Getting My Mojo Back

Prior to the switch in my thyroid medication, my temperature always ranged around 97. Well, last night I took my temperature, and it was 98.5, That's the highest it's been in years. Before, I always felt cold. Now, for the first time in years, I feel warm. I feel like I'm getting it together, too. And all it took was a little more T-3. So many people are different when it comes to the care of whatever ailment they might have. If we were all the same, we would all look alike. And wouldn't that be scary?

I overslept this morning—I'm sleeping better, too—so I didn't get to do the intensive interval workout. But that's OK. I'll get back to it Tuesday—Monday is a holiday. But on a sad note, there's still no aerobics class for September. This is very disturbing. If this keeps up, I'll just go to the university's Rec Center—as it's known. The price is the same, and it's closer to my work. I feel like my workout is suffering because of this. There are at least four people who would take this class. And if they did some better marketing, they might find that more people would be interested. 

Now that I'm getting my mojo back, it's time to get serious about losing the rest of the weight. I think I might be able to come up with an eating plan I can live with—see I didn't say diet. My appetite feels like it's been slightly reduced—I said slightly—so that should be beneficial. I hope. I'm really hoping the changes I'm making will help. This has been a very frustrating experience. (Even my skin looks better.)

There's a football game here tomorrow. Traffic is going to be terrible from now until a good 24 hours after it's over. Mountaineer fans are dedicated if they are nothing else. And there's a pep rally of some sort today. That'll really gum things up. 

And that's about the size of things today. See you next week.

I Feel More Present

I finally got my tooth fixed yesterday. It is so much nicer without that sharp-edged tooth. Anyway, my face was numb for close to five hours. Why is it that the numbing seems to get number after you leave the dentist's office? And my breath had that wonderful I've-just-been-to-the-dentist's-office aroma. Gak. That's really hard to get rid of. Today, it feels tender. But not sharp. Yea.

I got some of my meds changed. I feel better already. I got rid of the Lasix altogether and made a switch in my thyroid medication. I now take it like I did a few years ago. The muscle cramps have subsided. I feel a little more focused (not much, just a little). I guess it's that I feel more lucid. I feel more present. I haven't felt this well in a while. 

I did 45 minutes on the treadmill and 25 minutes on the bike today. If nothing else, my endurance is remarkable. I'm back to eating tons of fruit. I just love it. 

OK. i don't know what else to say.

Chocolate Cake Is Great

Yesterday, I drove around for a while crying. Then I stopped by a grocery store and bought this delightful treat called a whoppie pie. It was chocolate cake with a creamy vanilla filling. Ten minutes after I ate it, I felt better. I'm not sure if it was the combination of sugar and chocolate, but it was wonderful. I also ate a pint of chocolate ice cream. Some people need a drink. I just need a shot of chocolate, or a pint as the case may be.

So this morning I made it to the gym. I did 70 minutes of aerobics—50 minutes on the treadmill and 20 minutes on the elliptical. Sweat was pouring from me. It felt pretty good. 

I have an appointment with my doctor today. I'm going to see about getting some of meds switched—like switching Lasix for Maxcide. And I'm getting an antidepressant. Before you say anything, for me it's better than lying around depressed for the next six months. And it's better than gorging myself on chocolate. 

I haven't eaten anything yet today. And I don't especially feel hungry. But I should eat something. I have a meeting in a few minutes, so I should do it before then. 

What do I do?

Al would've been 50 years old today. I wish I could wish him a happy birthday, but I guess I can't really do that now, can I? Sometime I think about his ashes. I still have them--some in an urn and some in a plastic container because all of his ashes wouldn't fit in a typical urn. I always intended to spread the ashes somewhere in Canaan Valley--that was his favorite place on earth. I remember when the funeral home called and said they just couldn't get him a regular-sized urn and that many times the family chooses to spread the remaining ashes--I thought that would be perfect. But since then I have never been able to let him go. I hang onto the ashes because then I still have him--well, not whole like when he was alive. He's just in a couple of different containers in a bookcase in my bedroom, that's all. But he's still there. (I should say that Al wasn't a fat guy. He just had incredibly large bones. In fact, I had donated his bone marrow and they actually took his hip and thigh bones, and he still wouldn't fit in a regular-sized urn. Now those were some big, ole strong bones.)

Maybe I should let go of the ashes. Maybe it would help me let go of him. I think I'm still hanging onto him. Why? I know he's not coming back. He's not going to need his ashes. I was just thinking: if he does come back, he's going to be really pissed that I gave his suits to charity last Christmas--and I threw out all of his underwear. But what is real? He's not coming back. So what do I do? Figure out how to move on.

As far as exercise goes, I did not go to the gym this morning either. My knee is swollen and stiff. But I've got to keep it moving. So I'll go back tomorrow. And I'll go back to work, too. I just needed a day to collect myself.

I Wish It Would Rain

Last Sunday would've been my 18th wedding anniversary, and Monday would've been Al's 50th birthday. I'm in the middle of some really deep emotions, and I think I'm going to go nuts if I don't get out of here. I had a friend who promised to there for me through this rough time, but is now gone. So much for that I guess.

I'd like to go get a half gallon of ice cream and eat it all myself. I don't really know what to do with myself. I feel like crying.

Body Slows Hormone Conversion

Has anyone heard this before: When you lose a lot of weight--especially if you are hypothyroid--your body's conversion of T-4 to T-3 will slow down to the point that you will no longer lose weight? T-3 is the thyroid hormone primarily responsible for metabolism. This is the response that is responsible for the dreaded plateau. This is the first time I have ever heard an explanation that makes perfect sense to me. What do you think?

Celebrate Your Life

Today is Friday. Another week gone. 

Last night I was dreaming that several people in my neighborhood had already decorated for Christmas. I've had this dream a couple of times now. I was really shocked that they would go ahead and decorate so early. I thought, "Wow. They are really going to be tired of those decorations by Christmas. It's the middle August. Geez." What kind of meaning does this dream have to me? Christmas coming early? Christmas coming too soon? 

When Al was alive, Christmas was my favorite time of year. I still like to buy gifts for the girls. And slowly, Christmas is coming back to life for me. But why do I keep dreaming about people decorating for the holiday too early? What does that mean? Maybe that there are things to celebrate no matter what time of year it is? 

I did 65 minutes of cardio this morning. Fifty minutes on the elliptical and 15 minutes on the treadmill. And now I can rest for a couple of days. I do plan on getting some work done around my house this weekend. I've put it off too long. 

Yesterday, I said that absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder—at least it doesn't for me. It makes me forget and feel forgotten. Real friends don't have to find the time for each other—they make the time. Everyone is busy. But sometimes you have to put off going to the grocery store and take a minute for the people in your life. And yes, that's message to "someone out there"—even if it is too late.

I have a lot of challenges to get my house in order. It's such a mess now. So that's going to take a lot of time for a while. I have a stack of various colors of paint chips. I'm trying to decide between colors that are only a micro-shade of difference. How do you ever know for sure? 

OK. Gotta go for today.

I Forgot

It just occurred to me that I haven't posted anything for two days. I've been so busy at work, I forgot. 

I started taking potassium and magnesium supplements, and the muscle soreness I've been experiencing has eased up quite a bit. So I was low on one or the other, or both. Even my tight hamstrings have eased. Whadda ya know? 

I did a full hour on the treadmill this morning. I went all the way up to a five percent incline. I felt pretty good when I was finished. Guess who showed up this morning after a month-long absence? That's right, it was "the crush." Well, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. I had pretty much forgotten about him—and my heart didn't go pitter patter when I saw him. But he still looks pretty good. 

I'm waiting to see if they reinstate the aerobics classes. I feel like I'm missing something. I don't want to lose all of the gains I made from months of doing the class twice a week. 

But I'm still busy today, so I need to wrap this up. 

Cute Baby Tricks

The trip to the nutritionist was disappointing. She was about 25, and had a very patronizing little attitude. I made the best of it while I there, but after I left I started thinking, "What a little b@#*%." So I didn't really learn anything that I didn't already know. But it wasn't a complete waste of time. She did show me this link to one of the cutest baby tricks I've seen in a long time. Check out Evil Baby Face. Now Isn't that cute?

I did about 70 minutes of cardio this morning. And I remembered to stretch. So it's all good.

50?

I wasn't going to write a post unless I had something positive to say. Yesterday would've been my 18th anniversary. And August 17 is usually the start the "Depression Season" for me. But I'm trying to put on a happy face despite my blue mood. 

I went to the gym this morning and did the intensive interval workout. It actually feels pretty good once I get started. I managed a full 50 minutes of cardio with at least 30 minutes of strength training. My hamstrings are really tight, though. I'm trying to stretch them out as much as I can. I have a goal of being able to bend over and hug my legs. I can touch the floor now, but my knees are still bent. I know you're supposed to leave your knees somewhat soft, but heck. Mine are bent almost to the point that I should be sitting. I have no idea how my hamstrings got as tight as they are. And sitting around all day doesn't help anything. In fact, it makes it worse. I read that if you have a job that requires you to sit all day, tight hamstrings are one of the things you'll have to deal with. Ugh. 

Next Monday would've been Al's birthday. He would've been 50. I have a really big birthday coming up at the end of September. I never thought this day would come. I remember being a kid and thinking there was no way I would live to be 50. That was so old. And I remember thinking about my 50th birthday being in 2008. I figured the world would end by then. But here we are. And I'm going to be 50. When Al was alive I at least had some comfort in his being 50 before me. Now I get to be 50 by myself—not that I'm the only person in world that ever turned 50. But it sure feels like it when it's happening to you.

I finally have my appointment with the nutritionist today. I have no idea how this will go. 

Well I'm off to make some more money for the government. 

Bugging the Snot out Me

I went back to the elliptical this morning. I noticed that it was much more difficult after not having done it for a while. I also increased the intensity a bit. And that made it harder, too. I'm feeling better today, despite waking up a little on the rough side. 

Fall seems to be setting in around here. A funny thing happens in the fall in Morgantown. I noticed it at the gym this morning. Everyone starts wearing blue and gold T-shirts that identify them as a Mountaineer. I did see one tie-dyed T-shirt that said West Virginia University Mountaineers on the front—which was a little odd because the colors were every other color except blue and gold. But football season will be starting soon. And when it does, this town will be turned upside down. 

One of my fillings came out sometime over the last day or so. Maybe it was this morning. But it's bugging the snot out me—I can't keep my tongue out of it. I just called my dentist. With luck I can get in soon. When it rains it pours. I think I must've swallowed it, too. 

I'll be seeing the nutritionist tomorrow. I had to cancel the Monday meeting because I was so sick. I'll let you know how that goes. I really need help with my diet. It's only thing I can figure that keeping me from losing weight. I know I've got to eating more than I think I am. 

OK. Another busy day.

Sweating Out the Toxins

I made it to work today. We'll see how this goes. I do feel better.

I went to the gym as well. I didn't do the intensive interval workout. I did my old workout. And it seemed hard enough. Once I got a good sweat going, it seemed to relieve the sinus pressure. Weird. But whatever works. Maybe I needed to sweat out the toxins. I still have six more days of antibiotic to go. 

That's it for today.

I'm Not as Alone as I Think I Am

I have been dealing with one of the worst sinus infections I've had in years. I finally made it to the walk in clinic on Sunday. By that time, the infection was so bad it was causing pressure on my inner ear--I was so dizzy I didn't know if I could drive to the clinic or not. But I made it--and back--and managed not to kill anyone or myself. I guess that's obvious though or I wouldn't be here writing this. I'm on Omnicef--which is killing my stomach. But I feel so much better. I took yesterday and today off from work and the gym. I didn't think walking on a treadmill would've been a good idea for someone who is as lightheaded as I've been. My ear is still popping a little bit, too.

So I haven't done much about diet or exercise for the past five days--not that I've been eating large amounts of food. It's hard to eat when you feel like you might throw up. I've been drinking a lot tea. But I weighed myself this morning and--no weight loss. I'm just stuck forever. I can't figure it out. I do feel like I'm more toned from all of the intensive interval exercise. But I'm not losing any weight. What gives? Menopause? Thyroid disease? What is it? I will not give up though. If there's one thing that can be said for me, it's that I'm one hardheaded woman. That didn't work--try something else.

I have a friend who swears by Atkins. He lost 125 pounds using the plan. I may try that again--this time with some real effort. I mean I'll actually do the plan and not sneak in a bunch of fruit. And I may, she says while swallowing her pride, ask him for his help. Huh. I just thought. Maybe if I didn't swallow so much pride, I would lose some weight.

I've had surprising number of hits by people who have Googled about losing their husband. I guess I'm not the only widow in the world after all. For a long time, it felt like it. It's such a dark, lonely feeling--a feeling I'm not sure I can describe. It's like having a limb amputated. You feel out of balance--lost, alone. You walk through life, going about your everyday business, but you're hemorrhaging inside. People talk to you, and you answer. But you aren't really sure of what's being said. It's an awful aloneness.

It's not like being divorced--I've done both. While I wasn't really married, I did live with someone for six years and then split up. That was hard. Everything of yours is intertwined with everything of theirs. But in the end, it's OK to call him a bastard for leaving you. When someone dies, if you said that, people would be horrified that you were speaking so ill of the dead--even though you are so pissed at him for leaving you. So, I've been thinking a lot about widowhood. It's not a fun place to be. But I'm recovering, slowly. I'm making new friends. I'm getting out more. And one day, maybe I'll be OK.

Where do these weird dreams come from?

I'm taking a vacation day today. I slept in for quite a while this morning. Was doing some really bizarre dreaming--something about being at a party where many of my family were--who are dead. And the party was really a funeral for this guy who killed himself just so I would come to his funeral. And when I went to view the body, he says, "Thanking for coming," and then started to sit up. When some of the other funeral goers saw this, they grabbed him and laid him back down in his coffin. Weird. And then my family members turned the funeral into a Christmas gift exchange. And I felt bad because I didn't have any gifts for anyone--all the while thinking it was really weird and a little over the top to turn a funeral into a gift exchange. But I also was thinking that it would be just like them to do something like this because they were pretty selfish when they were alive, so why would anything change now? Anyway, that's what I get for sleeping in for so long.

I didn't workout this morning. I needed a break from everything. My body needed a rest as did my mind. Obviously from my dreaming. Just too weird.

Chance is outside barking at everything that moves.

I have a sinus thing going on. I may end up going to the walk in clinic. I hate that. I've been there more this year than the last five years combined.

OK. That's my post for the day. Enjoy life.

This Is a Fine Turn of Events

I spoke too soon yesterday. I ended up getting really sick. I had to make a lot of copies, so of course, the copy machine got hot and jammed. Then I was hanging upside down trying to get all of the jams unjammed and got dizzy. Then I got sick. What a day it turned out to be. I hate that feeling, and it's kind of hanging on today. Never again. 

My workout this morning was somewhat abbreviated because I really didn't feel so good. That's what I get for thinking I was finally turning around. In some ways I'm like George Constanza—God will never let me just be OK. Also, I finally rolled out of bed later than I have in a long time. I did not get up until almost 6 a.m. I was still a little woozy from my episode yesterday. 

So I was hoping that I would be doing OK today. Maybe tomorrow. 

I Feel Rested

I did the interval workout this morning, and to my surprise, I feel really good today. I must've gotten some sound sleep last night. For a while, I was so tired it was hard for me to make it through a workout. This morning I felt revved. I could've stayed another today. The interval workout takes 90 minutes and sometimes a few minutes longer. But I could've kept going. Now why is it that overnight I feel like a different person? What happened? I got some good sleep. That's my guess. I didn't wake up once. I slept like a baby through the night. Today I feel energized and relaxed. And I no where near as bloated as I've been. I know that's news you've been waiting to hear. 

My world is pretty much the same. No news. No revelations. I'm just better rested. 

OK. I have to finish writing an article. And the day looks as if it could be a busy one. So, later. 

Discretion Isn't Necessary, I Guess

Geez. Life is really hard these days. I had such a hard time getting up this morning. I slept in longer than I have for months. Calling in sick has crossed my mind more than once in the past month. I am tired. OK. I need to find something to keep me awake. 

I did an hour on the treadmill this morning—actually it was 63 minutes because I wanted to burn 500 calories. I tried to remember to breathe deeply during my workout. Sometimes I find myself breathing really shallow. I think it makes the workout harder when you aren't breathing like you should. So I try to remember to breathe. 

OK. I wasn't going to tell this story, but I'm going to anyway. I've had really bad gas for the past couple of weeks. I find myself needing to release said gas from time to time. I try to be discreet about it. This morning in the locker-room shower I needed to release a little, so I did so very discreetly. However, a few stalls over someone else let go with something that sounded like heavy furniture being dragged across the floor—not once but twice. I suspect this person didn't know anyone else was in the showers. I thought to myself, "I will never again be embarrassed by anything that comes out me after that." 

So that's how my morning started. Thank God for people who have the capability of embarrassing themselves in ways that never would've occurred to me. OK. I have a lot to do today. So later people. 

Why are you grabbing things out of my hands?

I'm late posting today. I'm still tired. I still need a break. I wish I could go away  to the beach or someplace relaxing. I have a zit inside my ear that's driving me crazy. I swear it's all designed to send me over the top.

I worked out this morning. It was hard to get going. But once I got into it, it was OK. It's going to be weird without aerobics this month. I hope it comes back in September. I'm going to feel like I'm missing something. But maybe I need the break anyway. My right leg hamstring muscle is pretty sore. I've been trying to stretch it out. I don't want to over do it—I just want it to stop cramping. Maybe I've been over doing it. 

I went to Lowe's on Saturday and bought a kitchen design book. When I went to pay for it, the cashier was engaged in a conversation with another Loew's employee. He didn't even turn around and look at me. I was standing with my credit card in my hand, and without a word, he literally grabbed the card out of hand. I guess I must've had a shocked look on my face because the other employee actually apologized for her colleagues rude behavior.

She said, "I'm sorry."

And then he said, "For what?"

OK. I guess your mother never taught you any better.  Maybe you shouldn't be working with the public. I think this becoming a habit of the retail business. A friend of mine told me a similar story. But this time the cashier grabbed the card virtually out of her wallet. It is very strange indeed. Why is there so little true service anymore? I've worked in retail, and I can truthfully say, I never treated anyone like this. I never would've just grabbed someone else's credit card. 

Other than that, I really didn't do much this weekend. I behaved myself. 

I Need a Vacation

I made it through the week, but I am exhausted. I really need a break—not from exercise, but from from my job. It's really getting to me. I haven't taken any time off since Christmas. I feel like I'm going to collapse. But the weekend is here, finally. 

I'm eating chocolate this morning. I know. Shame on me. When I walk, I keep stumbling over my own feet because I can't lift my feet up enough because I am so dogged tired. Boo hoo.

I don't have a lot to say today. I wish I did. 

Here's a question for you: When advertisers and manufacturers want us to think that whatever it is that their selling is really cool, why do they think that telling us it's European will make it more desirable?