be a bonus.

I'm up six pounds from my lowest weight—meaning I now weigh 201. That was a number I never wanted to see again. But it keeps chasing me. I hope I can eventually out run it.

So I'm making my new resolution public.

It's Moments Like These

After a weekend with my girls, I'm exhausted. I took the morning off so I could sleep in--I have a huge amount of vacation time that I need to take before I lose it. I just don't take that much vacation time anymore. There's nothing to do when there's no one to enjoy it with you. So I slept in. I actually slept for 12 hours. After two nights of little girls tossing and turning and throwing their legs over me, I need a good nights sleep.

If there's one good thing in my life about being a widow it's that I love sleeping alone. I can sprawl out on the bed. I can sleep in direction I wish to. It's Heaven. But I would trade it if I could have my buddy back.

Anyway, since I slept in, that means I didn't go to the gym. But I will tomorrow. I also will begin a new eating plan. I'm going to get back into Sparkpeople.com. I haven't kept up with it in a long while. It really did help me keep the eating under control. I want to keep a journal that I can write in through out the day as well. I need a smaller notebook for that. I'm constantly starting journals that I write in for a little while then don't keep up with. There are these little half-started journals everywhere in my house, my purse, and who know where else. Sometimes I think about what will happen when I die, and my family runs across them. Oh well. I couldn't possibly find them all. So, I guess the cat will be out of the bag then, won't it? But what will I care? I'll be dead.

Honest to God, my neighbor put up his Christmas decorations yesterday. Seriously.

Having my girls here over the weekend was great. Oh we had our moments--like yesterday when they started fighting over a wagon--like one of those little red wagons but it's plastic. I couldn't take it anymore, and they both went to time out. But there are funny moments, too. Like when The Little One got hurt--not that that's funny--and I asked,"Show me where you got hurt?" And she pointed to the edge of the patio and said, "Over there." Of course I meant where on her little body did she get hurt. I laughed until I cried. She ended up laughing, too.

The Little One has figured out that if she cries, I'll pick her up and hold her. At first she had me buffaloed. But I've caught on to her scram now.

Anyway, I don't pay a lot of attention to what I was eating while they were here. Although I was getting a lot more exercise--I don't think it was enough to X out all of the extra calories.

OK. I'm going to relax a little more, and then get ready for work.

PreProgrammed To Workout

I did the preprogrammed workout again today. This time I made through 20 minutes of walking at 3.2 mph at a 15% incline. Wow. I'm glad it's Friday.

I seem to be making more friends at the gym. Of course, it may be because I've taken the time to stop and talk to people. I'm not a snob. I'm just introspective.

I have my girls all weekend. I'm picking them up from school tonight, and then they'll be with me until Sunday. I'm really looking forward to seeing them—as long as they don't dig any more holes in my backyard.

The stock market is continuing to tank. This is a major economic threat. You know. When the hijackers flew those planes into the World Trade Center—our financial center—this is exactly what they intended. As a country we're so naive that we think if we're bigger and stronger than everyone else, we'll always come out on top. But maybe rather than being the biggest bully, we could use some brains. For the most part, since 9/11, the stock market has been on a downward spiral. They don't have to beat us through military actions. They can just hit us in the pocketbook. The Surge is a fairy tale. This isn't a war on terrorism. It's an economic war. And we aren't winning. They are. Wake up people.

OK. That was my political soapbox for today. It's just something I had to say. And you thought this was a weight loss journal. I should change the name, huh?

OK. Next Wednesday I'm entering into a "get healthy and fit" contract with JD

Life Has Its Twists and Turns

Let's see. It's another day in the life of Kathy J. What's going on with me? I took the morning off. This time of year is really bad for me. Another anniversary of Al's death is fast approaching. The season is changing. It's dark a lot longer and a lot earlier. Crying seems like the best way to pass a day.

Went to lunch yesterday with good friends. It's nice to known people who can make you laugh. And what a group of misfits we are. But it's OK--we have each other.

Life is so weird. I try to figure out everyday why I'm still here. It doesn't make any sense. Yesterday, when I was on the treadmill, I kept getting a pain in the upper left portion of my chest. I thought, "Maybe I'm having a heart attack." But then I realized it was muscular--from holding onto the bar so I wouldn't go flying across the gym. A 15% grade is pretty darn steep. I think my heart has probably gotten fairly strong over the last year anyway. I can hear it going boom. boom, boom sometimes.

I'm still working on my fear of abandonment. Seeing people I hadn't seen in long time yesterday helped, but I still have trouble letting people get close. I don't want to get hurt. And I know I will. I can pour my heart out on this public forum, and people from all over the world comment on my posts. But when it comes to being in the company of another warm-blooded human being, I can't talk about anything because I will breakdown. I think if I make a really good friend, he or she will just end up disappearing out of my life and I will be left hanging again--no explanation just no more contact.

Anyway....

How Long Can You Tread a 15% Grade?

I tried one of the workout that's pre-programmed into one of the treadmills at the gym—and my God, I had no idea it would be this intense. After about five minutes at 5% grade, it moves up to a 13% grade for maybe five minutes, and then it goes to a 15% grade—which I walked for the next 11 minutes. I couldn't take it anymore, so I had to stop it. But I did manage to do 18 more at a 0% grade for a total of 40 minutes. But, WOW. It's been a while since I got that sweaty. But it felt good.

I did not want to get up this morning. I finally rolled out of bed at 6 a.m. I never get up that late. It's the whole change of seasons. This time of year, I get depressed. I can't wait for the weekend. I have the girls for three days. I'm sure we'll have our moments, but I love having them around—as long as they don't dig another hole in my backyard. (What's an environmentally friendly way to get rid of grubs? That also won't hurt my dog?)

I'm going to buy a personal training session at the end of the month. What the hell? I need something to take up my Tuesdays and Thursdays. I think Ginger (my trainer) can help me out.

I'm short on words today. But considering the economy, I'll leave you with this:

Don't Leave Me This Way

Today I managed to do 40 minutes of cardio. And I also continued with the stretching. My leg tends to tighten up if I try to do much. I'm still avoiding the weights for now. I have been doing some upper body work.

I'm working hard to overcome some issues I have. After Al died the way he did—suddenly and unexpectedly—I've developed a fear of abandonment—I'm afraid that everyone I care about will either die or just leave me. Let me try to explain. I feel like I've been deserted. Every plan that I had for the future died when Al did. Most times, I'm in a depressed funk. When my little nieces spend the night with me, I'm afraid that they will die in the middle of the night, and when I wake up I'll find their cold little bodies. I'm afraid everyone of the relationships I have, including my friends, will leave me. I get angry with people for no good reason other than I think they want to leave me. (It's the whole self-fulfilling prophecy.) It's sick. I know it is.

The real reason I don't want to get involved in another relationship is: I'm afraid "it" will just happen again. And I could never go through that again. I can't put my heart out there to be broken like that. It's an awful place to be—all alone with the world crashing in around you. Losing a spouse is a feeling like no other—it's like you've literally been cut in half and you're hemorrhaging. It's not like getting divorced because the bastard is still alive for you to curse. But when he dies, he's not there anymore, anywhere. How can you curse someone who isn't there?

Now I'm in this weird place that I don't want to be. But I'm not in denial about it. I know that I have lots of issues. And I'm trying to work to get past them. But it's going to take some time.

I'll Be Back

I'm not sure where to start so I'll just jump right in. Last night I dreamed I died. The dream was vivid and realistic—not that I think I'm going to die because of this dream. OK?

The dream started with someone ringing my front door bell. I should've known something was up when it went, "Ding, dong." My front door bell has only gone, "Ding," since I moved in. It has never followed up with a "Dong." (That could go in a completely different direction, couldn't it?) Anyway, I don't remember answering the door, but I ended up running for my life. People, I'm unsure of who these people were, were chasing me. And they wanted me dead. I wound up running down this long tunnel (please don't get Freudian on me). I came out in a desolate area. There were roads going in many different directions. Then, this voice from no where—something like a movie over—announced that a blob from outer space had invaded Earth. The voice said, "There is no escape."

Then I saw the blob closing in on me. There were other people around, but I don't know who they were. I think they were also trying to get away from death. I decided to try to run away anyway, but the blob was now everywhere. I couldn't see a way out. It was coming from every direction—kind of oozing its way along. It was filling up every path and I kind of spun around—looking in every direction but there was, in fact, no way out. Soon, I gave up and decided to meet with my fate. The blob oozed up around my feet. Soon it had engulfed my feet and legs. Then it pulled me under.

The sensation of dying was actually not so bad—it was gradual like fading away. First, I felt like I was losing consciousness—but I still had self awareness. Slowly, I began to lose sight as I was sucked deeper into the blob. Then everything went white—it was like a foggy, bright white light. I thought I would disintegrate. But I didn't—not completely. I thought I would become a part of the blob, and I would lose everything about myself. But I didn't. I still had a self-awareness, despite being dead. Being dead was actually a warm, comforting place to be. Then I noticed that there were other people around me. A man beside me told me not worry. One day, we would all be freed from this place we were being held, and then we would come back.

Unfortunately, I don't know if we came back or not, because this is where I woke up.

This is one of the strangest dreams I've ever had. The themes of it were death and renewal, I'm pretty sure. In the dream, I died. And somehow, I will be renewed. I'm not sure how, but I think I'm coming to terms with something.

I Won't Do It, OK. Maybe A Little

Finally, finally, finally, my leg is starting to feel better. It's even more flexible. I hope that by the end of next week, I can resume my more intensive workout. I will keep up the stretching. I've figured out that that's important.

I've still gotta work on the diet. I can't keep pretending it's not important. The good news is that I'm clearly not the over eater I once was.

As for the vice presidential debate: If the winner is the one who had the lowest expectation rating among her own party, and who side-stepped direct questions with vague non-sequester responses about Alaska, hockey moms, Joe Sixpacks, and energy, then Palin is the clear winner. But if you're measuring experience and knowledge, then you gotta give it to Biden. By the way, I, too, can say Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. I learned how to say his name from watching Letterman. (How many times did she say Ahmadinejad?) I also know who the "Dear Leader" of North Korea is from watching Letterman. You know Kim Jong Il and his brother Men Tali Il. Anyway, I digress. OK. I won't get political.

It's Friday. Yea. Am I looking forward to the weekend? You betcha.(Sorry. i couldn't resist.)

Quick and Dirty

I had a tooth repaired today. My mouth is still numb. I think I'm done with the dentist until February and my next cleaning. Yea.

My leg still hurts, but I can stretch it out a little more now. Saw my crush this morning. I have a hard time looking right at him now, because I think he's going to figure out I have a crush on him. And I would be embarrassed beyond any embarrassment I have ever felt in life to this point. I would probably sink right into the floor—never to be seen again.

I wish I could afford a full-time personal trainer—not having the aerobics class anymore makes so hard to figure out what to do everyday.

My mouth is still numb. It's driving me crazy.

The vice-presidential debate is tonight. This should be a hoot. Palin will be rambling on and on, and God knows what's going to come out of Biden's mouth. Should make for some interesting TV though.

I don't have much else to say at the time.

I Don't Feel Any Different

Well, I'm gonna do it. I'm joining AARP. What the hell. I've been alive for half a century. I deserve a little something for it.

That's a change that I'm gonna make—understanding that I do deserve something out of life. I don't think I've felt like I really deserve anything for a long time. I used to be able to go out and get the things I wanted. Now, I'm lucky if I even leave the house. I guess part of this weird, philosophical thing I'm going through has to do with turning 50. I'm reevaluating everything—including why I've been an overeater most of my life. A long time ago. the consequences weren't that bad. But boy has that changed.

I'm back at work today. I wish I had taken the entire week off—I am elderly now, you know. I could've stayed at home and yelled at the neighborhood kids to "get out of my yard." You know what, though? Inside, I feel like the person I have always been. I don't feel 50. I don't even know what 50 is supposed to feel like. Anyway, I don't feel old.

I'm kinda blank about anything else to say. So. . . .