Happy New Year

2010 begins at midnight tonight. Most folks view the coming year as a fresh start--a time to make resolutions about their lives.

My mother--good ole' country woman that she was--used to tell me, "Whatever you're doing on New Year's Eve, you'll be doing the whole year through." I'll be at my sister's enjoying some family time. Right now, I'm here writing this blog. I decided to make just a few resolutions this year. So here goes:

1. Comes to terms with my food addiciton,

2. Visit at least 10 other people's weight loss blogs a day for motivation and inspiration,

3. Workout at least four days per week--it doesn't always have to be in a gym,

4. Keep a food journal, and

5. Write in this blog at least four days per week.

So that's it. Happy New Year everybody!

2009 Ends with a Blue Moon

It only happens once in a blue moon. December 31, 2009, will be the second blue moon this year, according the Weather Channel. So while it may not seem so auspicious, it does make for a heck of an ending. So this may be the year to make all those New Year's Resolutions that you never thought you'd actually do. It may be a blue moon before you get to again.

FYI: A blue moon happens when two full moons occur in one month. The second full moon is called a blue moon.

Getting on Top of Why I Always Feel on the Bottom

PBS will be airing a documentary titled This Emotional Life beginning January 4, 2010. It's three-part series, and looks like it will be worth watching.

If you can't tell from my posts lately, I'm really exploring my emotions and how they connect to who I am--and to why I have a food addiction. Depression, anger, and guilt keep my emotional roller coaster running. And I use food to control my feelings, and my reaction to the world. But I'm tired of it. I'm tired of ruining my health just so I can feel better for five minutes. I'm tired of giving up on things that will make me happy because they will be hard to do. So my New Year's resolutions include figuring how this got started so I can figure out how to end it.

I'd like to share with you some of the things that I've found. Binge eating or compulsive overeating has it's roots in addiction. Oftentimes, people who use food as a means of coping come from families in which addiction is one of the most common traits.

Binge eating or compulsive overeating falls into the realm of addictive behaviors because the person who is exhibiting the behavior is preoccupied with it. Food is always on their mind. They no more than finish lunch until they are thinking about snacks or dinner. They often eat at night or in secret. They have secret stashes.

People who are addicted to food typically use ruminative coping methods--meaning they tend to dwell on problems. Also, there are brain changes associated with obesity. These changes are similar to those in an alcoholic or drug addict. Obese people often fall into what has been called a toxic triangle--eating, drinking, over thinking. (The drinking doesn't have to be alcohol. It could be soda.) This behavior leads to binging.

So. That sounds like me. And now I've got to figure out which way to go.

Note that I've added a resource in the left-hand column: Disorder.org. Here's a direct link to information about eating disorders.

Photo Credit: APaperFaceOnParade

Biggest Loser Faces Weight Loss Battle Again

We've all been there, haven't we? Lose the weight only to regain it.

Eric Chopin's 1-hr documentry premiere will be airing on Discovery Health Channel on Wednesday, January 6, 2010 at 9:00 pm. The title of the show is "Confessions of a Reality Star Loser." I will be watching. If he can do this again, hell, so can I.

The Discovery Channel is beginning a series called A New Year, A New You. They will tackle everything from weight loss to hoarding. Sounds like a good way to start the New Year.

Who am I?

I'm not a person who doesn't like change. You'll probably notice that I flipped the blog around. But, once again, it's OK. I'm still the person behind the curtain. I'm trying to make changes that reflect a New Year is once again upon us. .

I've been thinking a lot about who I am. And I'm really trying to figure it out. If I could make contact with the inner me, I think I would have the answers to a lot of questions.

I think this photo says a lot. The conflict between the two worlds is undeniable.

I'm working on the food addiction article and hope to have it posted on Suite101 soon. I'm having trouble getting going on the article today. But in the meantime, check out The Guide to Behavior Change.

Check out Endocrine Journal Club's blog. I like this site.

Libra on December 25, 2009

This was my horoscope for today. Funny I was thinking the same thing. K.

December 25, 2009

Libra (9/23-10/22)

There's no sense in sitting around and thinking about it anymore -- take action, even on Christmas Day! If your life needs a change, get up and do something about the situation; if you need to make amends, do it. Downtime is only a state of activity waiting to happen. After the party tonight, make a list of what needs to be done, then combine activities over the coming days as much as possible. Tonight, a long-postponed conversation clears the air.

I Changed the Name Back

OK. I changed the blog name back to what it was in the beginning. Don't fool around with what works.

I Don't Need This Quiz

I don't have to take this quiz to know that I'm addicted to food. I think I answered yes to every question. But hey. It's not all bad. They say when you can admit that you have a problem, you can do something about it. Right? Right?

Do you know that there's a Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous? I didn't. And it appears they have a meeting near here.

OK. I went to the site and had a look at it. They follow the 12-Step Program of AA. My biggest problem with this is the very first step—Admitting that I am powerless over food. Am I really powerless over it? I hope not. I don't want to give my power to a donut. Shouldn't I be saying: I have the power to overcome my addiction to food?

Despite that—I like the taking it one day at time part. Just for today I will eat healthfully and pass up the candy, cookies, whatever. Just for today I can get up to go exercise. Anyway, I'm still researching.

My sister just said: Changing a habit is really changing your mind.

The Invention of Lying, or Not

Today I wrote Why Do People Lie? I was looking through the local paper, and there was a story in it about why people lie. Prior to reading that article and my writing this one, I thought I must be a helluva mark because people lie to me everyday. I guess I'm not so special. People lie to each other everyday about almost anything. But did you know that people lie to themselves as much as they lie to other people? One of my favorite things to lie to myself about is how much I ate. Another: the dryer shrunk my pants.

I lie. We lie. Everyone lies. We're all a bunch of word-class liars. No really. It's true. Ricky Gervais did not invent lying. I know it's hard to believe.

Anyway, if you'd like to, check out my article.

Food Addiction

I'm going to write an article about food addiction for Suite101.com. I'll have it finished before the first of the year. I intend to continue to work on my food addiction. I figure the more I learn, the more I can figure out why I eat to soothe myself. So be looking for that.

OK. After some thought, I'd like to ask a list of questions, and luckily get two or three responses, about being addicted to food.

Many people fall under the spell of food. They use it to cope with life's challenges, and likely find it difficult to satisfy their cravings. Most of these people know that they should choose nutritious food. But when a binges comes on, the only thing that will satisfy is the stuff they know will make sick--literally, emotionally, and physically.

David Kessler, M.D., said in his book, "The End of Overeating," that foods high in sugar and fat may actually make them "hyperpalatable," meaning that they taste really, really good. The doctor claims that this response is measurable under scientific conditions.

1. What do you think of Dr. Kessler's Findings?
2. Have you ever found yourself in a binge because the food tasted so good you couldn't stop, or was that just a bonus and the binge would've happened anyway? (I know I personally have eaten things I didn't particularly like--it was just what was available.)
3. What food sets you off on a binge?
4. What life events make it more likely that you will binge?

I think that's a start. I'd like to include your responses in my article. Names can be withheld to protect your identity. Any takers? Please.

More tomorrow.

The Names Have Been Changed to Protect the Innocent

OK. I changed the name of my blog again. So don't be startled. It is me. I'm still here.

What's pantophobia?

Lucy Van Pelt: Are you afraid of responsibility? If you are, then you have hypengyophobia.

Charlie Brown: I don't think that's quite it.

Lucy Van Pelt: How about cats? If you're afraid of cats, you have ailurophasia.

Charlie Brown: Well, sort of, but I'm not sure.

Lucy Van Pelt: Are you afraid of staircases? If you are, then you have climacaphobia. Maybe you have thalassophobia. This is fear of the ocean, or gephyrobia, which is the fear of crossing bridges. Or maybe you have pantophobia. Do you think you have pantophobia?

Charlie Brown: What's pantophobia?

Lucy Van Pelt: The fear of everything.

Charlie Brown: THAT'S IT!

The Miracle of the Blog

One the biggest things that I have been trying to do differently is picture myself living the life I want. Free from my addictions. Enjoying life.

I have used food for long time as an antidepressant. I come from a long line of alcoholics. So I am wired like an addict. But I heard someone say that genetics only loads the gun. The environment pulls the trigger.

So if I'm wired to be an addict, and I grew up in a home with an alcoholic, and everything was about making the alcoholic happy, and children were pushed to the side--and my needs as a child were satisfied--by people who claimed that they loved me--with cookies, cakes, and ice cream, then how could I have helped what happened to me. I can understand it now, but I certainly couldn't then. Now I have to figure out a way to break the cycle.

Do I want help. Absolutely. And I get help everyday on this blog and the other blogs that I visit. I get help from people who are suffering through the same pain. We applaud each other for doing well. We tell each other to hang in there when things aren't going so well. I do have help. That's why I'm here writing this blog. And some days I don't have to ask for help--it just shows up. And that's the miracle of pouring your heart out in an open forum.

So, to everyone who stops by to say they've got my back--you are the greatest. Plese don't ever go away.

Want to get high, man?

I was watching a program on the Discovery Channel about addictive eating disorders. People who binge eat are looking for an increase in the brain chemical dopamine--the same chemical that increases when drug addicts get high on cocaine or heroine. (One of the reasons that Wellbutrin works well for people who binge eat.) The program further asserted that binge eaters use food as an antidepressant. (Wellbutrin again.)

So does this information make my journey any easier? A little, I guess. But knowing something and putting the knowledge in practice are two different things. I've actually been aware of this information for a long time. I am working on making changes. I can admit that I have a problem.

But I still don't need anyone to tell me that my behavior is unhealthy. To those of you who "got" my last post, I'm with you and I feel your pain. For those who didn't, try reading it again--from a little different perspective. Maybe you could stand on a chair. What? That doesn't make sense? Well, right back at ya.

Don't' Remind Me that I'm a Screw up

I've been reading a lot of blogs about overeating addictions. Some are them are by the people who are addicted. Others are by people who want to help the addicted person, but don't know how. Some of those people say they have approached the person to point out their behavior thinking they may not know they have a problem.

Believe me, they probably already know it. And here's a hint: People usually don't want to be reminded that they are big screw ups. Oftentimes even what might be considered gentle prodding can be taken the wrong way—especially if the person has a long history of low self esteem. Perhaps he or she was the subject of bulling in school. Or maybe they are the product of strike parents. The kinds of scars left from what happens early in life are hard to heal. And likely have a lot to do with the addictive behavior.

I'll use myself as an example. I know I eat too much and all of the wrong things. I know this behavior leads to my being overweight. I don't need anyone to point that out to me. I know that if I eat an entire cake by myself I will get sick and will likely gain weight—especially if I use this behavior to cope on a regular basis. Here's another hint: I'm not going to stop this behavior as long as it's working for me. Even when it becomes painful, I will still continue this coping behavior because it's worked in the past, and I don't know of other ways to cope with the world. And finding other ways is difficult. It's a lot of hard work.

Continuing with me as an example, what will work for me is finding other people who are like me. People who can't cope with the world unless they eat something—anything. Finding fellowship and realizing that I am not alone has long been my antidote to destructive behavior. This blog has often been a lifesaver—and not the kind comes in fruit flavors. People who stop by to say, "Hey, I know exactly what you mean," and "here's what I did to cope in that situation" have been the biggest help. Others who stop by just to say, "hang in there" help me as well. And to all of you, I say thank you.

What doesn't help, though, is when some friend decides to tell me that I'm eating too much and may be harming my health. "No kidding?" is what I'm thinking. Along with, "Why don't you just go to hell?" While the concern may be real, it's often not taken in that context. Here's another hint: I'm not likely to take this advice and won't do anything to help myself until I'm ready.

So that's all I have to say today. While I may sound bitter—yeah I probably am—constant advice from a well-meaning friend isn't going to help me.

Shaking It Off

Back at the gym this morning. I'm starting slowly. I walked for about 20 minutes and did an elliptical for about 10 minutes. I feel better but certainly not worn out.

I have a lot of hard ahead, but I think I can muster up what it takes. I didn't think I could before. I think it takes the right frame of mind to even get motivated. If people feel weighed down by life, I don't think they can really shake it off until they have some change in the way they think—if that makes any sense at all. I guess I mean I've been letting it go.

The truth of the matter is that my life is changing dramatically. While there's too much personal stuff to discuss in an open forum, I can say that I've been forced to make some heavy decisions. I've also been forced to face some facts. Although it's been difficult, even painful, I know the decisions I've made are right. And now I feel like I can move forward.

Thank you to everyone who supplied words of hope and wisdom. It has meant a lot to me. You have no idea how much it's meant.

No Time Left

It's been a while since I updated. I was doing well until Thanksgiving. Lately, I've been backsliding. So once again, I'm saying I'll start tomorrow. OK. So the food hasn't been that bad. It's the exercise. At one time, that was the thing that I did no matter what. Soooo. When do I get started? Tomorrow? Monday? It's time to stop feeling sorry for myself.