There's Always a Bright Side

This morning while taking the kids to school, we got caught in a torrential downpour. The girl was freakin' out because she couldn't see.

I said, "How do you think I feel? I'm trying to drive. It's gonna flood today. I hate this."

Then from the backseat I hear in this joyous little voice exclaim, "But do you like rainbows?"

Well, who doesn't? I guess it won't be such a bad day after all. The kid was right again.

Why am I still fat? Will mental makeover help?

Reflecting on my life, I realized that I am still fat for a reason. Being fat has become my default setting. And I have a tendency to sabotage myself so I can maintain the default. I can justify my position because I am self deluded. I tell myself I want to change. But in reality, it takes too damn much energy to lose weight. So I'm still fat.

Photo by Dedda71

But, despite myself, I continue to search for ways to overcome myself. One such way is meditation. Simple meditation exercises can get me off of autopilot and thinking about my self deceptive habits in new ways. For example, if I inhale and notice my breath before I reach for the chocolate, I can break the cycle of associating chocolate with stress. At least that's what Martine Batchelor, author of Let Go: A Buddhist Guide to Breaking Free of Habits, says.

"The two main elements of meditation—concentration and inquiry—are key to getting control of your actions," she says. "Concentration helps because every time you come back to your breath, your body, a mantra or whatever your meditation is, you dissolve the habit's power." Next, she explains, you need to begin inquiry.

"It's like a beam of light," Batchelor says. "Normally, you find yourself [eating chocolate or whatever you want to insert here] before you think about it. With inquiry, you notice the details of the experience, you take the time to observe when and how the habit arises, and you become a little more aware that you don't want to do it."

Have I tried this yet? Meditation, like many other things in my life, I'm still working on. I do, however, know that when I take the time to think through whether buying some chocolate is good idea, I recognize that it's a less than beneficial choice. Does it always stop me? No. But it helps about 75 percent of the time. Will I continue to use it? Absolutely. I think it's a very good tool for weight loss—as well as other health-related habits such as quitting smoking.

Let me know if you use meditation, and what works for you. I'd love to hear from you.

I'm Not as Fat as I Thought

At a recent health fair, I had my waist measured. As it turns out, it was 38.5 inches. I was happy about it. In fact, I must've appeared so happy that the person taking the measurement was surprised and remarked, "It's supposed to be below 35 to be OK."

I tried to explain that I didn't expect it to be that good. And that I knew where it was supposed to be. I thought it was going to be something like 45 inches. So when it comes out seven inches smaller than what you thought it was going to be—well, I think that's reason to celebrate. Don't you?

Want to Win Free Groceries?
Anyway, are you interested in winning free groceries for a year. If so, check out my blog post on my other blog Living a Debt Free Life. Free groceries on a weight loss site? Hmmmm. There must be some kind of irony there. . . .

One of the Top 50 Blogs about Food Addiction

The Guide to Culinary Schools named my blog in their 50 blogs about food addiction. I am honored. Thank you.

Tongue Tied Tuesday

It's OK to Ask for Help

The path to wellness.

Yesterday, I went to a therapist to discuss compulsive overeating. We went over much of what I thought we'd go over, but what I didn't realize was how much it was going to affect me. She told me that we learn most of our coping behaviors before we turn nine years old. Whatever you did when you were a kid is what you continue to do now. I used to hide under my grandmother's kitchen table and eat ice cream. To this day, ice cream remains a trigger food for me—although I no longer hide under the table.

We talked about what it was like to grow up in an alcoholic home, my mother's compulsive eating, and how seeing that you drown or stuff down your problems is the way to cope. That much I knew. I did not know it was going to rouse up a bunch of feelings I thought I had successfully suppressed. So much for thinking.

Memories from the Corners of My Mind. . . .
The memories and feelings lingered into my dream world last night. I dreamt of having things stolen from me. I dreamt of people I hadn't seen in years. I dreamt of feeling used and abandoned. This morning, I feel odd.

I plan to continue therapy for a few weeks just to see where it goes. I don't want to be like I am any longer, and I need help to free myself from myself.

I am still going to the lap band seminar tomorrow. I want to explore all of my options. I need help, and I don't mind asking for it. 

Update to the Update: Lap Band Update and Other Stuff

Just a quick update this morning: I'm still on the fence with the lap band procedure. I'm weighing the pros and cons. It seems there are just as many success as horror stories. Used as tool, I think it could be very effective. For the record, I have never thought it would be magic. I know what it takes to lose weight. But thank you for all of your advice. I have read all of it, and am considering all of it.

This morning I told the kids we'd have broccoli for dinner. The girl loves it. The boy, well. I asked him why he didn't like it. He said, "My brain tells me I don't like it." I couldn't argue with that.

Life is OK at the moment. So that's it for now. Busy day ahead. I hope yours is a good one.

P.S. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a therapist to discuss compulsive overeating. 

A LapBand or Not?

I'm seriously considering having a LapBand. I am at my wits end. I need something that's going to work. I've been researching it for a couple of days, and I signed up for a seminar. Even then I don't know what I'll do for sure. I just know I've got to do something.

I know I've seen several bloggers who've had this done. What do you think of it? What are the drawbacks? What have been your greatest challenges? On the other hand, what have been the benefits? 

On Account of My Obstacles

Over the weekend, I dreamed I was on the Biggest Loser. Seriously. I really dreamed this. Anyway, I was so excited because I thought, "Finally, I'm gonna lose all of this weight." So what does this mean to me? I think it means that I'm finally getting into a frame of mind where I think I can lose all of this weight. Thank God.

It's so tough getting into the right mindset to lose weight. Then it's such a delicate place to be that any little thing can set you back. I've been fighting for more than two years to get there. Even the fear of death couldn't bring me around any faster. Why is it so hard? I think I'm coming closer to having the answers for my own journey. Number one is I feel all alone in my life—even when there are people around. I 'm sure that makes sense to somebody.Every other negative emotion stems from there. I develop a "What's the Use" attitude. And failure is eminent.

Everett, Pete, and Delmar faced many obstacles
before reaching their destination. 

My number two obstacle is my obsessive need to help everybody—whether they want my help or not. Susan really explained this best in her comment on my Groundhog Day post:

"I can relate. I have always wanted to 'help' everyone. Being like this sometimes led to me trying to take over everything and often made others think I was bossy and that, in turn, led to me having feelings of resentment when they didn't appreciate my help. Finally realizing that I wasn't (and wasn't supposed to be) my world's Super Hero made quite an impact on me. I think, deep down, I was doing all of this because I wanted to be liked."  

And that's me to a tee. I have come to realize that I can't do everything for everybody. And I can let go of the people I love and let them have their own experiences. I have also learned to accept compensation when it's offered. That has been an extremely hard lesson for me to learn. I have always felt that if I didn't take on someone else's troubles as if they were my own, I wasn't really helping. I'd say,"Oh no. You don't need to pay me back." Then when I got nothing in return, I felt cheated. What bologna.

Now, I've learned to recognize that people don't really want someone to take on the full burden of their lives, and they want to stand on their own—I'm talking about most people. I know there are exceptions. And I've learned to take what they offer in repayment and accept it. The weight of the world has been lifted from me.

Anyway, I've come along way from where I was a mere year ago. And thank you all for being there for me.

Animal Doctors

This morning as the kids were getting in the car so I could take them to school, I noticed there was a lot dog hair in the backseat.

"Boy, Caleb really got the car hairy," I said.

"How did he get in the car?" asks my 4-year-old nephew.

"He was in here when I took him to the vet."

"What 's a vet?"

"A vet is an animal doctor."

"How can an animal be a doctor?"

What do I say to that?

It's Groundhog Day

Happy Groundhog Day!
This morning while I was taking the kids to school, we saw a rainbow. Right now it's 53 degrees and sunny, but that's supposed to change later today. But it is Groundhog Day and that means we're closing in on spring.

Also, this morning, my nephew got stuck on the ice again—in his car. He wasn't just standing there. And I resisted the urge to run outside to help him. Don't worry. A neighbor helped him. But why this is a big thing for me is: I know I can't save everyone now. I can't keep the people I live from experiencing life. People can and often do find ways to help themselves. I'm not responsible for everyone. I can't be. I can only be responsible for myself. And what a weight off of my shoulders that is. I don't have to live the same day over and over.

Diet has been going OK. I've been eating lots of vegetables and fruit. I've been trying to stick with three meals a day. I'm not counting calories right now, but I am watching portion sizes. Exercise is mostly just moving more. It's a little easier when the kids are around.

I'm still looking for as many dieting and fitness resources that I can find. Let me know if you run across any good ones. I'll let you know what I find as well.

I'll try to post more later, but life has been busy this week.

And that's it for now. 

Any Excuse