I've Been Hijacked

This morning I read that a man used his own pay stub to write a bank robbery note on. This guy must be brilliant.

I did not go to the gym today, but I did workout at home. It was kinda hard because the rug I was standing on kept slipping. I guess I'll have to do something about that.

My computer at home has been hijacked by some sort of Trojan. A friend of mine is going to try to fix it tomorrow. But until then, I can only check e-mail and such at work.

I signed up for an adult piano class at WVU. It starts January 21 if they get enough people.

Not much else is going on. So TTFN.

Hi, Ho, Hi, Ho, It's Off to Work I Go

I read today that the oldest man is the U.S. died at 112. I hope I don't have to live that long.

I'm trying to get back into the groove of working. It hasn't been easy.

I did not workout this morning. But I will tomorrow. Next week, I have no choice. I have to get back to my regular schedule. Please remind me that I have to do this. Please.

I'm having surgery on my finger on January 8.

Well, I need to get back to it, I guess.

Chance and Caleb

Thanks Kate. That's what I was trying to do.

My Try at a Slide Show

OK. I'm working on this whole slide-show thing. I'll get better at it.

Happy Christmas

Since I Got This New Piano. . . .

Since the piano came along, I've been pretty lax in my posting. The nice thing about learning piano is that when I'm practicing, I'm not even thinking about eating. I'm concentrating on the song I'm trying to play. And believe me, at this point it's trying to play. But it's turned into such a wonderful experience. I didn't know it would be this satisfying. And to say something satisfies me besides food is a definite endorsement for learning something new. No matter your age or even your talent, give it a shot. You might be surprised. For the first time in my life, I can read music.

Also if you if take up music at an older age, it may prevent dementia. And if you have a family history of dementia--like an Uncle Joe who started peeing in the refrigerator after he turned 70 or an Aunt Bessie who started wondering around the neighborhood naked--and you're, oh, I don't know, say 50, you might want to consider taking up music.

I have been to the gym, and I'm watching what I'm eating. I haven't weighed myself in a while. But I will in good time. Probably after Christmas. Then I'll check the real damage.

I have to go to an orthopedic surgeon today to have the cyst on finger checked. I don't know if he'll actually do anything about it today or not. I suppose not. He'll probably set up another appointment to do that. I hope he can just drain it rather than an actual surgery.

It just occurred to me that I've actually used the word actual too many times in that last paragraph. But who really cares? I suppose if there's some copy editor out there reading this--M--she might be tempted to edit my post.

Last night I had the old "naked in public" dream. But it was combined with the "having to take a test that you're not prepared for" dream. So I feel exposed and unprepared for it I guess. I did run across this really nice guy who helped me find some clothes, though. So I guess it's not all bad. I was tyring to hide in the dark, and he said, "You're going to have to come out of there." And then I said, "But I'm naked. I don't have any clothes." At first he said, "I don't care. You've got to get out of there." But I begged him to help me, I said, "Can't you find me a big shirt or something to wear? Please." And he did. He actually found me a shirt and some underwear. Who said chivalry is dead? At least it isn't in my dreams.

OK. That's the most I've had to say in a while. I hope whatever happens today with my finger doesn't affect my typing too much. If not, I'll try to let you what happens. TTFN.

Lose Weight Sitting Down

I saw this on Vicki's post and had to share. it. I laughed until I cried.

Merry Christmas

FaceBook

Hey Check out My FaceBook page.

New Pics of the Boys

They still sleep together.

Physical Reason for Stuffing Myself

I was going to get some new photos of the boys, but they would not cooperate. I'll try again tonight.

I made it to the gym again this morning. Wow. That's two days in a row. I'm going for four.

My stomach still feels much better—although I'm more tired today than yesterday. I felt so good yesterday, I think I wore myself out.

Still pounding away on the piano. Right now, I'm still really confused over the notes. I know the keys, but when it comes to actually playing a song, suddenly I'm a klutz—well, that may not be sudden. I feel like I have flippers instead of fingers. Anyway, I'm practicing. I'm also looking into some piano software. I think that would be cool. A friend of mine is supposed to help me figure all of that out.

I ate breakfast before I went to the gym today, and now I'm hungry again. My stomach is growling—and it feels like actual hunger pangs and not that feeling that I need to stuff myself to make my stomach feel better.

We're having a Christmas lunch at work today. I think I can make it through without over doing it. Like I said, I no longer feel like I have a need to stuff myself. You know, sometimes our downfalls actually have a physical explanation.

Pain in the Gut

Wow. I've been gone for a while.

I have an ulcer. I was getting to the point where I felt nauseated all of the time. I'm taking something called Protonix. I haven't felt as well as I feel right now for a very long time. I had no idea that an ulcer could make you feel so bad.

What else have I been doing? Learning to play the piano. I can sort of play Jungle Bells now. And I can sort of read music.

I made it to the gym today, and my leg feels better. I mean really better. Can an ulcer cause muscle cramps in muscles other than your stomach? Let me know if you have that one figured out.

I'll try to post more later.

I Wish I Could Hibernate

OK. I've had a few questions about resveratrol and soy. They did not work for me. The only things that have worked are reducing the amount I eat and lots of exercise. Sorry. I have not found any miracles. 

Not much else has changed in my life. I'm still stressed. Sticking to any kind of healthy program has been really tough. I wish I could hibernate. I'm working on finding my motivation. But it is not where I left it. 

I was supposed to write seven weird things about myself, but never got around to it. I will try to get to that soon. 

In the mean time, here's an old post with eight weird things:

Over the weekend, I was tagged by Jimmy Moore —that stinker—to play a game in which I have to list eight interesting or peculiar things about myself. So here goes:

1. I was born at home. Not too peculiar, but considering it was in southern West Virginia in the '50s, it's a bit of a tale. My mother did not go to a doctor throughout her entire pregnancy with me. In spite of that, I was born as a healthy nine-pound baby. A midwife named Garnett Farley delivered me. I was born in my parents’ bed. After I was born, my father took me to the “company store” and weighed me on the meat scale. How’s that for a beginning in life? Hmmm. Maybe it was indication of how I would spend my life. On a scale. And in the vicinity of food.

2. You know how people can do that “Live Long and Prosper” thing with their fingers? Well, I can do that with my toes. Now there’s a skill that will come in handy in the future.

3. I did not start college until I was 27 years old. And then I paid my own way through school. It was so exciting buying my books and getting off to school. There is no way I could go back to school now. I’ve tried, but it’s just too much. My hat is off to anyone who could.

4. I’m completely creeped out by root cellars. Those dirt walls and the roots sticking out—can you tell I grew up in the country? Anyway, one of my worst nightmares is being locked in one.

5. I’ve traveled to more than 25 U.S. states, including Vermont, Delaware, New York, New Hampshire, Michigan, Ohio, Indiana, Tennessee, Virginia, Kentucky, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Illinois, Iowa, Wyoming, Colorado, California, Utah, Missouri, Nevada, Maryland, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Massachusetts, and Rhode Island. I can’t remember if there were any others or not. Most of my travels have been for work, but some for pleasure. I also have been to Canada and Mexico. Woo hoo.

6. I was bitten by a six-foot black snake when I was 18 months old. And I can remember it as if it had happened yesterday. It happened in my grandparents’ front yard. I saw the snake, and thought it was a rope. I wondered about it a little bit, and then I went up and kicked it. The snake bit me on my right knee. I started screaming. My grandfather, who had been in the tub, came running out of his house wrapped in a towel. My mother came screaming from some other direction—armed with a hoe. The snake didn’t live another five minutes. Don’t mess with a child when its mother is nearby. Now, I kind of feel sorry for the snake. But, needless to say, the experience left me scared to death of snakes. One time, I completely froze in my tracks, I couldn’t move, because one of those little green garden snakes slithered across my path.

7. I prefer Diet Coke to Diet Pepsi any day of the week. I don’t think I have to say anything more than that.

8. I have had trouble sleeping ever since I was born. My mother told me that when I was baby, the only way I could go to sleep was to put my head under her arm. Now, I can’t sleep if I’m even slightly stimulated. But I love to dream. I have tried to remember my dreams over the years. I think that dreaming helps me make sense of my life. The book, Our Dreaming Mind, by Robert Van de Castle is one of my favorites.

And that’s it for my list. Nothing great. Now, I'm supposed to tag eight people. But I don't have any idea who to tag. Does it count if I don't tag anyone?

My Mistakes are My Mistakes, But Yours are Yours

It's taken me a while to write another post for my blog. I've been trying to figure out what I want to say. First, I'll say that I did make it back to the gym. My legs feel like I'm really going to be able to tell that I worked out this morning later. But the most important thing is that I did it.

Next, this is something I really want to say: I am more than willing to take ownership of my own mistakes. I will not, however, take ownership of yours. That's all I have to say about it.

I made a Facebook page. Check it out if you'd like. 

So I don't have much else to say today. 

You Traded in My Car? Seriously?

Last night dreamed that Al came back and traded in my car for another one that turned out to be a piece of junk. Apparently these people flew in from Washington, D.C. to buy my car, so there was no way I could get my car back. I was pissed.

"You sold my car?!" I screamed. "You sold my car?! And you sold me a piece of junk that you knew needed shocks?"

"I said it needed bearings," this little B says to me.

"Oh, so that makes all the difference?" I yelled.

I was pissed because my Toyota—even though it had more than 100,000 miles—was a far better car than the one I was now stuck with—some sort of old, gray Buick. Not only was I stuck with a car that I didn't want and wasn't mechanically sound, I had to make payments on it. WTF.

I went to the gym this morning. I'm trying to work back up to my 90-minute workouts. I'll get there. My leg is feeling remarkably better. Yea.

The diet is getting better. I still need to work on it. 

I'm going home for lunch and to spend time with my boys. 

Life is so weird. 

All Good Plans Get Sidetracked

I made it to the gym yesterday morning and the day seemed to be starting out well. But by 10 a.m. my stomach was cramping--bad. I was home in bed by noon. Even after I slept for a couple of hours, my stomach was still cramping. Then I got nauseated. I hadn't eaten anything, so I didn't have anything to throw up. I had bad cramps on the left side of my abdomen that felt like I was being stabbed. Today I still feel light-headed and a little nauseated. So I'm staying home.

I feel like such a loser. I have been sick, in one way or another, for more than a month. My job sucks. I have too many things to do around my house with no money and little help. Into that i brought a new puppy that's still trying to get acclimated to a schedule. I am stressed all of the time. So I am sick all of the time.

I used to work for this guy a long time ago who said, "My mother always told me, 'Cheer up. It could be worse.' And you know what? It got worse." Cheery words, eh?

So I'm working on getting back into the swing of things. It will take a little longer than I planned. But when did anything I plan work out on the first try anyway?

My Girls

I don't usually post pictures of my girls on the Web. I'm just not sure who's lurking out there. But this photo is just too cute. If you didn't know any better, you'd think they were angels.

Today I am Thankful

I am thankful for:
1. being alive
2. two beautiful dogs
3. good friends, old and new
4. a home
5. family, and
6. a job (just having a job in this economy).

That's my top six.

I Don't Work Error Free

A friend of mine said, "I don't work error free." And I add to that, "neither does anyone else."

I'm eager to get back to my routine. I love my pups more than anything, but I need something beyond four legs and a tail. The pups never disagree with me. They go along with anything I say. Thank goodness I have a friend who often says to me, "You know better than that." The gym awaits me.

When I watch the Biggest Loser, it is often disappointing to me. Not because of how tough the trainers are. Or how tough the diets are. I expect those things. It's the petty game playing. I couldn't live a bunch of people I would prefer to b@#*h slap than talk to. But people love a train wreck. I guess that's why the show is popular.

Next week, December 1, I'm getting serious again. I feel more ready now than I have in a while. I think I just truly needed a break. My body feels more healed. I'm still struggling with sinus things, but I'll be doing that for the rest of the winter. And I need the exercise. So do the dogs. Once I get going, they will, too.

Ok. I hear my dogs getting a little wild in the living room. So I'll be going for now. TTFN.

My Life is Waiting

OK. My latest resolution is to start all over again on December 1. The puppy is becoming acclimated to a schedule. I should be able to get back to my routine. Hell, I needed this break anyway--at least that's what I'm telling myself. I also have this week off from work--which is much needed. I haven't had a full week off since last year at this time. I hoping this is what I need anyway. Actually, I need some kind of motivation beyond what I currently have. Ugh.

I Am Everyday People

I don't know why, but this song has been stuck in my head for the last 24 hours--at least. I'll try to post again later. I'm planning on going to the gym sometime today. Enjoy.

Wasted Days and Wasted Nights--the Edited Version

I'm not sure where to start. This week has been a dilly to say the very least. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you'll know that my job is a source of much stress for me. Well, this week it lived up that and more. And the week ended with a real bang.

I am supposed to be the editor of a magazine. I say supposed to be because I have no real power--none. I spend time working out production schedules that really don't mean anything to anybody. In other words, a deadline means nothing. The magazine is always late. Always. I work at WVU. I have no power. I cannot emphasize that enough. Anyway, my time could be better spent writing grants to bring in new projects or other money. The time I spend writing a production schedule is simply wasted time. And my feeling lately is that the time I spend working on the magazine is wasted time as well. I'm sick of it. This week was no exception. I could go into great detail, but I'll refrain because I would have to name names, and there's no way to protect the innocent because there aren't any. The people I work with have no respect for me, and I have learned to hate my job.

I left work yesterday and had to stop at the supermarket to pick up a prescription. While I was inside, I wanted to buy a package of pumpkin cookies and eat all of them in the car. I didn't but the temptation was certainly there.

Last night I dreamed that I was staying in an apartment building where someone else who lived there wanted to kill me. Once again, I had a very detailed dream. The first time I realized someone wanted me dead, I noticed that after I had been out someone had tried to break into my apartment. I had covered my front door with this super strength stainless steel. That kept the intruder from totally breaking down the door. I did, however, notice that the would-be intruder used a lot of force to try to break in, leaving behind many dents, pry marks, and other assorted intruder evidence.

The dream was really much more detailed than I'll continue to describe. But it would take too much space. Later the determined assassin attempted to gain entry through a door that had been left unlocked. This door also was a very heavy steel door with at least two heavy duty power lock bolts that, when securely shut, would prevent any attacker from gaining entry. I had to hold the door with feet to keep him from walking right in and killing me. I eventually got the door closed, and the power locks engaged. Next he tried to gain entry at the front door again. But this time, a workman at the apartment building had drilled a hole through the front of the door that went straight into my apartment. Anyone could put a gun through it and kill me. I had to escape.

The next part of the dream involved elevators and my fear of getting on one and the being stuck on it with my assassin. But I managed to get other people to escort me.

Anyway I ended up outside. But now my assassin had put off a mustard bomb (chlorine) that was quickly filling the building. I held a rag over face to avoid breathing in the gas, but it was causing my eyes to water. I ran to the exit, but felt I couldn't leave the others behind and instructed people to exit through the doorway to safety. The gas was overcoming me, but I managed to escape. There was a little more to it, but those are the main highlights.

The main theme was that someone was tyring to kill me and was willing to go to any length to accomplish that goal. Also, in the dream I continue to try to save other people, even though they appear oblivious to the wolf at the door. I think it's my job and the people I work with.

How do I get God to answer my prayers? How do I get Him to help me find the motivation to either: (a)insist upon the job I want at my current job or (b) find something else that will be a good job in this economy that won't suddenly disappear in a short while leaving me in a lurch? Or how do I get Him to let me win the lottery? (Wouldn't that be nice?)

I cannot go on like this. Please God. Help me. I have no power, and I have absolutely no control.

How much has Caleb grown?

Still Sick

I dropped Chance off at the vet this morning to have his teeth cleaned. I hate leaving him there. He has gained six pounds. I don't know how with all the exercise he gets. I guess I'm feeding him more than I think. I can't believe he's gained that much in such a short time. I guess we all need to watch what we're eating.

I was tagged to write seven weird things about myself. I haven't come up with the list yet. I will later.

I'm still sick. And it sucks big time. When will I get better?

It's A Dog's Life

I came into work late today because I did not feel well this morning. My sinuses are killing me. (Why do people always various things are "killing them"? Imagine what that would look like if it were true.) I spilled a diet coke down the front of my shirt, now it looks like my right boob is leaking. I did not go to the gym today nor did I walk the dogs. It's raining and my head hurts.

Top Ten things I've learned since I got the new puppy:

1. It takes longer to house break a puppy than I would like.
2. No matter what you have in your hand, they think it's food.
3. Yes, dogs can be jealous of each other.
4. One dog will pretty much eat anything if it thinks the other dog is going to eat it—including broccoli.
5. Anything is a chew toy—my slippers, used tissues, unpaid bills. . . .
6. Life is better with dogs than without them.
7. They get excited—ecstatic—about going for a walk
8. Life is exciting for dogs—even the little things like a fallen leaf, a wooly worm, a pat on the head.
9. For dogs, nothing is better than a good nap.
10. And I have no doubt that dogs have the ability to feel love.

Maybe I should be more like my dogs.

Somewhere

I walked about 35 minutes with my boys during lunch. I wish I could get as excited as they do about going for a walk. Dog walking is keeping me active. I haven't been to the gym since Monday.

I still don't have a lot to say. I was thinking about Al's wedding ring. I lost it about this time of year three years ago. I wish it would turn up someplace. I keep thinking that it's here somewhere.

Walkin' the Dogs

I walked for about 35 minutes with my boys during lunch today. The best invention ever is the no-pull harness.

I'm really short on anything to say today.

Updated Baby Pictures

These are updated baby pictures. Check out the ears. Caleb eyes are two different colors. That's why the second photo looks a little odd. But he's beautiful. I now know his father was a full-bred white husky and his mother was a husky mix. Caleb was born on August 3, 2008, at about 7 to 7:05 a.m. He is the runt. But that only makes me love him even more. How could anyone resist that precious face?

20 Good Years

Finally, I made it back to the gym. I got in 45 minutes of cardio—20 minutes on the elliptical and 25 minutes on the treadmill. Ten of the treadmill minutes were walking backward. I read somewhere that walking backward is not only good for because it uses a different set of muscles, but it actually burns more calories. Let's hope that's true.

Yesterday's calories were about 900. I just don't feel like eating. Too bad it's not showing up on the scale.

I still feel a little icky, and I'd really like to get well once and for all.

Mostly I laid around over the weekend because I ended up with vertigo. I took some Mucinex and my ears started draining. That is the weirdest feeling. But it's taking away the vertigo. Vertigo is the worst feeling for me. If I died and were doomed to Hell for my bad deeds, my punishment would probably be suffering through all eternity with vertigo.

I want to learn how to play the piano. A friend of mine is helping me. I figure I've probably only got 20 good years, so I should make of the best of them. I'll let you know how that goes.

Lightening, Devils, and Yard Sales

I ordered Prevention's Flat Belly Diet. This will make the fourth different diet, err way of eating, that I've tried this year. I'm hope something works soon.

I just woke up from one of the most bizarre dreams I've ever had in my life--yeah I know. I say that every time I have a bizarre dream. And dreams are bizarre things. There's so much detail in my mind right now that I can't really narrow it down. But there was a storm and my house had severe leaks. A water heater in the basement had a surge protector on it, and it was a good thing since lightening was hitting house and ground around the house. A devil lived in the room with the water heater. I hated going in there. So I didn't.

Then I discovered many, many other rooms in the house. Most of them were under ground. Some contained children's clothes laid out as thought there were going to be some kind of yard sale. But I didn't and decided to donate everything to Christian Help. But there were other long hallways that lead to rooms that were partially outside--or lead to outside.

Some painters were just finishing a very unique paint job. I asked them how much they would charge to paint the main rooms of my house, and to my surprise they said only $200 but they couldn't do it until the end of January. I disappointedly said OK but but was happy they could give me such a deal considering the fine work they did. And they said they could have it done in only two days.

OK. The weirdest part was this guy who said he was a minister, but he was trying to arrange an affair with me. At first I was offended but then I thought about it. I never did agree to it. But I did think about it. He was supposed to be married to someone I knew, and he told me his name, and several other people repeated his name, but now I can't remember what it was.

The dogs were also involved and Caleb was playing inside the house's ventilation system. I was trying to get him out. Also, I was trying to make my bed.

And the details go on and on. So I'll try to figure this one out.

I am going back to the gym on Monday. I am not quitting.

Gotta Get Back to It

I'm still doing OK with the eating—but it's the exercise that I'm not getting. For one thing, I'm still sick and the thought of going to gym right now is more than I can bear. But I have to get back to it or I will undo all I've done. I haven't walked the boys in a while either. In fact Halloween was the last day I got any exercise. I got a lot of exercise that day, but I don't think it stores up.

Caleb is growing fast. I think he's going to be a big dog. He's rotten, too. But I love him.

I don't have a lot to talk about today. I need to rejoin life so I'll have something to say.

Celebration

I am excited and happy today. This is an historical event not just for the U.S. but for the world. Changes come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. I can't think of what I want to say. But this song came to mind yesterday. Enjoy.

Global view of US

Polls Crowded

Yesterday's calorie total was about 1500. But I did not exercise. Today's calories are OK so far. I walked to the polls--but that was only about a 10-minute walk each way. The polls were extremely crowded. I was surprised because I live in a rural neighborhood. But it's all good.

OK. I'm not going to post much today. I'm still under the weather.

Very short post

I have a cold so I don't have much to say today. I feel like hell.

I didn't have a lot of problems overeating yesterday because I didn't feel like eating. However, I don't feel like exercising either. So, I'm going to sleep today.

Tomorrow is election day. May the best man win. Vote Obama.

What else can I do?

I woke up yesterday with one of the worst stiff necks I've had in a while. I have to get up all through the night to let the puppy out, so I think that I'm sleeping with one eye open. And then I never get in a comfortable position and end up sleeping in some twisted, mangled mess. Anyway, I feel better today.

I don't have a calorie count for yesterday because I wasn't counting. Also, my weight is up by three pounds. I'm not sure what's up with that. For the past two days, I haven't cared. But I have to get back into it. At least I haven't gained a lot. I think it's mostly water retention. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, menopause sucks.

I made it to the gym today. I did 49 minutes on the treadmill—24 minutes walking backward and 25 minutes walking forward with 15 of those minutes doing gradual inclines all the way up to 15%. Then I stretched for 10 minutes. And to make it all worthwhile, I saw My Gym Hunk. Tomorrow, I have to get back to the weights. I don't want to lose the muscle I've gained. I wish the aerobics classes would start up again.

I don't feel defeated in the weight-loss department, but I don't feel like—why am I even trying? If I just maintain, I'll be happy. But I'll keep trying. I don't know what else to do.

Not much else to say today.

Post Script
Two A-Holes Go for a Walk
I took the boys for a 30-minute walk at lunch time. That gives me a total of 79 minutes of cardio activity for today.

Yes Indeed I'm Walkin'

I made it back to they gym today. I did 25 minutes walking backward on the treadmill—very awkward I'm telling you. And I did 20 minutes walking forward with 10 of those minutes doing various inclines all the way up to 15%. I stretched afterward, and I feel pretty good. Tomorrow, I'll get back to the weights.

I weighed myself yesterday, I'm not doing too well. In fact, I gained three pounds from the last time I weighed myself. I don't know if it will still be the same tomorrow, but this is very discouraging. I did not cheat. For the record, I've done better than I have for a long time. I've been taking the boys for long walks. We did three miles on the Rail Trail on Sunday. So I think that I'm not going to lose any more weight until I'm actually menopausal. There are just too many hormone fluctuations right now. But I'm not giving up. Maybe I can at least maintain.

I do not have calories for yesterday (because I was so discouraged I did not care what I ate.) Sunday's were 1750.

The pups doing great. They love walking. I don't have to go home today because my brother is at home with them.

Today marks three years since Al died.

I'm Still Walking Backward

I had 1555 calories yesterday, and I did 30 minutes of walking with the boys. Yes, I'm still walking backward, and it's still working. My legs are feeling better and better everyday. I cannot believe this is all it took. Who knew? Well, someone did or I wouldn't know it now.

Next week I've got to get back to my routine. I'll still be walking the boys during lunch. And I'll have that time to walk backward as well. I want to start walking backward on the treadmill for about 10 to 15 minutes of my workout. I know it sounds weird that I'm excited about walking backward. But if you knew how bad my right leg ached. . . .And all it took my working on strengthening my hamstring muscles.

Well, I'll try to post more pictures of my boys today.

Yesterday's Stats

Yesterday I had 1543 calories and I walked for one hour with the pups--occasionally walking backward.

More Later.

This Injury Will be the Death of Me

Yesterday, I had 1947 calories, way too many. I walked for 45 minutes with my boys. Today will be better.

After yesterday's walk, I realized my leg was, again, aching. I guess I'll have to go to a physical therapist, like it or not. I've not gone to gym all week in hope that it heals. I thought this would be a good time to recover since I'm trying to socialize the new puppy to my house. (He loves his big yard. And Chance is his hero.) But I guess I shouldn't have walked them so soon. But I really wanted to get them out, and I wanted to do a practice walk around the neighborhood to see how it would go.

Of course, it was a huge pain in the ass, requiring some real juggling skill. I had to switch leashes from hand to hand, sometimes in midair. I also had to be adept at securely holding one leash under my foot while untangling another leash from the legs of the other dog. It was quite a trip. I'm rethinking the whole retractable-leash thing. At moments, I felt like I was fishing--you know having to reel them in. So maybe two long leashes will workout better. Anyway. . . .

More later.

Post Script: I did some reading about hamstring injuries. It turns out that if your quadriceps are stronger than your hamstrings, you're more likely to experience hamstring strain. A remedy for this is retro walking a.k.a. walking backwards. It works. I went home for lunch and walked the boys. I walked backward up every hill we came to. I finally feel some relief in my hamstring. In fact, it's such a relief that it almost felt ticklish. Who knew?

Even More Chance and Caleb

Chance and Caleb

Chance and Caleb, October 21, 2008.

Yesterday's Stats

Yesterday I had 1535 calories but I didn't get any exercise in. The puppy comes today, so it should be an active day. I will post pictures of Chance and him later.

It's Too Late to Turn Back Now

As of tomorrow, I will be the proud adoptive parent of an adorable part husky puppy. His name will be Caleb. Chance is excited, although he's not really sure why. He's needed a baby brother for so long. I said I would never get another male dog--but never say never is how it goes.

I have needed something to look forward to for so long. And I need something to take care of. Chance is pretty independent. But he's so very lonely, and he has been for much of his life. I've always felt bad about that. He barks at other animals he sees, not because he's being aggressive but because he wants them to come play with him. I'm hoping that this will work out--and I think it will.

I'm excited. There's so much to do. I need to get Chance's puppy cage upstairs. I need to get Caleb a bed and some puppy stuff. I need to get a leash for him. Wow.

Another Dog? Should I?

Help me. I'm thinking of getting a puppy. He's adorable--part Husky with beautiful blue eyes. Chance needs company so bad. I always feel so sorry for him being an only child. But I have a lot of buts. . . .

I don't know if I can handle it. And what if they are up all night playing and I never get any sleep. The puppy is a barker and so is Chance. Am I just asking for trouble? Probably. Could I handle two dogs?

If I got him I would name him Caleb. It is theorized in the old Hebrew that Caleb means dog. I just learned that. So what do I do? Do I get another dog?

1,000 Whinny Excuses

This morning I managed to do 30 minutes of cardio on the treadmill. I did 20 minutes between 5% and 8% inclines and 10 minutes of gradual cooling down. I did 80 crunches and some stretching. I swear to God, I will get back to the weights on Monday. Yes, I have 1,000 whinny excuses for not doing them today. I have blisters on my hands and one on my little toe. My right hamstring still hurts. Shall I go on?

This weekend I'm planning on at least cleaning my house. I can't stand looking at it anymore. Who can live like this anyway?

My backyard looks like I never touched it. Yesterday's rain brought down more of the remaining leaves. This weekend we're going to get down into the 30s here. So that should bring down the rest of them. Looks like more raking next week.

I saw My Gym Hunk this morning. You know? There has to be a God if there's stuff like that walking around.

My diet is getting much better now that I have this wager with JD . It's funny—but when you add that competitive edge to something, it gives you more motivation. And I am sooo gonna kick his butt.

Finishing the Things I Start

I got the backyard raked last night. I have the blisters on my hands to prove it—and I even wore gloves. It didn't take me as long as I thought it would—75 minutes. It was still quite a workout. I can really feel it in my arms today. Wow. I'm glad I finished it last night. It's raining today. But finish things that I start is something I need to work on. So I forced myself to finish the task. I remember when I first started exercising, that was how I got through the workouts—forcing myself to finish them. Now I need to start thinking like that again.

Last night, I had almost all of the leaves raked into this huge pile that i was going push over into The Compost Corner. I was so tired from raking. I thought about finishing the job today. I thought about getting my brother to roll them over to the corner. Then I thought, this is just like you—getting almost to your goal and then giving up. All I had to do was roll them over into the corner. Another 10 minutes of work after more than an hour. And I was ready to quit. But I made myself finish the task. Today I feel like I'm a better person for it.

At the gym this morning, I did 45 minutes of cardio on the treadmill—15 minutes at 5% incline, 15 minutes at 8%, and then 15 minutes of gradually lowering the treadmill to 0% incline. I still have not taken on the weights again. I will tomorrow. I can't let JD beat me in our bet. Never, I tell ya. Never.

I'm really working on the diet. Last night was easy. I had something to keep me occupied. But if I stick to my resolution to work on my house for one hour a day, I should be able to keep my eating under control.

OK. Not much else to say today.

Tree Hugger

I woke up this morning with a raging headache—I haven't had my allergy medication for several days and it's showing. I stopped and got my prescription before I came to work, so I should be feeling better soon.

I'm going to rake leaves tonight, which according to sparkpeople.com, should burn close to 600 for 90 minutes of raking. And it will take me at least that long. I have a giant Poplar tree in my backyard, and it's shedding—everywhere. I usually only rake the yard a couple times because this tree loses so many leaves, I would have to rake every day if I wanted the yard leaf free. The leaves will literally get ankle deep if I don't rake at some point. But I love this tree in the spring and summer. It provides a lot shade for my yard. And it's the tree we hung the swing in for the girls. My neighbor would love it if I cut it down. But I can't. It's perfectly healthy, so I don't intend to cut it down. And it must be old. I can't get my arms around its trunk. It's huge.


Not much else is happening. I lead a fairly boring life. I talk to friends on the phone from time to time, but the only place I go is the gym. I kind of like it this way. But I do need something to occupy my time a little more, so I don't eat everything in sight. I'm thinking of volunteering somewhere—where I don't know.

I hope to have something else to talk about one of these days.

In a Public Place

Made it the gym today. i did the 15% incline workout again. It got through 35 minutes of walking at various inclines that ended up at 15%. It's a tough workout, but I feel like I've done something. It was hard to talk myself into completing 30 minutes. I kept saying to myself, if you finish this, you can finish anything, I've been known for starting things that I never finish—or it takes me forever to complete it. So I feel like I accomplished something. I've got to get back to the weights tomorrow. I'm still going to baby my leg though.

Tomorrow I also begin a new resolution to keep track of what I'm eating and how much I exercise. I think I'm also going to include working on my house for at least one hour per day. I can't stand it anymore. It needs a good cleaning first—then I can finish the projects I started a year ago. Yes, I said a year ago. Isn't that sad?

So my goals are:
30 to 45 minutes of cardio five days per week
30 minutes of strength training two days per week
no more than 1800 calories per day, but at least 1200
one hour of working on my house per day

Weight loss will be a bonus.

I'm up six pounds from my lowest weight—meaning I now weigh 201. That was a number I never wanted to see again. But it keeps chasing me. I hope I can eventually out run it.

So I'm making my new resolution public.

It's Moments Like These

After a weekend with my girls, I'm exhausted. I took the morning off so I could sleep in--I have a huge amount of vacation time that I need to take before I lose it. I just don't take that much vacation time anymore. There's nothing to do when there's no one to enjoy it with you. So I slept in. I actually slept for 12 hours. After two nights of little girls tossing and turning and throwing their legs over me, I need a good nights sleep.

If there's one good thing in my life about being a widow it's that I love sleeping alone. I can sprawl out on the bed. I can sleep in direction I wish to. It's Heaven. But I would trade it if I could have my buddy back.

Anyway, since I slept in, that means I didn't go to the gym. But I will tomorrow. I also will begin a new eating plan. I'm going to get back into Sparkpeople.com. I haven't kept up with it in a long while. It really did help me keep the eating under control. I want to keep a journal that I can write in through out the day as well. I need a smaller notebook for that. I'm constantly starting journals that I write in for a little while then don't keep up with. There are these little half-started journals everywhere in my house, my purse, and who know where else. Sometimes I think about what will happen when I die, and my family runs across them. Oh well. I couldn't possibly find them all. So, I guess the cat will be out of the bag then, won't it? But what will I care? I'll be dead.

Honest to God, my neighbor put up his Christmas decorations yesterday. Seriously.

Having my girls here over the weekend was great. Oh we had our moments--like yesterday when they started fighting over a wagon--like one of those little red wagons but it's plastic. I couldn't take it anymore, and they both went to time out. But there are funny moments, too. Like when The Little One got hurt--not that that's funny--and I asked,"Show me where you got hurt?" And she pointed to the edge of the patio and said, "Over there." Of course I meant where on her little body did she get hurt. I laughed until I cried. She ended up laughing, too.

The Little One has figured out that if she cries, I'll pick her up and hold her. At first she had me buffaloed. But I've caught on to her scram now.

Anyway, I don't pay a lot of attention to what I was eating while they were here. Although I was getting a lot more exercise--I don't think it was enough to X out all of the extra calories.

OK. I'm going to relax a little more, and then get ready for work.

PreProgrammed To Workout

I did the preprogrammed workout again today. This time I made through 20 minutes of walking at 3.2 mph at a 15% incline. Wow. I'm glad it's Friday.

I seem to be making more friends at the gym. Of course, it may be because I've taken the time to stop and talk to people. I'm not a snob. I'm just introspective.

I have my girls all weekend. I'm picking them up from school tonight, and then they'll be with me until Sunday. I'm really looking forward to seeing them—as long as they don't dig any more holes in my backyard.

The stock market is continuing to tank. This is a major economic threat. You know. When the hijackers flew those planes into the World Trade Center—our financial center—this is exactly what they intended. As a country we're so naive that we think if we're bigger and stronger than everyone else, we'll always come out on top. But maybe rather than being the biggest bully, we could use some brains. For the most part, since 9/11, the stock market has been on a downward spiral. They don't have to beat us through military actions. They can just hit us in the pocketbook. The Surge is a fairy tale. This isn't a war on terrorism. It's an economic war. And we aren't winning. They are. Wake up people.

OK. That was my political soapbox for today. It's just something I had to say. And you thought this was a weight loss journal. I should change the name, huh?

OK. Next Wednesday I'm entering into a "get healthy and fit" contract with JD

Life Has Its Twists and Turns

Let's see. It's another day in the life of Kathy J. What's going on with me? I took the morning off. This time of year is really bad for me. Another anniversary of Al's death is fast approaching. The season is changing. It's dark a lot longer and a lot earlier. Crying seems like the best way to pass a day.

Went to lunch yesterday with good friends. It's nice to known people who can make you laugh. And what a group of misfits we are. But it's OK--we have each other.

Life is so weird. I try to figure out everyday why I'm still here. It doesn't make any sense. Yesterday, when I was on the treadmill, I kept getting a pain in the upper left portion of my chest. I thought, "Maybe I'm having a heart attack." But then I realized it was muscular--from holding onto the bar so I wouldn't go flying across the gym. A 15% grade is pretty darn steep. I think my heart has probably gotten fairly strong over the last year anyway. I can hear it going boom. boom, boom sometimes.

I'm still working on my fear of abandonment. Seeing people I hadn't seen in long time yesterday helped, but I still have trouble letting people get close. I don't want to get hurt. And I know I will. I can pour my heart out on this public forum, and people from all over the world comment on my posts. But when it comes to being in the company of another warm-blooded human being, I can't talk about anything because I will breakdown. I think if I make a really good friend, he or she will just end up disappearing out of my life and I will be left hanging again--no explanation just no more contact.

Anyway....

How Long Can You Tread a 15% Grade?

I tried one of the workout that's pre-programmed into one of the treadmills at the gym—and my God, I had no idea it would be this intense. After about five minutes at 5% grade, it moves up to a 13% grade for maybe five minutes, and then it goes to a 15% grade—which I walked for the next 11 minutes. I couldn't take it anymore, so I had to stop it. But I did manage to do 18 more at a 0% grade for a total of 40 minutes. But, WOW. It's been a while since I got that sweaty. But it felt good.

I did not want to get up this morning. I finally rolled out of bed at 6 a.m. I never get up that late. It's the whole change of seasons. This time of year, I get depressed. I can't wait for the weekend. I have the girls for three days. I'm sure we'll have our moments, but I love having them around—as long as they don't dig another hole in my backyard. (What's an environmentally friendly way to get rid of grubs? That also won't hurt my dog?)

I'm going to buy a personal training session at the end of the month. What the hell? I need something to take up my Tuesdays and Thursdays. I think Ginger (my trainer) can help me out.

I'm short on words today. But considering the economy, I'll leave you with this:

Don't Leave Me This Way

Today I managed to do 40 minutes of cardio. And I also continued with the stretching. My leg tends to tighten up if I try to do much. I'm still avoiding the weights for now. I have been doing some upper body work.

I'm working hard to overcome some issues I have. After Al died the way he did—suddenly and unexpectedly—I've developed a fear of abandonment—I'm afraid that everyone I care about will either die or just leave me. Let me try to explain. I feel like I've been deserted. Every plan that I had for the future died when Al did. Most times, I'm in a depressed funk. When my little nieces spend the night with me, I'm afraid that they will die in the middle of the night, and when I wake up I'll find their cold little bodies. I'm afraid everyone of the relationships I have, including my friends, will leave me. I get angry with people for no good reason other than I think they want to leave me. (It's the whole self-fulfilling prophecy.) It's sick. I know it is.

The real reason I don't want to get involved in another relationship is: I'm afraid "it" will just happen again. And I could never go through that again. I can't put my heart out there to be broken like that. It's an awful place to be—all alone with the world crashing in around you. Losing a spouse is a feeling like no other—it's like you've literally been cut in half and you're hemorrhaging. It's not like getting divorced because the bastard is still alive for you to curse. But when he dies, he's not there anymore, anywhere. How can you curse someone who isn't there?

Now I'm in this weird place that I don't want to be. But I'm not in denial about it. I know that I have lots of issues. And I'm trying to work to get past them. But it's going to take some time.

I'll Be Back

I'm not sure where to start so I'll just jump right in. Last night I dreamed I died. The dream was vivid and realistic—not that I think I'm going to die because of this dream. OK?

The dream started with someone ringing my front door bell. I should've known something was up when it went, "Ding, dong." My front door bell has only gone, "Ding," since I moved in. It has never followed up with a "Dong." (That could go in a completely different direction, couldn't it?) Anyway, I don't remember answering the door, but I ended up running for my life. People, I'm unsure of who these people were, were chasing me. And they wanted me dead. I wound up running down this long tunnel (please don't get Freudian on me). I came out in a desolate area. There were roads going in many different directions. Then, this voice from no where—something like a movie over—announced that a blob from outer space had invaded Earth. The voice said, "There is no escape."

Then I saw the blob closing in on me. There were other people around, but I don't know who they were. I think they were also trying to get away from death. I decided to try to run away anyway, but the blob was now everywhere. I couldn't see a way out. It was coming from every direction—kind of oozing its way along. It was filling up every path and I kind of spun around—looking in every direction but there was, in fact, no way out. Soon, I gave up and decided to meet with my fate. The blob oozed up around my feet. Soon it had engulfed my feet and legs. Then it pulled me under.

The sensation of dying was actually not so bad—it was gradual like fading away. First, I felt like I was losing consciousness—but I still had self awareness. Slowly, I began to lose sight as I was sucked deeper into the blob. Then everything went white—it was like a foggy, bright white light. I thought I would disintegrate. But I didn't—not completely. I thought I would become a part of the blob, and I would lose everything about myself. But I didn't. I still had a self-awareness, despite being dead. Being dead was actually a warm, comforting place to be. Then I noticed that there were other people around me. A man beside me told me not worry. One day, we would all be freed from this place we were being held, and then we would come back.

Unfortunately, I don't know if we came back or not, because this is where I woke up.

This is one of the strangest dreams I've ever had. The themes of it were death and renewal, I'm pretty sure. In the dream, I died. And somehow, I will be renewed. I'm not sure how, but I think I'm coming to terms with something.

I Won't Do It, OK. Maybe A Little

Finally, finally, finally, my leg is starting to feel better. It's even more flexible. I hope that by the end of next week, I can resume my more intensive workout. I will keep up the stretching. I've figured out that that's important.

I've still gotta work on the diet. I can't keep pretending it's not important. The good news is that I'm clearly not the over eater I once was.

As for the vice presidential debate: If the winner is the one who had the lowest expectation rating among her own party, and who side-stepped direct questions with vague non-sequester responses about Alaska, hockey moms, Joe Sixpacks, and energy, then Palin is the clear winner. But if you're measuring experience and knowledge, then you gotta give it to Biden. By the way, I, too, can say Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. I learned how to say his name from watching Letterman. (How many times did she say Ahmadinejad?) I also know who the "Dear Leader" of North Korea is from watching Letterman. You know Kim Jong Il and his brother Men Tali Il. Anyway, I digress. OK. I won't get political.

It's Friday. Yea. Am I looking forward to the weekend? You betcha.(Sorry. i couldn't resist.)

Quick and Dirty

I had a tooth repaired today. My mouth is still numb. I think I'm done with the dentist until February and my next cleaning. Yea.

My leg still hurts, but I can stretch it out a little more now. Saw my crush this morning. I have a hard time looking right at him now, because I think he's going to figure out I have a crush on him. And I would be embarrassed beyond any embarrassment I have ever felt in life to this point. I would probably sink right into the floor—never to be seen again.

I wish I could afford a full-time personal trainer—not having the aerobics class anymore makes so hard to figure out what to do everyday.

My mouth is still numb. It's driving me crazy.

The vice-presidential debate is tonight. This should be a hoot. Palin will be rambling on and on, and God knows what's going to come out of Biden's mouth. Should make for some interesting TV though.

I don't have much else to say at the time.

I Don't Feel Any Different

Well, I'm gonna do it. I'm joining AARP. What the hell. I've been alive for half a century. I deserve a little something for it.

That's a change that I'm gonna make—understanding that I do deserve something out of life. I don't think I've felt like I really deserve anything for a long time. I used to be able to go out and get the things I wanted. Now, I'm lucky if I even leave the house. I guess part of this weird, philosophical thing I'm going through has to do with turning 50. I'm reevaluating everything—including why I've been an overeater most of my life. A long time ago. the consequences weren't that bad. But boy has that changed.

I'm back at work today. I wish I had taken the entire week off—I am elderly now, you know. I could've stayed at home and yelled at the neighborhood kids to "get out of my yard." You know what, though? Inside, I feel like the person I have always been. I don't feel 50. I don't even know what 50 is supposed to feel like. Anyway, I don't feel old.

I'm kinda blank about anything else to say. So. . . .

A Long, Long Time Ago, I Can Still Remember

I have a style. It's very causal. I prefer sneakers over any other kind of shoe. I always look like I'm ready to go to the gym. That's how I am comfortable.

I like the colors red, white, black, yellow, green, and pink--in that order. I love collies--I love dogs. I'm not much of cat person.

I give way more than I can really afford--but I don't care. You can't take it with you.

When I make a friend, I keep him or her for a long time. I've known my oldest friend for 42 years. I've worked in the same job for more than 16 years. I've had the same car for more than eight years. I am a creature of habit. It's not easy for me to let go of people I consider my friends. I probably think about them even if I don't see them or talk to them anymore. And I probably miss them.

Here's another big reality: I am afraid. It's been a hard thing for me to admit. I am lonely. But I don't want to get mixed up in another relationship. I miss the people who were once in my life. I miss Al deeply. I can't believe another year has gone by since he died. At the end of October, it will be three years. And I still can't believe that I'm still alive, despite Al being gone. I am not suicidal. If you ever lose your spouse, you'll find that this is a common feeling--it's normal.

I'm writing all of this down because I think if I "get it out," it will help me with whatever it is that's making me eat constantly, and still not be full. Most of the time, even if I am smiling, I feel lost and empty inside. I am prone to emotional outbursts. And I have a dreaded fear that people will just "up and leave me." Sometimes they do. And I think the worst--that people hate me. Sometimes they do.

So I've had five days off. Tomorrow, I go back to same job I've had for more than 16years. I feel somewhat anxious about it. I don't want to go. But someone has to pay the bills.

Birthdays, Hamstrings, and Black Holes

I am now officially 50 years old. I don't feel a day over 102. I spent my birthday with my girls. They are, as always, a hoot. The day was good.

My leg is still stiff and sore. Sometimes I think it's getting better, then in the next breath it starts hurting again. I think I'm just going to have to rest it for a while whether I like it or not. I haven't been to the gym in four days now. But I've read that it could take two weeks. I guess I could still do upper body exercises in the mean time. My leg is swollen now, too. So I guess I've not really taken very good care of it. I better take care of it now, or it will just get worse later.

I watched a program about black holes on NOVA over the weekend. A black hole has so much energy that it can suck anything that gets too close it into its core. I've known people like that--you know, it's the "it's all about me" syndrome. You spend so much time tending to their needs that yours are completely forgotten. And these people usually don't realize that they are the root of their own problems. Anyway. . . .

Scientists now believe that every galaxy has a black hole which may be the energy from which the galaxy began--remnants of a big bang. A big bang is believed to be the implosion of a gigantic star. Anyway, most of the science is completely over my head, but I have general understanding of what they believe has occurred. So why am I bringing this up? Because I have a question. If the universe is finite, what does it make up? But if it infinite, what does that mean? In other words, does it come to some sort of boundary? Or not?

OK.

Well, I do have some errands to run today. And I am 50 now, so it will take me longer than it used to. And that's supposed to be a joke.

Hey Mom. How About Making Some Ice Cream?

OK. PETA wants Ben & Jerry's to make their ice cream out of mother's milk. How many lactating women do think will line up to be milked for that little project?

Anyway, I'm off for the next five days. And I'm going to relax and enjoy it. My 50th birthday is Sunday. As I have said before, I never thought I'd live to see this day. But I guess it ain't actually here yet, is it?

I'm not going to the gym today. I have my bum leg wrapped, and I'm going to rest it until Monday. I may do some yoga at home. I probably should do some yoga. But "rest" is the key word.

I need to have my car's safety inspection renewed. I'm not sure if I'll get around to that today or not. I wish I hadn't put it off until the end of the month. It's going to be hard to find a place that's not too busy to help me. But I got my driver's license ahead of time. So I guess I'm not totally pathetic.

I might have the girls on Sunday--that'll be a nice way to celebrate being 50. I still cannot believe that it's really here. Wow. I have been alive for 50 years. Remarkable. Half a century.

Anyway, I'm going to enjoy lying around and doing nothing today. So later. . . .

How Can I Stop Eating So Much?

I didn't post anything yesterday because I was too busy. Sorry.

I just read a letter I wrote to Al a while ago. It's still hard for me to believe that he's gone. In about five weeks, he will have been dead for three years. It feels like it all happened yesterday. It's all very vivid. And I still cry over him.

I've slowed way down at the gym, and I gotta tell ya. I'm feeling better—not so tired. My leg still hurts, but the stretching is helping.

The diet still sucks, and I think I've probably gained a few pounds—at least that's how it feels. I wish I could sit here and say that I've been eating right. But I can't. Last night, it was all I could do to keep from heating up some french fires that I bought for the girls over the weekend. I didn't do it. But I came very close. I don't know how to get my motivation back. I don't know what it will take.

Well, today promises to be another busy day.

Help. I'm Gonna be 50

OK. I decided maybe I'll stick with my gym. I'd miss seeing my crush if I left—not that anything would ever come of it. But he sure is nice to look at. What's the English equivalent for gggaaahhhh with drool running down my chin?

I wrapped my leg and it seems to help. I'm doing a lot of stretching as well. I only did 30 minutes of cardio this morning followed with the stretching.

The eating is still not where it should be.

Work sucks.

Life is boring.

I'm going to be 50 on Sunday.

I'm old.

I'm tired.

I don't know what I should be doing.

OK. I gotta go to work.

I Can See Stars

Several months ago, I was going to try a diet called Kimkins—I never got around to actually trying it. And thank goodness. I found out that the creator of Kimkins is a fake. She's an obese woman who never lost any weight. She was, however, making top dollar to promote her diet. The diet it turns out is a close-to-starvation diet that could be very dangerous health wise. Look up the information about this diet before you try it. It is not, I repeat, not a good idea.

So today is the first day of fall. It feels like fall. I like early fall weather. But I hate it when it starts getting cold. I'm not a fan of winter.

My hamstring injury still has me somewhat incapacitated. I'm not sure how to treat it. I'm taking ibuprofen. I'm not working it nearly as hard. In fact, it hurts too much to work it any harder than I am. I passed by the weights today so I wouldn't strain it any further. May be I should wrap it.

This weekend, my dog hit me in the eye. How, you ask, could a dog hit someone in the eye? Well, it was pretty easy as it turns out. I kept trying to get my niece not to play in the bottom of the yard because that's Chance's potty. So, of course, she didn't listen to me—and she stepped in poop. So I was leaning down trying to wipe the poop off of her shoe, when Chance came running at us—I wasn't looking but I could hear him coming. He plowed his way between us and, pow, he slammed his big, long nose right into my eye. Well, not right into my eye. It was more slightly above my eye, but that's not the point. When he hit me, stars flashed before me. I grabbed my head, and I couldn't see for minute. I was quite a wallop. And I have this big knot over my left eye.

Lately I have been hit in head four times. Why? Is the universe trying to give me a concussion?

The diet still isn't going all that well. I don't know. I'm trying to fill a void, I guess.

Well, it's off to the salt mines.

Talk Like a Pirate

September 19 is officially Talk Like a Pirate Day. It's September 19 every year. So if ye ain't talkin' like a pirate, ye should.

So it appears that yet another trainer was fired at my gym. And he, too, was one of my favorites. But it was his own fault. He kept over sleeping and missed training some folks that had paid a fairly hefty price for a personal trainer. Still, I'm gonna miss him.

The girls are coming again this Saturday. I can't believe their mother trusts me with them again—I mean after The Monkey Attack and all. And the girls are excited to be coming. The weather is supposed to be nice, so at least they will be able to play outside.

I did 45 minutes on an elliptical this morning. And then I did like 50 sit ups and I stretched. Next week I'll get back into doing the intervals again. I'm hoping that they will start the aerobics class back up next month. If not, there really isn't much reason for me to stay with this particular gym. I'm used to going there and all, but none of the trainers I started with are there anymore. The nutritionist is, well, let's just say she needs some experience. And the whole thing just isn't what it used to be. I miss the aerobics instructor. I consider her a friend. I have nothing to look forward to when I get there in the morning. So why not go someplace closer to my job? I mean really.

I'm getting kind of tired of writing this blog, too. I'd rather start another one and not use my real name so I can talk about things that really bother me—and I don't have to worry about pissing anybody off. I keep saying I'm going to do that, but I haven't. So will I ever? Who knows for sure.

I will be 50 years old in nine days. It makes me appreciate old folks more—now that I am one.

I think that's it for today.

How do I get past a set point?

Well, I actually left the house today. So I guess that's one success. I went to the gym, I did 35 minutes on an elliptical and then I did some sit ups and used a medicine ball for a while. I am so bored with trying to figure out what to do by myself. And I have a hamstring injury. No I'm not going to quit. I've come too far for that. I just need to figure out how to get past a set point.

I've been at the same weight for a really long time now. I don't know how to get past it. I keep thinking there must be some secret out there that I don't know about. I guess I'll have to increase my exercise intensity and cut out eating too much. I know I'm eating way too much. I guess the first step is in admitting it. Fortunately I'm not eating a bunch of crap. I am overeating things that are good for me. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

My right index finger has a big bump in the first knuckle. I think it's related to arthritis, but it might be a bone spur. All I know is that I've wanted to take a hammer and smash it. I know that would only make things worse—but man sometimes it bugs me.

Not much else is going on. So until tomorrow. . . .

P.S. Has anyone heard of the Shangri La Diet?

Obsession

I just finished eating apple slices with way too much peanut butter on them. I am mentally exhausted. And I think I'm becoming agoraphobic. That's the phobia where you don't want to leave your house, isn't it? I need to go buy dog food, but I'm so very tired. And the thought of "going out there" is making me cringe.

I've worn myself ragged worrying about things that I can't do anything about. But that's what I do. I cannot be responsible for what someone else does or doesn't do. Some people are just not very trustworthy. That's the long and short of it, as my dear departed mother used to say. But I worry nonetheless. Actually I obsess.

I've taken the past couple of weeks to reevaluate myself. And I've come to some conclusions about me. I'm obessive compulsive--meaning I compulsively do things and then obsess about them. I've been obsessing about at least two things for this entire month, and now I'm physically sick. I have a headache. My stomach is churning. My neck is stiff. And you know what? My obsessing hasn't helped either thing.

The Monkey Attack

Where do I begin? The past weekend was, well, I'm not quite sure. It started going wrong Friday evening. I stopped by the grocery store, and when I went to get back in my car, I hit my head so hard on the door frame that it left a bump. OK. I should've just gone home and got into bed and stayed there, but I didn't. Saturday I was watching the two little nieces. My brother and I decided to take them to this little zoo in a rural area close to here. And it should've been just fine. But. . . . .

The Oldest One wanted to feed some monkeys and went rushing up to the cage. One of the monkeys reached through the bars and grabbed her by the hair. I start screaming, "Oh my God." And yelling her name. My brother runs up and pries the monkey's hands from her hair, scoops her up, and brings her back to safety. (I'm obviously no good in a real moment of panic.) I start looking her over to make sure there's no real damage. She appeared to be OK—just missing a little hair. Within 10 minutes, though, she had recovered and wanted to go see the rest of the animals. I'm not sure I would be OK yet. This incident will hereafter be known as The Monkey Attack.

Once we left the zoo, we decided to go shopping. The Mall was OK, but The Little One was beginning to run a fever. So we went to get some medicine for her. I wanted to go ahead and give her a dose, so I was going to sit down in the front seat of the car with her. I had her in my arms, and I started to sit down when I slammed my head into the door frame of car again. But this time my head was knocked forward and I smashed my nose into The Little One's chin. Now she's got a boo boo on her chin, and I've got boo boos on the back and front of my head. I should've realized The Monkey Attack was an omen. We finally made it home at about 9:30 p.m. and just went to bed.

How often can you say a monkey attacked you? Not often, I don't think.

So my weekend consisted of slamming my head into car-door frames and witnessing monkey attacks. Through this, I managed to be at least somewhat careful about what I ate. And all of the walking did me good, too.

Say Cheese

My dog was sick for a couple of days. I had to put flea stuff on him, and every time, it makes him sick. I got up yesterday morning, and he'd crapped all over the house. Nice. I figured, there's no way this day is going to get any better, so I took the day off. 

I'm getting really bored at the gym with the lack of variety. If they don't get an aerobics class back in the morning soon, I will have to find another gym. WVU's Rec Center is right over the hill from my office. It would be more convenient. And they have classes in the morning. 

I have arthritis in the knuckle of my index finger on my right hand. And it hurts. 

I had to get my driver's license renewed. Why do they always wait until you have the goofiest expression on your face to take the photo? Now, I have to carry this God awful thing around with me for five years. It's like, "Look at the camera." Click. "Next."

And I'm like, "Hey, I wasn't ready." But it's too late. The license is already spitting out of the machine. 

One thing I figured out, though. If you go to the DMV in the middle of the month rather than waiting until the end of the month, it goes a lot faster. 

OK my finger is really hurting today. So that's all folks.

The Amish Got It Goin' On

I got on The Scale this morning, and it turned out it wasn't so bad--I mean for someone who has been paying little attention to what she's eating. The Scale has a tendency to rule the way I feel the day I weigh myself. If The Scale says something good about me, I'm fine. But if The Scale says something bad, my day is ruined.

What's that? The Scale is an inanimate object that couldn't possible say things about me. You lie. The Scale says things about me all of time. The Scale calls me a fat pig with no control. Yes, it does.

OK. OK. So it's really me who says those about me. But it still doesn't mean that The Scale isn't involved in some kind of conspiracy against me, and Oliver Stone is just waiting for the movie rights.

My horoscope this month says that one of friends might disappoint me and this disappointment might lead to a parting of the ways. I thought, "Yeah sure." Who would disappoint me? If I had waited a couple of days, I would've known. There she goes being vague and cryptic again.

According to a new study done on Amish people--that's right I said Amish people--it's possible to beat the fat gene by being moderately active for three to four hours a day. I'm already moderately active for at least an hour, and it wears me out. And Amish people work all day long.

I once had a job cleaning hotel rooms during the summer before I started college. I could eat virtually anything I wanted because I was exercising eight hours a day. But I am no where near that kind a shape now. I guess I could work up to it. But the thought. . . .

It Was a Dark and Stormy Night

This morning I got the bright Idea to take some hot tea along with me. I didn't have one of those thermal cups so I decided to use a water bottle—the kind that you turn upside down to drink out of. Well, I ended up getting a face full of hot tea and I snorked part of it up my nose. Nice.

It's harder to get up in the morning. It's dark. And today it was storming. The perfect day to stay in bed. I thought about it for an extra 15 minutes, but finally got up and went to the gym. Apparently others were thinking the same way because there was virtually no one there—that made finding a machine to workout on fairly easy. I did 30 minutes on the treadmill and 25 minutes on the elliptical. It's hard exercising alone. It gets boring. Ce'st la vie.

Today should be about as boring as it can get, so maybe I'll write more later.

Alone Again Naturally

by Gilbert O'Sullivan



In a little while from now,
If I'm not feeling any less sour.
I promised myself, to treat myself,
And visit a nearby tower ..........
And climbing to the top,
Would throw myself off,
In an effort to, make clear to whoever,
What it's like when you're shattered .......
Left standing in the lurch,
At a church where people are saying .....
My God, that's tough, she stood him up,
No point in us remaining .......
We may as well go home,
As I did on my own,
Alone again, naturally.

To think that only yesterday,
I was cheerful, bright and gay.
Looking forward to, and who wouldn’t do,
The role I was about to play.
But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around,
And without so much as a mere touch,
Cut me into little pieces.
Leaving me to doubt, all about God and His mercy,
Oh, if He really does exist,
Why did He desert me?
And in my hour of need,
I truely am, indeed,
Alone again, naturally.

It seems to me that there are more hearts,
Broken in the world that can’t be mended,
Left unattended, what do we do?
What do we do?

Now looking back over the years,
And whatever else that appears.
I remember I cried when my father died,
Never wishing to hide the tears.
At sixty-five years old,
My mother, God rest her soul,
Couldn’t understand why the only man,
She had ever loved had been taken.
Leaving her to start, with a heart so badly broken,
Despite encouragement from me,
No words were ever spoken.
And when she passed away,
I cried and cried all day,
Alone again, naturally.

AARP Wants Me

Well, it's official. I'm old. I got a letter from AARP in the mail yesterday letting me know that I could join for a mere $12.95 and enjoy all of the benefits of membership. What a wonderful time to be 50. I wonder if Madonna and Michael Jackson got letters, too?

My stomach feels sick because I ate two pieces of zucchini bread and a very large brownie. I feel like I'm going to hurl. Gak. I undid all of my hard work from this morning. Spending an hour and a half exercising doesn't make sense if I'm going to blow it eating crap. 

I was talking to another girl at the gym today who has also plateaued. She said the weight just won't budge.  I don't know if she also ate two pieces of zucchini bread and a very large brownie today, though. But reality is that it isn't just today. 

I look at myself, and I look much better. I'm still toning up. Today I had a huge amount of energy—which I've kind of put the kibosh on with my eating. Now I feel like going to sleep. I still have a bulging midsection, though. And that bothers me more than anything else. I'd like to have the aerobics class back. We were doing a lot of sit ups in there. And it was helping. Maybe if we do get it back, the increased intensity of the exercise will help. Maybe sooner or later, something will help. 

Being stuck for so long has made me not care what I put in my mouth at times. I still go for the healthier choices (hey, isn't that a brand name?). But sometimes I falter—like today. So that's where I stand. 

The weekend is here. And that's a good thing. I'm ready to relax. 

Comedy and Shenanigans

I'm really tired this morning. I was out late last night at a comedy show. So it's gonna be a long day.

I got up late this morning so I only worked out for about 45 minutes and did some stretching. I did get to fill out an evaluation about the gym today. I said I want the 6:15 a.m. aerobics to resume. But who knows. 

I have to go to court with my niece this morning. Even though her ex is going to jail soon, he still finds time to harass her. So she's trying to get a restraining order. God, I am so sick of this. I have been to court in three different states because of his shenanigans. Enough is enough. 

So this day will be something—what I'm not sure. I'm just sick of it. 

I'm Expecting Something

Last night I dreamed I was pregnant again. I've had this dream a couple of times now. It's kind of weird. I couldn't believe I was pregnant. I keep thinking, "How can this be? I'm 50 years old. How can I get pregnant when I'm menopausal?" 

Then this guy comes up to me and says, "Is it sore around your belly button?"

I say, "Yes."

He says, "Then you're pregnant." 

OK. I begin to accept that I'm pregnant—even if the pregnancy test is a little odd. So what is it that I'm expecting? Something that I thought was an impossibility. At first it's kind of scary, but then I accept that it's real. I'm going to give birth. To what? That may sound like an odd question, but I have no idea what it is that I'm currently incubating. What's growing inside me? What I'm sure of is that I don't know.

 

Today I'm really hungry. It's going to  be hard to contain my appetite. I guess that goes along with being pregnant. At least I have an excuse. I'm kidding, of course.

The long weekend was welcome. I could use a few more. Tonight I'm going to a comedy show. Ralphie May is coming to Morgantown. This should be fun. 

I hit the gym again this morning. I did the intensive interval workout. Today it was hard after the long break. But I managed it get through it. 

And tomorrow will be another day.

Getting My Mojo Back

Prior to the switch in my thyroid medication, my temperature always ranged around 97. Well, last night I took my temperature, and it was 98.5, That's the highest it's been in years. Before, I always felt cold. Now, for the first time in years, I feel warm. I feel like I'm getting it together, too. And all it took was a little more T-3. So many people are different when it comes to the care of whatever ailment they might have. If we were all the same, we would all look alike. And wouldn't that be scary?

I overslept this morning—I'm sleeping better, too—so I didn't get to do the intensive interval workout. But that's OK. I'll get back to it Tuesday—Monday is a holiday. But on a sad note, there's still no aerobics class for September. This is very disturbing. If this keeps up, I'll just go to the university's Rec Center—as it's known. The price is the same, and it's closer to my work. I feel like my workout is suffering because of this. There are at least four people who would take this class. And if they did some better marketing, they might find that more people would be interested. 

Now that I'm getting my mojo back, it's time to get serious about losing the rest of the weight. I think I might be able to come up with an eating plan I can live with—see I didn't say diet. My appetite feels like it's been slightly reduced—I said slightly—so that should be beneficial. I hope. I'm really hoping the changes I'm making will help. This has been a very frustrating experience. (Even my skin looks better.)

There's a football game here tomorrow. Traffic is going to be terrible from now until a good 24 hours after it's over. Mountaineer fans are dedicated if they are nothing else. And there's a pep rally of some sort today. That'll really gum things up. 

And that's about the size of things today. See you next week.