Everything Can Change

I finished lunch a little while ago, and now I have a "sticking" pain in the right side. I think I may still have pleurisy and pneumonia, too. It feels really heavy under my ribs—like my abdomen is full of fluid. I feel like a watermelon.

I was reading another blog—Bad Pancreas—and she was talking about being whole. I understand what she means, despite my not really feeling whole for the past four years. My life, too, was shattered and I picked up what was left. And now I am who I am because of my past—because of everything I knew being ripped apart. It has taken a long time for me to get to where I am now. I now feel like am whole just the way I am. I don't need anyone else to make me feel complete. And that's OK. I like it like this. If I were a lot younger I might feel differently. But I guess I'll never know that.

I know she was talking about how being sick can change  your life. And I'm talking about losing a life partner. There are many, many events in life that can change everything. One day life is what is it is, and the next, it's all different. And no one asked you if that was OK with you. It just happens. Then it's time to make new plans. 

OK. I'm getting weird. Too philosophical maybe. Funny. I'm actually listening to DEVO sing "Whip It" right now. How weird is that? 

Get straight, go forward, move ahead. . . .

The next song on my MPV? Don Henley's "In a New York Minute." 

In New York minute, everything can change

In New York minute, things can get a little strange. . . .

I Haven't Been Defeated

I'm going to the gym in the morning, despite the way I feel. I'm really disappointed that no one can seem to figure out what's wrong with me. I'm getting more frustrated as the days and months go by. I have been set back in my weight loss program by months.

I'm eating low fat, trying to exercise as much as possible, but still gaining weight and the pain in the right side isn't improving. It is also spreading across the stomach--but headquartered in my right side. By now, I think this is something serious. But all of my medical tests have been inconclusive. I'm awaiting the results of some blood and fecal tests now. I imagine they will show nothing as well.

Well, I gotta get up at 5 a.m. So I'm off to bed. I hope my medical issues don't discourage anyone from fighting the War Against Fat. I will get better soon, and I will be back in the shape I was six months ago. I figure as long as I write it down, I am making a commitment. And I have committed to exercising with a trainer at least two per week for the fall semester here at WVU. So I will be there in the morning.

P.S. Funny thing. Most of weight gain has been in my middle.

And after two nights, I woke up and I had no back pain

I've decided that the inversion table was actually sent by God. I haven't had this much pain relief in my right leg in almost two years--well, since it really started up. It seems like a silly thing to do, but don't knock it it until you've tried it. And it does qualify as a medical expense when tax time comes rolling around. Find those loop holes--that's what I say.

OK. That was the good news. The pain under my right ribs is still there boring its way through my body. Most of the time it's like a gnawing kind of pain. Like something is trying to chew its way out. And I'd say that's about a level two to three on pain scale. But, mind you, this is what it's like all of the time. It never takes a break. At other times, it's like someone taking the broken bottom of a glass bottle and grinding it into my guts--and working desparately to get it to come out the other side. And that's like a level six to may be even an eight.

Now if I could just work past that pain, life would be good.

Spinal Decompression and the Girl with too Much Pain

I've used the inversion table twice, and I'm already feeling much better—that is as far as the back pain goes. Well, worth it. I can walk a little easier, and the pain in the back of my right leg has eased tremendously. Decompressing your spine. Who knew?

In other news I've had an elevated blood sugar two mornings in a row. I still have the pain in my side. And right now no one could convince me that I don't have chronic pancreatitis. The story is much longer, but I'll wait to share everything. 

And so, the morale to my story today is: get an inversion table if you have chronic back problems. 

Just Hangin' Around

The inversion table came. I tried it out, and I think it will do a lot good for my back. I already feel taller (ha, ha). But seriously folks, my back feels better. I'm wearing my hiking boots while I do it to keep my ankles from being pulled out of socket. Now if it could just fix pancreatitis.

I'm still having pain. I still occasionally feel like I have the flu. I get chills, achy joints and muscles, and diarrhea. I've been checking my blood sugar and getting same strange results. I'll share those another time. But I think I'm onto something. I did have coxsackie virus about a year before this all started. Diabetes anyone? I'll explain more later. But the results are strange. Take my word for it. OK. Like high when it shouldn't be--but then again, low when it shouldn't.

After I went to see Julia and Julie, I decided that I have officially become a little old lady. When I went to see this movie and walked into the theater and it was filled with old ladies and their older daughters, I knew I had arrived. They even complimented me on my shoes--they looked very comfortable, something like an orthopedic or earth shoe. Now who wouldn't want to be styling in those?

It's funny. I don't fear age. I just fear what it does to my body. I just don't like feeling broken down. OK. That's it for now.

Don't Look at Me

I went to the gym and did 30 minutes on an elliptical.  I also did some stretching. I'm working my way back. Sorry folks, no updated photos until I feel like I'm presentable. I've been sick for a long time, and I still have big bags under my eyes—and I don't look that great. 

I'm still having pain, but I'm getting so used to having it I'm not sure I'd know what to do if I had a day without it. 

It's overcast and gray outside. I'd love to curl up and go to sleep. 

I bought an inversion table for my back. It should arrive by Saturday. I'll let you know if it really works. I think it could. My doctor says I have significant osteoarthritis in my lumbar back. I went to the chiropractor a couple of times and hanging upside down does help. So I bought the in-home version. 

Well, it's time to get back to work. Later.

A Long Day into Night

I made it to the gym this morning—but I slept in. I think I put my trainer out a little bit. But I can't blame her. She was expecting me, and I was almost half an hour late. It's still hard for me to get out of bed in the morning. And the dogs usually wake me up if the alarm goes off and I don't get up. But they didn't this morning. But it's a rainy day, too. So I guess they didn't want to get up either. Still, I'm blaming them.

This coming Monday, August 17, would've been Al's and my 19th anniversary. On the 25th, he would've been 51. So I'm beginning my sad time of year—from now until New Year's. 

It's going to be a long day.

I'm Moving On

This morning I worked out with a personal trainer--although she did take it easy on me. I've also been eating things that are good for me--fresh fruit and vegetables. And some lean meat. I did sneak in a couple of M&Ms. But my desire for them is waning. I've also had 1% milk and whole grain bread.

Tomorrow it's back to the gym--and I will work through pain if I must. I have to move on with my life. I can't be too old yet.

So it's onward and upward. Who's with me?

Coincidences and Collations

Here we are on Monday morning, and I am feeling surprisingly better. Still have some pain, but not to the point it was. I feel more human today. Whatever it was, they cut something out of me on Tuesday. And I'm now healing. Although they're trying to make me believe that these simple cysts could not have been causing me any pain, I have my own theories. It's not a coincidence. 

A coincidence is when you pick up milk at the store and get home and find out everyone else bought milk, too. When someone cuts something out of you, and then you start feeling better, it's not a coincidence.  It's a direct effect. I'd like to go on and on about doctors, but I won't right now. I don't have time.

Cranky Escapdes and Wild Geese

Ugh. It's 2 a.m. and I'm too cranked to sleep. I feel sleepy, but it won't happen. I feel like some kind of weird hormonally cranked, too. You know, not your ordinary, "I can't sleep."

I'm still wondering what the hell is going on in my medical escapades. I know there's something that they're not telling me. I was dreaming that these two people were leading me all around an apartment complex--but they had no real aim as where we went and when. I got tired of the "wild goose" chase and eventually went off on my own. I don't think I need to explain that.

Monday morning I'm going back to the personal trainer. I can't let my whole life go. And I do feel oddly better, too. I have my feelings about why that is, too. But won't go into them here. I will say that I do know that some kind of lesions were removed from me--benign as they may be, they may have been doing more than just hanging around. Know what I'm saying? But I still have the pain--it's just a little different now.

So beginning on Monday, my life starts over once again. As does my diet and exercise plan. So here's to me. And one more start.

Good News But I'm Still in Pain

My tests say that my pancreas is normal. Good news. But I still have no idea why I'm in pain. Why did the biopsy cause the pain to increase? The doctors are stumped. I'm glad I don't have cancer. But what do I have?

I Didn't Imagine It

I'm quite tired today. The surgeon took two biopsies on Tuesday. I'm still feeling the effects. I'm hoping he got it. The pain I feel from the surgery is exactly the pain that I have been feeling all along--just a little more sore. Mainly on the right side, but spreading to the left and sore across my back. So I can be pretty sure he hit the sweet spot. My stomach feels swollen and tight. And it still hurts when I breathe. Let's hope the two things he cut out were minor, benign cysts. OK? And now I'm going to heal up and get all better.

So that's it for now. I hope I have good news to share soon. My question is: The surgeon did in fact find something exactly where I was having pain. So there was something there--not my imagination after all. But what was it?

Someday I'll write a post about anesthesia. Is that stuff ever a wild ride? I just can't figure out why somebody would think it was a good idea to take as a daily sleep aid. While I was under the influence, I ended up having a weird dream that I was driving out of control down a steep hill in San Francisco heading straight for the bay. In the dream I was also asleep but I couldn't wake up. And my car seat was reclined. I was trying desperately to sit up so I could see where I was going. I terrified I going to hit someone. The car kept moving at a high rate of speed. When I finally did get to sit up, I noticed that someone had taped a piece of cardboard over the windshield. When I found the strength to pull it off, it turned out to be one of those letters you get through e-mail--you know, some scammer claiming to be a Nigerian prince who's trapped in his country and he needs you to send everything in your savings account to get him out? Then he will share his great wealth with you. Except in my dream the guy had a sister. I remember I then became furious that these foreign invaders had gotten into my car to put this piece of cardboard on my windshield--I was livid. Anyway, what a dream for only being knocked out for about 30 minutes, eh?

I'm a Middle-aged, Overweight Woman

Well, here we go again. My diagnosis has changed again from just pneumonia to a compressed lung and pleurisy with a little pneumonia. Why does it keep changing? Because there's something else wrong and no one can figure out what it is. I have an idea. But I won't speak of it yet. Why? Because I hope with all of my heart and soul that I'm wrong. I will give you just a little hint though: it starts with pancreatic. . . .

It's going to take me six months to recover from all of this once it's finally finished. At least I hope that's all it takes. I move like an old woman now. After two years of diet and exercise and once being able to move like the person I was in my 30s, I'm now reduced to a shuffling old woman. And I'm rapidly gaining weight. That goes along with the nausea, diarrhea, fatigue, itching, and pain--God, let's not forget the constant pain.

Gaining weight? Yes, gaining weight. But shouldn't people with pancreatic. . . be losing weight? Well, not if they have islet cell carcinoma, insulinoma in particular. And if they are a middle-aged, overweight woman--the kind of people insulinomas love. Fortunately not all insulinomas are malignant. Many are benign. But they do affect insulin production and do require surgery.

Believe me. I want it to be something simple. I truly do. But so many things have been ruled out. And the pain is still there.

I'm still holding out hope. I have another test next week. Let's hope it rules out one more thing.