Happy New Year

2010 begins at midnight tonight. Most folks view the coming year as a fresh start--a time to make resolutions about their lives.

My mother--good ole' country woman that she was--used to tell me, "Whatever you're doing on New Year's Eve, you'll be doing the whole year through." I'll be at my sister's enjoying some family time. Right now, I'm here writing this blog. I decided to make just a few resolutions this year. So here goes:

1. Comes to terms with my food addiciton,

2. Visit at least 10 other people's weight loss blogs a day for motivation and inspiration,

3. Workout at least four days per week--it doesn't always have to be in a gym,

4. Keep a food journal, and

5. Write in this blog at least four days per week.

So that's it. Happy New Year everybody!

2009 Ends with a Blue Moon

It only happens once in a blue moon. December 31, 2009, will be the second blue moon this year, according the Weather Channel. So while it may not seem so auspicious, it does make for a heck of an ending. So this may be the year to make all those New Year's Resolutions that you never thought you'd actually do. It may be a blue moon before you get to again.

FYI: A blue moon happens when two full moons occur in one month. The second full moon is called a blue moon.

Getting on Top of Why I Always Feel on the Bottom

PBS will be airing a documentary titled This Emotional Life beginning January 4, 2010. It's three-part series, and looks like it will be worth watching.

If you can't tell from my posts lately, I'm really exploring my emotions and how they connect to who I am--and to why I have a food addiction. Depression, anger, and guilt keep my emotional roller coaster running. And I use food to control my feelings, and my reaction to the world. But I'm tired of it. I'm tired of ruining my health just so I can feel better for five minutes. I'm tired of giving up on things that will make me happy because they will be hard to do. So my New Year's resolutions include figuring how this got started so I can figure out how to end it.

I'd like to share with you some of the things that I've found. Binge eating or compulsive overeating has it's roots in addiction. Oftentimes, people who use food as a means of coping come from families in which addiction is one of the most common traits.

Binge eating or compulsive overeating falls into the realm of addictive behaviors because the person who is exhibiting the behavior is preoccupied with it. Food is always on their mind. They no more than finish lunch until they are thinking about snacks or dinner. They often eat at night or in secret. They have secret stashes.

People who are addicted to food typically use ruminative coping methods--meaning they tend to dwell on problems. Also, there are brain changes associated with obesity. These changes are similar to those in an alcoholic or drug addict. Obese people often fall into what has been called a toxic triangle--eating, drinking, over thinking. (The drinking doesn't have to be alcohol. It could be soda.) This behavior leads to binging.

So. That sounds like me. And now I've got to figure out which way to go.

Note that I've added a resource in the left-hand column: Disorder.org. Here's a direct link to information about eating disorders.

Photo Credit: APaperFaceOnParade

Biggest Loser Faces Weight Loss Battle Again

We've all been there, haven't we? Lose the weight only to regain it.

Eric Chopin's 1-hr documentry premiere will be airing on Discovery Health Channel on Wednesday, January 6, 2010 at 9:00 pm. The title of the show is "Confessions of a Reality Star Loser." I will be watching. If he can do this again, hell, so can I.

The Discovery Channel is beginning a series called A New Year, A New You. They will tackle everything from weight loss to hoarding. Sounds like a good way to start the New Year.

Who am I?

I'm not a person who doesn't like change. You'll probably notice that I flipped the blog around. But, once again, it's OK. I'm still the person behind the curtain. I'm trying to make changes that reflect a New Year is once again upon us. .

I've been thinking a lot about who I am. And I'm really trying to figure it out. If I could make contact with the inner me, I think I would have the answers to a lot of questions.

I think this photo says a lot. The conflict between the two worlds is undeniable.

I'm working on the food addiction article and hope to have it posted on Suite101 soon. I'm having trouble getting going on the article today. But in the meantime, check out The Guide to Behavior Change.

Check out Endocrine Journal Club's blog. I like this site.

Libra on December 25, 2009

This was my horoscope for today. Funny I was thinking the same thing. K.

December 25, 2009

Libra (9/23-10/22)

There's no sense in sitting around and thinking about it anymore -- take action, even on Christmas Day! If your life needs a change, get up and do something about the situation; if you need to make amends, do it. Downtime is only a state of activity waiting to happen. After the party tonight, make a list of what needs to be done, then combine activities over the coming days as much as possible. Tonight, a long-postponed conversation clears the air.

I Changed the Name Back

OK. I changed the blog name back to what it was in the beginning. Don't fool around with what works.

I Don't Need This Quiz

I don't have to take this quiz to know that I'm addicted to food. I think I answered yes to every question. But hey. It's not all bad. They say when you can admit that you have a problem, you can do something about it. Right? Right?

Do you know that there's a Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous? I didn't. And it appears they have a meeting near here.

OK. I went to the site and had a look at it. They follow the 12-Step Program of AA. My biggest problem with this is the very first step—Admitting that I am powerless over food. Am I really powerless over it? I hope not. I don't want to give my power to a donut. Shouldn't I be saying: I have the power to overcome my addiction to food?

Despite that—I like the taking it one day at time part. Just for today I will eat healthfully and pass up the candy, cookies, whatever. Just for today I can get up to go exercise. Anyway, I'm still researching.

My sister just said: Changing a habit is really changing your mind.

The Invention of Lying, or Not

Today I wrote Why Do People Lie? I was looking through the local paper, and there was a story in it about why people lie. Prior to reading that article and my writing this one, I thought I must be a helluva mark because people lie to me everyday. I guess I'm not so special. People lie to each other everyday about almost anything. But did you know that people lie to themselves as much as they lie to other people? One of my favorite things to lie to myself about is how much I ate. Another: the dryer shrunk my pants.

I lie. We lie. Everyone lies. We're all a bunch of word-class liars. No really. It's true. Ricky Gervais did not invent lying. I know it's hard to believe.

Anyway, if you'd like to, check out my article.

Food Addiction

I'm going to write an article about food addiction for Suite101.com. I'll have it finished before the first of the year. I intend to continue to work on my food addiction. I figure the more I learn, the more I can figure out why I eat to soothe myself. So be looking for that.

OK. After some thought, I'd like to ask a list of questions, and luckily get two or three responses, about being addicted to food.

Many people fall under the spell of food. They use it to cope with life's challenges, and likely find it difficult to satisfy their cravings. Most of these people know that they should choose nutritious food. But when a binges comes on, the only thing that will satisfy is the stuff they know will make sick--literally, emotionally, and physically.

David Kessler, M.D., said in his book, "The End of Overeating," that foods high in sugar and fat may actually make them "hyperpalatable," meaning that they taste really, really good. The doctor claims that this response is measurable under scientific conditions.

1. What do you think of Dr. Kessler's Findings?
2. Have you ever found yourself in a binge because the food tasted so good you couldn't stop, or was that just a bonus and the binge would've happened anyway? (I know I personally have eaten things I didn't particularly like--it was just what was available.)
3. What food sets you off on a binge?
4. What life events make it more likely that you will binge?

I think that's a start. I'd like to include your responses in my article. Names can be withheld to protect your identity. Any takers? Please.

More tomorrow.

The Names Have Been Changed to Protect the Innocent

OK. I changed the name of my blog again. So don't be startled. It is me. I'm still here.

What's pantophobia?

Lucy Van Pelt: Are you afraid of responsibility? If you are, then you have hypengyophobia.

Charlie Brown: I don't think that's quite it.

Lucy Van Pelt: How about cats? If you're afraid of cats, you have ailurophasia.

Charlie Brown: Well, sort of, but I'm not sure.

Lucy Van Pelt: Are you afraid of staircases? If you are, then you have climacaphobia. Maybe you have thalassophobia. This is fear of the ocean, or gephyrobia, which is the fear of crossing bridges. Or maybe you have pantophobia. Do you think you have pantophobia?

Charlie Brown: What's pantophobia?

Lucy Van Pelt: The fear of everything.

Charlie Brown: THAT'S IT!

The Miracle of the Blog

One the biggest things that I have been trying to do differently is picture myself living the life I want. Free from my addictions. Enjoying life.

I have used food for long time as an antidepressant. I come from a long line of alcoholics. So I am wired like an addict. But I heard someone say that genetics only loads the gun. The environment pulls the trigger.

So if I'm wired to be an addict, and I grew up in a home with an alcoholic, and everything was about making the alcoholic happy, and children were pushed to the side--and my needs as a child were satisfied--by people who claimed that they loved me--with cookies, cakes, and ice cream, then how could I have helped what happened to me. I can understand it now, but I certainly couldn't then. Now I have to figure out a way to break the cycle.

Do I want help. Absolutely. And I get help everyday on this blog and the other blogs that I visit. I get help from people who are suffering through the same pain. We applaud each other for doing well. We tell each other to hang in there when things aren't going so well. I do have help. That's why I'm here writing this blog. And some days I don't have to ask for help--it just shows up. And that's the miracle of pouring your heart out in an open forum.

So, to everyone who stops by to say they've got my back--you are the greatest. Plese don't ever go away.

Want to get high, man?

I was watching a program on the Discovery Channel about addictive eating disorders. People who binge eat are looking for an increase in the brain chemical dopamine--the same chemical that increases when drug addicts get high on cocaine or heroine. (One of the reasons that Wellbutrin works well for people who binge eat.) The program further asserted that binge eaters use food as an antidepressant. (Wellbutrin again.)

So does this information make my journey any easier? A little, I guess. But knowing something and putting the knowledge in practice are two different things. I've actually been aware of this information for a long time. I am working on making changes. I can admit that I have a problem.

But I still don't need anyone to tell me that my behavior is unhealthy. To those of you who "got" my last post, I'm with you and I feel your pain. For those who didn't, try reading it again--from a little different perspective. Maybe you could stand on a chair. What? That doesn't make sense? Well, right back at ya.

Don't' Remind Me that I'm a Screw up

I've been reading a lot of blogs about overeating addictions. Some are them are by the people who are addicted. Others are by people who want to help the addicted person, but don't know how. Some of those people say they have approached the person to point out their behavior thinking they may not know they have a problem.

Believe me, they probably already know it. And here's a hint: People usually don't want to be reminded that they are big screw ups. Oftentimes even what might be considered gentle prodding can be taken the wrong way—especially if the person has a long history of low self esteem. Perhaps he or she was the subject of bulling in school. Or maybe they are the product of strike parents. The kinds of scars left from what happens early in life are hard to heal. And likely have a lot to do with the addictive behavior.

I'll use myself as an example. I know I eat too much and all of the wrong things. I know this behavior leads to my being overweight. I don't need anyone to point that out to me. I know that if I eat an entire cake by myself I will get sick and will likely gain weight—especially if I use this behavior to cope on a regular basis. Here's another hint: I'm not going to stop this behavior as long as it's working for me. Even when it becomes painful, I will still continue this coping behavior because it's worked in the past, and I don't know of other ways to cope with the world. And finding other ways is difficult. It's a lot of hard work.

Continuing with me as an example, what will work for me is finding other people who are like me. People who can't cope with the world unless they eat something—anything. Finding fellowship and realizing that I am not alone has long been my antidote to destructive behavior. This blog has often been a lifesaver—and not the kind comes in fruit flavors. People who stop by to say, "Hey, I know exactly what you mean," and "here's what I did to cope in that situation" have been the biggest help. Others who stop by just to say, "hang in there" help me as well. And to all of you, I say thank you.

What doesn't help, though, is when some friend decides to tell me that I'm eating too much and may be harming my health. "No kidding?" is what I'm thinking. Along with, "Why don't you just go to hell?" While the concern may be real, it's often not taken in that context. Here's another hint: I'm not likely to take this advice and won't do anything to help myself until I'm ready.

So that's all I have to say today. While I may sound bitter—yeah I probably am—constant advice from a well-meaning friend isn't going to help me.

Shaking It Off

Back at the gym this morning. I'm starting slowly. I walked for about 20 minutes and did an elliptical for about 10 minutes. I feel better but certainly not worn out.

I have a lot of hard ahead, but I think I can muster up what it takes. I didn't think I could before. I think it takes the right frame of mind to even get motivated. If people feel weighed down by life, I don't think they can really shake it off until they have some change in the way they think—if that makes any sense at all. I guess I mean I've been letting it go.

The truth of the matter is that my life is changing dramatically. While there's too much personal stuff to discuss in an open forum, I can say that I've been forced to make some heavy decisions. I've also been forced to face some facts. Although it's been difficult, even painful, I know the decisions I've made are right. And now I feel like I can move forward.

Thank you to everyone who supplied words of hope and wisdom. It has meant a lot to me. You have no idea how much it's meant.

No Time Left

It's been a while since I updated. I was doing well until Thanksgiving. Lately, I've been backsliding. So once again, I'm saying I'll start tomorrow. OK. So the food hasn't been that bad. It's the exercise. At one time, that was the thing that I did no matter what. Soooo. When do I get started? Tomorrow? Monday? It's time to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Eating Jam out of the Jar

I've never stolen packets of jam or jelly from a restaurant and then hidden to eat to contents like Jennette Fulda a.k.a. PastaQueen admitted in her book Half-Assed, a Weight Loss Memoir. I have, however, been known to stand in my kitchen and eat jam right out of the jar. That said, I know I have a long way to go before conquering my food addictions—and this week is Thanksgiving. Thursday will be an excuse for me to eat far more than what I need to keep myself alive.

Although I'm getting better at turning down food when I'm not really hungry, I am still tempted by a table full of delicious food. One fortunate thing since I had the gallbladder surgery is that I can't eat a lot without getting sick. So that helps me keep some of my appetite under control. But I really need to have a plan. Just like I need to have a plan to get through life—I need one for making it past the buffet table. Anyway, I'll be working on that for the next couple of days.

I had the oddest dream over the weekend. I was trying to call 911 and couldn't. I kept pressing the wrong numbers. But then I was finally able to call only to be greeted by a recording—"All 911 operators are currently busy." Seriously. I can't even get help in my dreams.

So that's it until later. . .have a wonderful day.

So He Peed on the Floor

Made it to the gym again. I've been tracking my exercise minutes on Sparkpeople. I go to the gym, then rush to work so I can add the minutes to my tally. Since I've been tracking them, I'm up to 300. Not too bad.

I've been nauseated since yesterday evening. I don't know why. I wish I could go home, but I can't. I've missed so much work already. Last evening, I just laid around. Caleb kept whining to go out. I didn't pay attention to him, so he peed on the kitchen floor. That's what I get for not listening to my pup.

I think I'm losing weight but I don't know for sure because I haven't been on the scale. I decided I don't care if I lose weight for now—I just want to get back on my feet. Even though I feel better than I have in a while, I still have days—not unlike the past two days—where I don't feel so good. So I'm not going to give myself "just one more thing" to worry about.

One of These Days

Made it to the gym again this morning. I feel more energetic. I'm still working out on the elliptical. I'm trying to work up to going to the spin class again. I will—one of these days.

Life is still full of surprises. Of course, I like good surprises better than bad ones. I'm waiting for a good one.

I wish I had some great revelations today—but I don't. I'm just working toward a better life. And I'm praying for my girls.

So the plan is to get back to they gym five days a week. Two down, three to go.

P.S. I just read a headline that said: "Baby Safe after Being Trapped in Washer." How does that happen?

Wishing on a Star

It's a new week. I made it to the gym today. I did about 40 minutes on an elliptical. I walked for about 10.

I don't eat anywhere what I used to eat. So the diet is still OK.

I'm still broke.

I still pray for divine intervention—I pray for my girls and for answers everyday.

I still wish on a star.

I still believe in miracles.

I still have faith.

So that's where my head is at.

If It's Tuesday. . . .

It's Tuesday.

Well, I'm back to the gym on a somewhat regular basis. In the last six days, I've been there four. So, that's saying something. And the diet is slowly getting better.

I pray everyday for some kind of divine intervention. I'm tired of struggling through life like it is. If I had the financial means to retire, I would.

I have a motivational saying on the wall in front of me at work. It says, "Motivation is what gets you started. habit is what keeps you going." —Jim Ryun. I'm trying to get back into the habit. I still can't believe I was sick for almost a full year. Where is the fairness in life? Ugh. At least I felt guilty this morning for not going—then wished I would've gone despite the sinus headache. So that's good. Making excuses for not going doesn't seem like such relief anymore.

I'm going to start doing some writing for Suite101. I already have a couple of people lined up to interview—a personal trainer and a registered dietitian. So be looking for those stories soon. I'll let you know when they're published. I'm looking forward to writing something other than environmental issues. It should be fun.

Fighting the Fight—Again

I got up and went to the gym this morning. I walked for about 30 to 40 minutes. I just walked. I didn't try to over do it. No lifting weights. No running. No using machines. And I feel OK. The pain that I would usually get during exercise didn't manifest itself. I think I'm actually on the mend—this time for sure.

I got on Sparkpeople again to track my exercise and food.

I'm just trying to get the will to fight the fight again. I know you all know what I'm talking about. This year has been such an emotional and physical roller coaster. Now it's time to heal.

Mind Over Food

I saw an ad that said, "How to convince your mind to stop overeating." Well, now that's intriguing, I thought.

My mind game would probably be something like this: "OK now mind"--this is me talking to my mind now. "OK now mind, you've got to stop craving so many foods that bad for me like cake and cookies, and stuff."

"But I want to eat the cake now. Look at it. All chocolatey frosted. I can already taste it. Hey check it out. I'm making the taste buds water. You can't stop it now mind. Once the taste buds get ready to taste something, it better be there ready to be tasted. Oooo, this is gonna be so good."

And then bite. That's what would happen next.

So if anyone has been successful in the mind over food approach, please let me know.

And the Final Diagnosis

Chronic cholecystitis was the final diagnosis on my gall bladder. Apparently its weird little abnormally was genetic--you know the duct that was too narrow. I had a moderate amount of sludge in my gall bladder, and it couldn't squeeze itself out through the narrow duct--causing increasing pain and inflammation each time it had to do its job. It would only have gotten worse. Thank God I found these docs in Uniontown, PA. They took immediate action because they recognized that it was my gall bladder that was causing all the trouble. Thank you, thank you, is what I have to say.

Sorry docs in Morgantown, just standing around doing nothing would've helped.

One thing I would like to mention. The doc was floored at how quickly my surgical wounds are healing. I say it was from all of the exercise that I'd done for more than two years. My skin was getting plenty of oxygen. Two of my incisions are almost fully healed. The other two are still sort of sore, but nothing like what I expected.

I think that anyone considering surgery should make exercise a priority. Or maybe you should just exercise anyway. You'll be healthier in the long run, and when things do have to get you down for a little while--it won't be so bad. You'll heal up quicker.

I'm feeling much better today.

I'm A Slug

The weather has done me no good. My sinuses are killing me. That combined with the constant tiredness from the surgery has made me into a slug. I've done nothing but sleep over the past two days. When I'm awake, I feel terrible. How do I get myself back?

P.S. I'm really looking for inspiration.

Getting Better, Facing Facts

There was a time when I thought I would never be fat again. I'd worked so hard to lose the weight, I was sure I would never regain it. Well, after having been sick for a year, I know now that's no true. Here I am again faced with losing the weight that creeped back on while I wasn't exercising. 

Exercise, I think, helps with just about everything. I think I'm healing pretty quickly from the gallbladder surgery. If I hadn't exercised for two years before this, I think I'd be in much worse shape. Exercising increases your circulation, sending much need oxygen and nutrients to the skin and other organs. So I think I'm healing quicker because of all the work I did before. Now, I just have to get back to it. Next week, I'm going to start walking for 20 to 30 minutes per day to get myself accustomed to exercising again. 

I'm still tired, but the pain is much less than it's been in quite awhile. So here's to working myself back into an exercise mode.

Taking it Slow

Today I feel even better than yesterday. I made a promise to myself. Once I get back to the gym, I'm just going to start out walking. I have no grand ideas about jumping right back into lifting weights and doing hours of cardio. Once I feel strong enough to move on, I will. Until then, it's walking on the track for 20 to 30 minutes to begin.

My diet isn't great, but it's certainly not out of control. I eat a lot of fruit, some veggies, cereal and milk, bread and cheese, milk, and water--lots of water. Probably some stuff I'm forgetting, but it's better than before the surgery. But, in the next few weeks I've got to work out a real healthy diet--you know, one with lots of fresh fruit and veggies, whole grains, lean sources of protein.

Above all this time, I promised myself to hit the psychology side it. Why do I overeat? Even when it doesn't make me feel good? And that's true even while I'm doing it. So, we'll be working on that.

OK. That's it until later.

Feelin' Stronger Everyday

Feelin' better today. I go back to work tomorrow. Today turned out OK, too. So I'm lookin' for the positive life force that lives inside me--somewhere. I know it's there.

They say prayer changes things and they know it's true because they've done studies that support it's benefits. And what's wrong with that?

I've not been eating that much yet--not really very much for a week. So keeping my stomach on the shrunken side should pay off in long run. I've got to get back to work to get a plan going. I have friend there who can help. Healthy eating plan--here I come.

More as I get better.

I Made It Through, And Thank You

Well, I made it through the surgery. I'm still sore but I can tell the surgeon got "the thing" that was bothering me. He sent my gall bladder to pathology so I probably won't know what all of the trouble was until my follow up appointment on October 30. He did say that the duct was too small. I'm not sure if it's always been that way or if it's because of scar tissue. I guess I'll find out October 30. Anyway, I already feel better. I still need to heal, but at least that's an option now.

I feel like I've been shot repeatedly. I have four holes in my belly. And I smell like Bernadine. Nice, huh?

Anyway, just checkin' in. I wanted ya' all to know I'm doin' OK. And thanks so much for all of the concern. Sometimes it amazes me that so many people care. I've found that out over the last year. I can't thank you enough.

I Cannot Believe This Day Is Finally Here

It is 5:30 a.m. on Wednesday. I'm due at the Same Day Surgery Unit at 7 a.m. My surgery is scheduled for 8:30 a.m. I still don't feel unusually nervous. I will--once I'm there, and they start sticking needles in me.

If I make it through this, and I'm pretty sure I will, I hope I feel better. After everything I've been through, there's still a lingering doubt. But many people have told me how much better they felt. And that is reassuring.

Wish me luck.

Thank You

Thanks to everyone who has wished me well. It is truly appreciated. I will be back soon. With luck, I'll have much wisdom to share.

I was just reading some of the search terms people have used to find my site and one of the phrases someone used was : How to stop fatty kathy. I'm not certain if this was meant for me--but I'm taking no chances. So beware. The dogs will be sleeping with me.

Anyway, I should be back on Thursday to tell you about my surgery. I bet you'll just be bustin' to hear about that.

Surgery on Wednesday

I'm having surgery on Wednesday. I can't believe that I'm actually excited about it. I feel pretty confident in my surgeon. And I can't wait to get this over with. Once I get on the mend, I can back to my life the way it was a year ago. I can't believe that I've been allowed to go for almost a full year without a diagnosis and no real treatment. I thought this was 2009, nearly 2010 now. Geez.

Once I can get back to the gym--and make it a habit again--I can start writing posts that, with much hope, will actually help someone else.

Take Me Seriously

I've got to start taking my writing more seriously. I have a couple of plans. But I gotta get serious.

I Am Going to a Surgeon

I am scheduled to see a surgeon on October 9. I hope the surgery will be very soon after that appointment.

My Day

Ugh. I feel terrible. Even though I'm not eating that much, I'm not losing any weight—bright side, not gaining either.

My symptoms:

• Severe pain under right ribs, pain feels like burning, boring, searing, stabbing, pain is constant—also have burning pain across mid-stomach and back, feeling like something is on fire, inflamed, and swollen particularly after eating;

• Bitter taste in mouth;

• Numb hands, around lips, and tip of tongue, also so some numbness in my feet;

• Inability to eat spicy food, fatty food causes symptoms but not like spicy food;

• Fatigued;

• Nauseated;

• Diarrhea alternating with constipation;

• Rapid heart rate in the evenings after going to bed (been up to 115 bpm);

• Low blood pressure (sometimes like 92/65);

• Sick of feeling this way.

That's what I'm living with on pretty much a daily basis.

I Asked Him to Make a Noise

I was looking through a scrapbook and an album of photos of Al. It's been almost four years since he died. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering "us." It seems like it was someone else's life, not mine. I look for signs that maybe he's still with me--somehow. I ask him to make a noise or something, but nothing ever happens.

When I first sat down at the computer, it felt like someone touched my leg. But there was no one there. I asked for it to happen again--it didn't. My imagination the first time?

I'm not sure what happens when we die. Is there more than this? One thing for sure, we'll all know one day.

I'm still sick and feeling kind of flu-ish. I hope I can make it to the surgery, and I don't end up in the ER. I've been working on it. It bothers me most to eat spicy food. I can almost get away with a little fat. I will be so happy to be able get my life back together. I've tried so hard, but when you're sick lots of things don't go the way you'd planned.

I'm going to practice a little piano and then go to bed.

The Answer

I went to see a new doctor about my ailments. He told me my illness is "screaming gall bladder," and he suspects that my pancreas may be infected, too. He said that my pancreas is likely an innocence bystander—in other words, he doesn't think there's anything wrong with it other than the bile backup that's going on. And it might be infected now. So I have an appointment with a surgeon on October 9. I hope I can make it that long.

I took a muscle relaxer last night, and that seemed to help. Anyway I feel like things are better controlled this morning. 

So I don't have a lot to say. 

Pain, Pain Go Away

I've been on steroids since last week. It helped the pain for a little while, but now it's coming back. For the past two days, the pain and bloat have been coming back pretty steadily. Last night, I had another attack. Today, I feel bloated despite all the medications—or maybe it's because of all the medications. It's also the last day of antibiotics. I'm afraid "it" will come back in full force as soon as I stop. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. And I hate constantly talking about being sick. 

I'm still going to the gym at least two days per week. I want to make it back to five days—but I just don't have the energy. Tomorrow I'll be on my own. My trainer has some kind of freshman "thing" to do for the next couple of weeks. I'll miss her, but when you're getting something for free, you can't really complain. 

I don't eat that much anymore, but I'm not losing any weight either. I need the exercise to get in shape. I know it. 

I started piano lessons again. It's much more relaxing this time around. I have a couple of hours after work to go home and take a break before heading to class. Last time, it was almost straight from work and made a long day. I was usually so tired I just wanted class to be over. I like piano. It takes all of your focus power and keeps you from thinking about anything other than the next note. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy it.

Inflammation Is Making Me Weight (y)

My health has become a source of regular disappointment for me. I have one day where I feel better followed by four where I don't know why I thought I was improving. I spent today crying. The boring, searing pain is still there. Although an inflammation that was throughout my body has greatly improved--the searing pain has not. It still feels like something is trying to bore its way from just under my ribs to out of my back. Gee, what if there really were some kind of Star Trek alien-like creature. . .well, maybe not.

I have my suspicions, but people immediately poo poo me. I don't think it's a creature with its own conscious. Just the one body part that has the capability of digesting itself. No, not the stomach. It's the one that alcoholics have problems with--no, not the liver. But it's in the neighborhood.

I think I have some kind of chronic pancreatitis. "Oh, poo poo," say some of my friends. "It's your gall bladder." I don't think so. This is not a colicky, crampy feeling. This is a burning, boring, searing feeling--like something is trying to digest itself. And it's working at it pretty hard.

Things that puzzle me are that the antibiotics helped some kind of overall inflammation that I was dealing with. My joints ached all over. I could barely walk. It took all my strength to pull myself up from a chair--it was painful. My hips and knees were especially sore and tender. Once I sat down, getting back up was an event--struggling, pulling myself up by whatever steady object I could get hold of. . .be it fixture, man, or beast. The dogs actually earned their keep a couple of times--most of the time I just used a chair. Now with the aid of antibiotics, however, I can stand without much assistance. I can once again go up and down stairs.

My shoulders, elbows, and wrists feel better. So does my back. Yet, my right side under my ribs still feels like a burrowing beast is making itself a home. What gives?

And the inflammation was causing so much water gain that I thought I was going to burst. That has begun to clear up. But what do I do when the antibiotics are taken away and everything returns?

Uh, Excuse Me

I don't want to jinx myself, but I'm feeling better. The third antibiotic seems to be taking care of the pneumonia and pleurisy. I just hope it's enough. But I will conquer this damn thing. I've been through so much with this. It's like, "This will only take about a minute and cost about $1,000." And then I still wasn't "cured." 

I've been invaded through almost every orifice, had things cut out of me, and taken about 15 different medications. All for naught. But I do feel better today. I think things started turning around over the weekend. I will get better—I am better.

I'm getting my energy back up to get to the gym, too. And I'm going to a spinning class tomorrow. I will get better. I am going to the gym four days this week—not "going to try to make it" but "I am going to the gym four days this week."

OK. So I brought a bottle of bathroom cleaner to the gym this morning and sprayed the shower out before I used it. I'm not going to get sick again. For the first time ever, in all of the times I've used gym showers, I felt clean when I was finished. Over the top? I don't think so. I've had pneumonia and pleurisy for almost a year. Not gonna do it again.

I saved the best for last: during this morning's workout with a trainer present mind you, while in mid sit up, I farted. While I know this happens to everybody, it's nonetheless mortifying when it does happen. I said, "Excuse me." What else could I say? She was perfectly cool about it and said, "Oh you're fine." And then went on. I on the other hand was ready to die. And just as it happened, my piano teacher's husband walked by. It's the sit ups I'm telling you. The damn sit ups.

Everything Can Change

I finished lunch a little while ago, and now I have a "sticking" pain in the right side. I think I may still have pleurisy and pneumonia, too. It feels really heavy under my ribs—like my abdomen is full of fluid. I feel like a watermelon.

I was reading another blog—Bad Pancreas—and she was talking about being whole. I understand what she means, despite my not really feeling whole for the past four years. My life, too, was shattered and I picked up what was left. And now I am who I am because of my past—because of everything I knew being ripped apart. It has taken a long time for me to get to where I am now. I now feel like am whole just the way I am. I don't need anyone else to make me feel complete. And that's OK. I like it like this. If I were a lot younger I might feel differently. But I guess I'll never know that.

I know she was talking about how being sick can change  your life. And I'm talking about losing a life partner. There are many, many events in life that can change everything. One day life is what is it is, and the next, it's all different. And no one asked you if that was OK with you. It just happens. Then it's time to make new plans. 

OK. I'm getting weird. Too philosophical maybe. Funny. I'm actually listening to DEVO sing "Whip It" right now. How weird is that? 

Get straight, go forward, move ahead. . . .

The next song on my MPV? Don Henley's "In a New York Minute." 

In New York minute, everything can change

In New York minute, things can get a little strange. . . .

I Haven't Been Defeated

I'm going to the gym in the morning, despite the way I feel. I'm really disappointed that no one can seem to figure out what's wrong with me. I'm getting more frustrated as the days and months go by. I have been set back in my weight loss program by months.

I'm eating low fat, trying to exercise as much as possible, but still gaining weight and the pain in the right side isn't improving. It is also spreading across the stomach--but headquartered in my right side. By now, I think this is something serious. But all of my medical tests have been inconclusive. I'm awaiting the results of some blood and fecal tests now. I imagine they will show nothing as well.

Well, I gotta get up at 5 a.m. So I'm off to bed. I hope my medical issues don't discourage anyone from fighting the War Against Fat. I will get better soon, and I will be back in the shape I was six months ago. I figure as long as I write it down, I am making a commitment. And I have committed to exercising with a trainer at least two per week for the fall semester here at WVU. So I will be there in the morning.

P.S. Funny thing. Most of weight gain has been in my middle.

And after two nights, I woke up and I had no back pain

I've decided that the inversion table was actually sent by God. I haven't had this much pain relief in my right leg in almost two years--well, since it really started up. It seems like a silly thing to do, but don't knock it it until you've tried it. And it does qualify as a medical expense when tax time comes rolling around. Find those loop holes--that's what I say.

OK. That was the good news. The pain under my right ribs is still there boring its way through my body. Most of the time it's like a gnawing kind of pain. Like something is trying to chew its way out. And I'd say that's about a level two to three on pain scale. But, mind you, this is what it's like all of the time. It never takes a break. At other times, it's like someone taking the broken bottom of a glass bottle and grinding it into my guts--and working desparately to get it to come out the other side. And that's like a level six to may be even an eight.

Now if I could just work past that pain, life would be good.

Spinal Decompression and the Girl with too Much Pain

I've used the inversion table twice, and I'm already feeling much better—that is as far as the back pain goes. Well, worth it. I can walk a little easier, and the pain in the back of my right leg has eased tremendously. Decompressing your spine. Who knew?

In other news I've had an elevated blood sugar two mornings in a row. I still have the pain in my side. And right now no one could convince me that I don't have chronic pancreatitis. The story is much longer, but I'll wait to share everything. 

And so, the morale to my story today is: get an inversion table if you have chronic back problems. 

Just Hangin' Around

The inversion table came. I tried it out, and I think it will do a lot good for my back. I already feel taller (ha, ha). But seriously folks, my back feels better. I'm wearing my hiking boots while I do it to keep my ankles from being pulled out of socket. Now if it could just fix pancreatitis.

I'm still having pain. I still occasionally feel like I have the flu. I get chills, achy joints and muscles, and diarrhea. I've been checking my blood sugar and getting same strange results. I'll share those another time. But I think I'm onto something. I did have coxsackie virus about a year before this all started. Diabetes anyone? I'll explain more later. But the results are strange. Take my word for it. OK. Like high when it shouldn't be--but then again, low when it shouldn't.

After I went to see Julia and Julie, I decided that I have officially become a little old lady. When I went to see this movie and walked into the theater and it was filled with old ladies and their older daughters, I knew I had arrived. They even complimented me on my shoes--they looked very comfortable, something like an orthopedic or earth shoe. Now who wouldn't want to be styling in those?

It's funny. I don't fear age. I just fear what it does to my body. I just don't like feeling broken down. OK. That's it for now.

Don't Look at Me

I went to the gym and did 30 minutes on an elliptical.  I also did some stretching. I'm working my way back. Sorry folks, no updated photos until I feel like I'm presentable. I've been sick for a long time, and I still have big bags under my eyes—and I don't look that great. 

I'm still having pain, but I'm getting so used to having it I'm not sure I'd know what to do if I had a day without it. 

It's overcast and gray outside. I'd love to curl up and go to sleep. 

I bought an inversion table for my back. It should arrive by Saturday. I'll let you know if it really works. I think it could. My doctor says I have significant osteoarthritis in my lumbar back. I went to the chiropractor a couple of times and hanging upside down does help. So I bought the in-home version. 

Well, it's time to get back to work. Later.

A Long Day into Night

I made it to the gym this morning—but I slept in. I think I put my trainer out a little bit. But I can't blame her. She was expecting me, and I was almost half an hour late. It's still hard for me to get out of bed in the morning. And the dogs usually wake me up if the alarm goes off and I don't get up. But they didn't this morning. But it's a rainy day, too. So I guess they didn't want to get up either. Still, I'm blaming them.

This coming Monday, August 17, would've been Al's and my 19th anniversary. On the 25th, he would've been 51. So I'm beginning my sad time of year—from now until New Year's. 

It's going to be a long day.

I'm Moving On

This morning I worked out with a personal trainer--although she did take it easy on me. I've also been eating things that are good for me--fresh fruit and vegetables. And some lean meat. I did sneak in a couple of M&Ms. But my desire for them is waning. I've also had 1% milk and whole grain bread.

Tomorrow it's back to the gym--and I will work through pain if I must. I have to move on with my life. I can't be too old yet.

So it's onward and upward. Who's with me?

Coincidences and Collations

Here we are on Monday morning, and I am feeling surprisingly better. Still have some pain, but not to the point it was. I feel more human today. Whatever it was, they cut something out of me on Tuesday. And I'm now healing. Although they're trying to make me believe that these simple cysts could not have been causing me any pain, I have my own theories. It's not a coincidence. 

A coincidence is when you pick up milk at the store and get home and find out everyone else bought milk, too. When someone cuts something out of you, and then you start feeling better, it's not a coincidence.  It's a direct effect. I'd like to go on and on about doctors, but I won't right now. I don't have time.

Cranky Escapdes and Wild Geese

Ugh. It's 2 a.m. and I'm too cranked to sleep. I feel sleepy, but it won't happen. I feel like some kind of weird hormonally cranked, too. You know, not your ordinary, "I can't sleep."

I'm still wondering what the hell is going on in my medical escapades. I know there's something that they're not telling me. I was dreaming that these two people were leading me all around an apartment complex--but they had no real aim as where we went and when. I got tired of the "wild goose" chase and eventually went off on my own. I don't think I need to explain that.

Monday morning I'm going back to the personal trainer. I can't let my whole life go. And I do feel oddly better, too. I have my feelings about why that is, too. But won't go into them here. I will say that I do know that some kind of lesions were removed from me--benign as they may be, they may have been doing more than just hanging around. Know what I'm saying? But I still have the pain--it's just a little different now.

So beginning on Monday, my life starts over once again. As does my diet and exercise plan. So here's to me. And one more start.

Good News But I'm Still in Pain

My tests say that my pancreas is normal. Good news. But I still have no idea why I'm in pain. Why did the biopsy cause the pain to increase? The doctors are stumped. I'm glad I don't have cancer. But what do I have?

I Didn't Imagine It

I'm quite tired today. The surgeon took two biopsies on Tuesday. I'm still feeling the effects. I'm hoping he got it. The pain I feel from the surgery is exactly the pain that I have been feeling all along--just a little more sore. Mainly on the right side, but spreading to the left and sore across my back. So I can be pretty sure he hit the sweet spot. My stomach feels swollen and tight. And it still hurts when I breathe. Let's hope the two things he cut out were minor, benign cysts. OK? And now I'm going to heal up and get all better.

So that's it for now. I hope I have good news to share soon. My question is: The surgeon did in fact find something exactly where I was having pain. So there was something there--not my imagination after all. But what was it?

Someday I'll write a post about anesthesia. Is that stuff ever a wild ride? I just can't figure out why somebody would think it was a good idea to take as a daily sleep aid. While I was under the influence, I ended up having a weird dream that I was driving out of control down a steep hill in San Francisco heading straight for the bay. In the dream I was also asleep but I couldn't wake up. And my car seat was reclined. I was trying desperately to sit up so I could see where I was going. I terrified I going to hit someone. The car kept moving at a high rate of speed. When I finally did get to sit up, I noticed that someone had taped a piece of cardboard over the windshield. When I found the strength to pull it off, it turned out to be one of those letters you get through e-mail--you know, some scammer claiming to be a Nigerian prince who's trapped in his country and he needs you to send everything in your savings account to get him out? Then he will share his great wealth with you. Except in my dream the guy had a sister. I remember I then became furious that these foreign invaders had gotten into my car to put this piece of cardboard on my windshield--I was livid. Anyway, what a dream for only being knocked out for about 30 minutes, eh?

I'm a Middle-aged, Overweight Woman

Well, here we go again. My diagnosis has changed again from just pneumonia to a compressed lung and pleurisy with a little pneumonia. Why does it keep changing? Because there's something else wrong and no one can figure out what it is. I have an idea. But I won't speak of it yet. Why? Because I hope with all of my heart and soul that I'm wrong. I will give you just a little hint though: it starts with pancreatic. . . .

It's going to take me six months to recover from all of this once it's finally finished. At least I hope that's all it takes. I move like an old woman now. After two years of diet and exercise and once being able to move like the person I was in my 30s, I'm now reduced to a shuffling old woman. And I'm rapidly gaining weight. That goes along with the nausea, diarrhea, fatigue, itching, and pain--God, let's not forget the constant pain.

Gaining weight? Yes, gaining weight. But shouldn't people with pancreatic. . . be losing weight? Well, not if they have islet cell carcinoma, insulinoma in particular. And if they are a middle-aged, overweight woman--the kind of people insulinomas love. Fortunately not all insulinomas are malignant. Many are benign. But they do affect insulin production and do require surgery.

Believe me. I want it to be something simple. I truly do. But so many things have been ruled out. And the pain is still there.

I'm still holding out hope. I have another test next week. Let's hope it rules out one more thing.

Flat Lung

I worked out with my trainer again this morning. My breathing is a little better today. I feel like I have pumped more oxygen through my body. My face is actually getting pink again while I'm exercising. This has been a very rough road—the pain, the inability to catch my breath. I just want my health back. My lung will reinflate in time. Heavy aerobic exercise will help. 

It's raining here today. It's been raining all week. 

I wish I had something positive to say.

Another Day in Paradise

Turns out I still have pain under my rib because inside the lower lobe of my right lung, the little air sacs have collapsed. Another day in paradise--a friend of mine said that this morning. And I think it's most appropriate.

Getting Past Pneumonia

I did my aerobic workout today—30 minutes on an elliptical and about 25 minutes on the track. I don't really a  trainer for this so I let Cody off the hook. I just need someone to say, "Hey, I'm glad you made it in today" or "Hey, I missed you yesterday. What happened?" But I do need a trainer for the strength training. 

I was looking around the gym today. It has a lot more equipment than my old gym. But I think I can figure most of it out—sooner or later.

I feel like I'm getting past the pneumonia. But I still have a pain under my ribs. 

Took the girls to the zoo on Saturday. The place was packed. But we managed to have some fun. But my legs swelled bigger than they ever have in my life. They feel better today. I'm not sure why that happened other than the lack of aerobic exercise for so long. Maybe next time I'll take the little zoo train. 

Well, that's all for today folks.

I Don't Want to Give Up

Despite the pneumonia diagnosis and a full course of antibiotics, I'm still having pain in my right side—under my ribs—most especially after a fatty meal. And I'm still having gastrointestinal problems that I won't go into, but are really annoying. I've had moments where I've been doubled up on the bed and had to jump up and run to the bathroom. Anyway, I think I have more going on than pneumonia.

I have my girls this weekend. They want to go to the zoo. Sounds like fun to me—as long as I don't eat any fat. Who knows? Maybe this is a good thing, and I can get over my compulsive overeating just by being sick. I haven't lost any weight with this though. In fact, I'm swollen.

Been going to the gym twice a week up to this point. I want to get back to five days a week next week. I'll have two different personal trainers for the next two weeks and then summer school ends, so I won't have a trainer under the fall semester begins. But that'll be OK. At least I'll be more in the habit of getting up to go the gym. So I'll be on my own for a month. 

I just want to be healthy. I don't want to be one of those old women who just gives up. 

Free Personal Training

I'm finally back in the gym—new gym and a new routine. I'm going to the University's Student Rec Center and getting free personal training. What a great benefit. 

I feel OK today, despite having been sick for the last six months. With any luck this is a trend. I still have to have a chest x-ray sometime today. And I still have that odd feeling in my chest. But I'll get better one of these days.

I'm still working on the emotional eating. And I'm getting a little better at thinking before I eat. 

So that's it for today. Sorry I don't have much to say. 

OK Doughnut, Just Back Off

How many times have you said, "Food is the only pleasurable thing I have, so I'm not giving it up"? I've said that too many times to remember. What I'm really saying is that I refuse to look for any other option to relieve stress, boredom, anxiety. . .and whatever else I can think of. I'm in denial about my food addiction (i.e. I am not a cupcake addict. It's just that cupcakes make me feel good.) And so, as long as I allow it to happen, my addiction continues. 

That's right—as long as I allow it. The truth is that I do have control. I am not powerless. I am the one who makes to decision to eat the cupcake. The cupcake doesn't jump in my mouth. 

Have you ever been at work—just minding your business, doing your work—and someone brings in some doughnuts? You weren't even thinking about doughnuts, but now there they are with all of their delicious sprinkles and frostings. You can't stop thinking about them. You make a number of excuses to walk passed them. And finally you give in. 

Now those doughnuts didn't really sit there calling your name did they? But why did just knowing that they were there make them so tempting? Why did they suddenly become so important? I really do have power over the doughnuts. But why do I think they have power over me? It isn't true that food is the only legitimate pleasure I'll ever have. It is time to stop giving up everything for the doughnuts, cupcakes, cookies, whatever, that I encounter. 

I Can't Believe This

I know I haven't been around, but I do have a good excuse. I have pneumonia. And what a time I've had trying to get that figured out. Three doctors--my regular doctor, an emergency room physician, and a surgeon couldn't figure out how to put Kathy back together again. And the doctors were in addition to the radiologists, nurses, attendants, and administrators that I've already spoken with--you know to promise, "Yes, I really do have insurance."

At the beginning of June I went to my doctor to discuss this pain I'd been having in my right side for months now--except now it was getting worse. Every doctor I saw immediately zeroed in on my being a 50-year-old fat woman. So of course, it had to be my gall bladder. I was subjected to several tests. They showed nothing other how healthy I am.

OK. So what's causing the pain. "Well," my doctor says, "we'll need an upper GI to look at your stomach and small intestines for ulcers." Oh great. I get to drink barium.

This test showed I had a mild hiatal hernia--not the huge hernia I was assured that I had and need surgery for. But a mild hernia. Nothing worth getting upset about. So now I'm sent for a CT Scan. More barium. Yum.

Now the thing with all of this is not so much that all of it was done and whether it was actually necessary, but the thing was I had to wait a week between doctors and tests. It took over a month to figure out that I have pneumonia. I'm still stunned.

I Have No Power

Do you feel like you are powerless over your eating habits?

You mean I coulda been getting this for free?

I've decided I'm leaving my current gym to join the Student Rec Center at WVU. Why? Because it's cheaper, and I can get a free personal trainer. What did she say? A free personal trainer? That's right. I wish I had known this a month ago. 

Unfortunately, I have a hiatal hernia that I must have repaired—soon. But that doesn't mean I can't get my ass started. And stop paying for the other membership that I'm really not using anyway.

I want to be healthy as I enter my twilight years—I think I'm older than I am. But right now I feel older than I am.  

A sidebar, and I know you'll be really interested in my health symptoms, my hernia causes me to retain large amounts of gas that identifies itself when I take a swig of diet Coke and follow it with something the magnitude of what might come out of a frat boy at a keg party. Nice, huh?

OK. That's the bad side of the hernia. What it has done for me, though, is made me think about every piece of food I put in my mouth. If I eat too much at a time, I'm in pain for hours afterward. So I'm eating very small portions. What I have come to realize is that I ate when I wasn't even thinking about it. I would look at some food and think, "this will be good," and then eat it—maybe later I don't even remember that I did it. Now, I stop before I put it in my mouth and think about the pain I'll be in if I give into the temptation. And I'm not even sure that temptation is the right word. 

So that brings me back to using food to comfort myself. What does it do for me? Especially since it makes me feel so guilty after I do it. Why am I always on self destruct? 

So that's what I'll be thinking about this week. 

What triggers your binge?

Hello all, Over the next several weeks I intend to take on the topic of emotional eating, and I invite you comment about what triggers emotional overeating for you. Emotional overeating is not merely connected to a love of food. Typically we eat out of emotion because it's the only thing that comforts us. But then once we've eaten the entire half gallon of ice cream, we feel guilty.

So together let's discover why we overeat--and it's more than your mother ice cream to satisfy you to make you stop crying--although that can play into it. Why do you continue the behavior that causes you so much pain? Let's face it, if we were alcoholics, we'd all be in rehab--or worse.

It's OK to try to control the behavior without understanding why, for a while. But then you break down and binge again. And the cycle continues.

I know I've said this before, but I'm determined to figure out why. And I will.

It Must be an Ulcer—Or Maybe it Could be Something Else

OK. So I haven't been here for a while. Well, I have a good excuse. At least I think it's a good excuse. I've been having numerous medical tests to determine why I am in pain. My gall bladder has been ruled out. So now we're checking for ulcers. 

I have been turned upside down, spun, probed, and pricked—and not necessarily in that order. I've been asked to lay face up. I've been asked to lay face down—sort of like my honeymoon.  The other day a nurse was putting an IV in my hand, and she said, "OK, how's that?" I said, "About as good as having a needle stuck in your hand could be, I guess." I know she wasn't trying to hurt me, but I still have a bruise on the back of my hand. 

This morning I had to drink barium all while being photographed—internally. I did get to see my guts though. And that was pretty cool. I got to watch what it looks like when I'm swallowing. I saw my stomach and small intestine. And my stomach is a lot smaller than I thought it would be—surprisingly. I couldn't tell if I have ulcers or not. I'll leave that to the radiologists. 

I'm getting to know the staff at Mon General's radiology department pretty well. Maybe we'll vacation together this year—not. 

I am looking forward to feeling better. I'm really sick of all of this. I want to get back to the gym. I just want to be well. 

Sorry I Haven't Been Around

Sorry I haven't been around. I'm still sick I think I'm having gall bladder issues. But, if that is the case, it certainly answers a lot of questions and I finally know why I've been sick for about six months.

I'm Gonna Try It

I'm going to try alli. I'll start it this weekend. But, you know, just doing something about my binging is making me feel better. I'm gettin' ready to get back to work. I came too far in the past two years to just let it all go to hell in a hand basket.

Sorry, I was supposed to write an update today, but didn't get to it. I had to go the doctor first thing this morning. Allergies. And I have an ulcer that's bothering me. And my leg still hurts. I'm a mess. I almost called my niece to call to take me to the doctor. But then I thought, "My God, I'm not that old. I can get to the doctor on my own. What's wrong with me?" Anyway, I went. And guess what? I have allergies. No Kiding. I just spent $140 so you could tell me something I already know. But he was a nice guy overall. He suggested I use a neti pot--you know one of those nasal cleaning pots that Dr. Oz talsk about on Oprah all the time. Well, they work. When I was using it before, I had to try to remember if I did have allergies.

So that's all for now.

Wondering If Alli Is Worth It

I was wondering if anyone has tried Alli? And whether the thought of the worst possible side effect actually happening keeps you in line? And does it work? Or just end up embarrassing you?

I Don't Want to Miss the Bus

I'll update tomorrow. I'm still suffering with sinusitis despite taking an antibiotic. I finally broke down and made an appointment with an ENT. I have suffered with allergies ever since I can remember. I can remember lying around on the couch because I didn't feel like doing anything else, and my mom being pissed at me because she thought I was being lazy. Anyway, my face is swollen (pretty picture, huh?), my nose is congested, and I feel like I can't breathe. And I have deep, dark circles under my eyes--which they tell me is because of an allergy to mold. Rain, rain go away.

Every time I take a vacation, I get sick. On the bright side, I have no appetite. But I don't feel like exercising. I had such big plans for this week. But anyway, I said I wasn't going to start over until June 5. And that's next week.

I keep dreaming that I'm waiting for a bus. I have to go through a maze to get to the bus stop, and then I'm not sure if I already "missed the bus" or not. I can remeber that "this is how I caught the bus before." And I'm hoping the same thing will work now. Pretty obvious, huh?

The Windmills

Are these cool or what?

It Was the Drugs

P.S. It turned out to be the antibiotic. Cipro--it made me lightheaded and nauseated. Gak.

I'm Looking for the Windmills

It's past midnight. I still can't sleep. My stomach has been full of air, making me into a burping machine. Anyway, it's starting to feel better. I think I will do something different tomorrow. I might go see the windmills. (No, I don't intend to fight them. I just wanna see 'em.)

Depression has been keeping close track of me. And I'm really feeling somewhat lucid. I want to go see the windmills.

Sick Again, God Help Me

Well folks, I'm sick again. This time I think I have bronchitis. My chest hurts and feels heavy. And to top that off, I think I have a bladder infection. I haven't made it to the gym at all. But on the bright side, I haven't been eating much either. This is what I get for walking around in the rain on Saturday—and that's a long story that I won't get into.

Yesterday, I slept all day. I can't take being sick anymore. I should have bought stock in MedExpress.  I wonder if it is a publicly trade comp[any. I'll have to check that out. God knows I've given them enough money. They ought to be making a killing. 

Anyway, sorry I haven't been around. But I'm working on getting back into the whole "health thing." Wish me luck. I need it right now. 

Made It Again

Made it to the gym again today. Still an abbreviated workout, but a workout nonetheless.

Light news day otherwise.

All's Quiet for Now

I made it to the gym—even though I took the scenic route. I accidentally went the way I usually go to work, which adds at least another 10 minutes to the trip. But I got there. 

I'm still thinking about the personnel training sessions. And still working on the diet. Not much else to say about that.

I had the girls all weekend and both of them ended up being sick—one on Friday night and the other on Saturday night. I'm too old to be up all night with sick kids. It's taken me three days to recover. 

I hope I can continue going to the gym bright and early. Well, we'll see what happens tomorrow. 

There's No Need to Fear

OK. Now I'm supposed to tag five other bloggers. And, by the way, Vicki, thanks.

I Can't Sleep Because I'm Thinking about Exercise

I'm up late. I can't sleep. But I've got to relax. So I guess it's a hot bath soon.

I'm thinking of buying 12 personal training lessons--the more you buy the cheaper they are. Anyway, it should cost me around $540. I'm getting back to the gym next week. But I'm going to start out slow. I'll buy the personal training sessions the week after, and then I'll have two sessions a week for the next six weeks. I wish I could afford a personal trainer twice a week every week. But, alas, I cannot.

So that's what's keeping me awake. I'm thinking too much.

Being Mindful of Where I Need to Go

I'm trying to figure out how to get my motivation back to where it was 18 months ago. But I can't seem to work up the state of mind that it takes. That got me to wondering, what is the psychological mindset that it takes to get into the groove? What is that motivator? I'm sure it's different for everyone. But what was it that made me "ready" 18 months ago that I'm having trouble recapturing today?

For one thing, I was so fat I couldn't bend over to pick something up that had fallen on the floor. For another thing, I spent about a month mentally preparing myself for what would be a long and difficult journey. I watched FitTV even if I didn't workout. I looked for healthy recipes even if I didn't prepare them—yet. I read other blogs. But the whole time, I kept telling myself that on this particular date in the future, I would begin.

So that's the point I'm going to start at today. I'm not going to rush myself. I'm going to stop pressuring myself with internal talk like, "By next Friday I will be" how ever many pounds I've decided is a good number. I'm saying one month from today, I am going to begin again. Until then, I will be preparing. Not by eating everything in sight, but by becoming mindful of what it is that I need to do.

So my beginning date is June 5.

Play It Again

Once again, I'm starting over.

Oh, My Aching Back

Well, I injured my back over the weekend. It's not real bad, but if I turn toward the right or try to bend over, the pain is stabbing. Anyway, I'll work through it.

I had the girls all weekend. It was quite a time. We're working on the "May I please have another" whatever? Rather than "Gimme some more." Wow. Spoiling them was easy. Un-spoiling them is going to be hard.

I guess I don't need to say that I didn't make it to the gym this morning. I will get back tomorrow and do some mild stretching exercises.

OK. That's it for now.

Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Little Dog Gone?

I feel bad that I haven't been posting. I finally got my Internet service at home. It took long enough. (And the most amazing thing is that I'm paying for this.)

I'm still keeping a food journal. I believe it helps.

I've also been really depressed. I can't figure out how to get beyond it. (I'm already taking antidepressants. What else can I do? Oh yeah. Exercise.)

I haven't been to the gym this week. I will get there tomorrow. I have to go at least twice.

Sorry I don't have much to say. I could talk about my dogs escaping from the yard. That was a real heart stopper. Once they got out, they weren't really sure about what they could do. They came so soon as I called them. Thank God they were OK.

This morning I was almost killed on the way to work. I got the asshole's license number though.

I wish I had the gumption (one of Mom's favorite words) to do something. I just want to retire.

I'm at the Mercy of Verizon

I haven't posted in a while. But that doesn't mean I haven't been doing anything. I'm trying to workout often, and I'm keeping a food journal again. It's the diet that always slays my progress. Keeping a journal of what I'm eating during the day helps me keep track of how much I've eaten. I know. That's kinda like, "Duh." But a lot of people don't keep a journal, and I think they might do a lot better if they did.

Home is much the same. I did get my fence fixed. Actually I had some new fencing put up because the old was so bad it couldn't be repaired. I keep looking out the window at my new fence because I can't believe it's fixed.

I bought some flowers to plant, but Caleb decided to destroy them. I could've killed him, but I didn't. He didn't know they weren't for him. Still, I can't believe the little shit did it.

Anything else? Easter came and went. Yes, the bunny came to visit the girls. I did go overboard with the candy. That's when I decided a food journal was my only hope.

I'm still without Internet at home. Still waiting for Verizon to show up and fix it. I could say more, but will hold my tongue for now. However, it is the top reason I haven't posted in a while. I can't post if I can't get on the Internet. (Do you have any idea how many times these bastards have wanted to email me with updates? How I'm I going to get them? Really?)

Ok. Ok. I'll have more later when I get my service back.

Hiding in a Cave in Afghanistan

Last night I dreamed I was hiding in a cave in Afghanistan. I was worried that the people there would find me before I could get out. I was sure I was leaving soon—even expecting it. But I still feared I would be found if I wasn't careful. Someone else was there with me, but I cannot remember who it was. It may have been my brother, but the image is vague.

I sneaked the occasional peek outside—mostly to find out if anyone was near my hiding place. As I watched the people, I marveled at how different their life was from mine. I noticed that they got a great deal more exercise than Americans—most of their day was spent walking to get water or to work in their fields. I felt compassion for them. But I also felt envy because we had lost much of the drive that they had to better themselves. I guess I was thinking that as Americans, we think we are above manual labor. And in my view that it sad because we lose the pride and joy of that comes with making something with your own hands—whether it's a garden or some other manufactured product.

In the midst of my wonderment, however, I was still fearful. I knew if the people found me, they wouldn't like me just because I am an American. I wished that things weren't the way that they are.

Anyway, it was a pretty deep dream. It seemed like it was brief—maybe lasting 10 minutes. And it didn't have a resolution. I woke up before I actually got out. So what does it mean? Maybe that I've been watching the news entirely too much.

Still Waiting for Spring

I know. I haven't posted for a while. I haven't had Internet service at home for about two weeks. It's getting frustrating. If I had known what I know today, I never would've switched my service.

I made it to the gym four days last week, and, so far, today this week. I like working out. I'm just having a time getting out of bed. But I'm getting better.

As far as the diet, I'm trying to eat things that are good for me. I figure if I stuff myself with carrots it won't be as bad as miniature Hershey bars. Sometimes, for me anyway, it's just the act of eating something that satisfies me. I am a compulsive eater, no doubt. I'm always in the "what-can-I-eat-next" mode. So i've been going for baby carrots, grape tomatoes, and apples—things that take a while to eat and really are a source of vitamins and fiber. Don't forget fiber. Boy, that has an effect, doesn't it?

So that's where I'm at. But I'm doing OK. I feel OK. Having my girls around me helps my mood. I love them so much. Also, I'm still playing piano—well, learning to play piano. I'm getting better at that, too.

On Sunday, it was 70 degrees. Today. it's snowing. My sinuses are suffering. When will it finally be Spring?

Off to the Zoo—And I Didn't Think about Eating

For the past couple of weeks, I've only posted on Mondays. It's not that I haven't been exercising and watching what I eat. It's just that when I sit down to write, I feel like I have nothing new to say. I worked out four days last week—much better than previous weeks. I lost two pounds—of the weight I put on from not exercising. I really do enjoy going to the gym—and I'm getting my motivation back. So that's good news.

I've also been trying to find things to do besides sit around trying to figure out what i can eat next. I took the girls to the zoo on Saturday and walked around for two-and-half hours. My legs were tired, but it wasn't bad. I also didn't think about eating while we were there. And that, my friends, was a big plus.

Someone emailed me this page. I looked it over quickly, and it looks like a legitimate site. I hope you find something you can use.

Well, it's Monday. And I have two meetings today. What a way to start a week.

I Don't Want to Waddle through Life

You probably thought I left town or something. I've been busy getting my house fixed up—oh, and babysitting. But I love having my girls around.

I've made up my mind to get back into my habits that got me this far. I've been back sliding for a while now, and I don't feel any better for it. I feel worse. I made it to the gym this morning. I've been eating better. The thought of returning to what I was has been too frightening. I could not face life if all I could do was waddle through it.

So I'm back on track. Yea.

Nothing to Say

When I woke up this morning, I couldn't believe it was Monday already. I had four days off. I used them to organize my house. I feel much better about living there now. I got some new furniture for the living room and a bed for the girls. Life is better, but I've still got a ways to go.

The girls stayed all weekend. And a good time was had by all. Ha, ha, ha.

I made it to the gym this morning. My eating binges have slowed.

Works sucks.

I think that about covers it. Sorry I haven't had much to say lately. I hope I have a lot to talk about soon, but I can't be sure.

You Can Get Fat on Anything

I'm still looking for that motivation that got me started. While I don't want to end up in a deep depression like I was before, I'm not sure how to really wake myself up. The pain in my knee and leg is making me want to baby myself. And it's not that that's a bad thing. I think I'm babying myself too much. Why? Because there are exercises I could be doing. But again today, I'm resting. I will be at the gym tomorrow.

My eating has slowed down a little. That's the real damage. Depression and emotional eating have been my downfall throughout my life. As I have said many times before, I use food the way an alcoholic uses alcohol. But at least I'm using healthy food, right? (That's sarcasm. Ri-i-i-ight.) Believe me, you can get fat on anything--whether it's white or wheat bread, too much is too much.

I have the next two days off from work. I'll be cleaning my house today. I'm getting some things done around here with the help of my brother. And I have to say, it has improved my mood. But there's still a long road ahead. Sometimes, just the thought of how much there is to do overwhelms me. But getting it done will not only lift my mood, it could help me lose weight because so much of it is physical labor.

Anyway, that' my day. If you have struggled through emotional eating and have found a way to deal with it, please give me advice. I need it.

Jumper's Knee Is the Culprit

I was thinking back to when I first started this journey. And i was trying to remember what the breaking point was for me. What made me decide that it time to lose weight? I was tired of being out of control. I was tired of not being able to get around like I wanted. But I feel that way now. And I'm not able to stay motivated. One reason, my leg injury. After some research, I think that it's something I've been in denial about. It's not my hamstring. It's not a muscle cramp. It's my knee. And the pain is now radiating down my leg as well as up my leg. It's on the outside right of my leg, but the back of my knee is where the real pain is. I have all of the symptoms of "jumper's knee." At least there's a name for it.

In younger people, jumper's knee is caused by, well, jumping. In older people, it can be related to osteoarthritis. Guess which one is likely the cause of mine? Really, it's probably a little—or maybe even a lot—of both.

What to do about it? Wrap it and take an anti-inflammatory—which I can't take because I have an ulcer. If it's really bad—surgery. I think I'll start by wrapping it and taking Tylenol.

So that's one thing that's gotten in my way. Another is a plateau that I hit last year. It was a real chain jerker. I started to feel like: What's the use? But now I've gained back 10 of the pounds that I lost. I think today is a new awakening. The shock when I got on the scale this morning was a real motivation booster. I cannot go back to what I was two years ago. It would be too painful.

So how do I start? Like I did two years ago—slowly. First I'll start with the diet. Then I'll walk more—which, believe it or not, is good for osteoarthritis. I'll keep up with the strength training. At the gym, I'll do either the glider elliptical, the rowing machine, or walk on the track. I want to be healthy—not model thin. So my goal is to be healthy.

Groggy and Spastic

I had my final of four personal training session today. The workout was good. It was something I think I could do on my own. Lots of rowing and then walking the track—followed by some strength training.

Over the weekend my hamstring muscle started acting up again. I wish it would just get better. It's a muscle spasm, for sure. I try to keep it stretched out, but it always comes back. Sooner or later.

The time change has left me tired—although once I get used to it, I like it much better.

Well, once again I don't have much to say.

Are there really any new ideas?

I made it to the gym today. I did aerobics and stretching for about an hour. I've got to remember to stretch in between periods of aerobics. My legs are feeling better, but they did get crampy while I was on the treadmill. I need some new music as well. Being back at the gym regularly is more natural for me. I feel at home there. I probably will continue with my gym after I finish the weight management program.

Geez. I wish I had more to say. It's hard to come up with some new idea about losing weight. Everything boils down to calories in/calories out. Sure, low carb diets seem to work a little better. But they cut the amount you're eating, too. I try to stay away from simple carbs—but I do eat lots of fruit and vegetables. I just don't know what else I can tell anyone about dieting that hasn't already been said.

I enjoy exercising. And I think that's the key to making it a habit. I wish I could afford more personal training sessions. I guess I'll have to come up with my own workout soon. I have several exercises to pick from now. During my personal training sessions, I have done a few exercises that I really like. I'll see what I come up with and write it down here.

Well, I have much to do this afternoon.

Time Change Next Week

Another personal training session this morning. Ugh. But, in reality, I wish I could afford a personal trainer three times a week. She works me harder than I would myself. I tend to take it easy on me. It'll be good to know some other exercises to do besides the ones I was doing. Maybe I can workout my own plan for a month or so, and then switch it up.

The time changes next week. That's gonna be hard for me. But I like Daylight Savings TIme better than standard time. I like having more time in the evening to do things. And since Caleb has dug up my background—it look like a family of gophers, including aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents, moved in—I'll need lots of time to repair the damage he's done.

I wish I could retire—you know if I had enough money and everything.

Well, it's going to be a long day. So I better get moving.

Looking for Some Spark

On Wednesday night I have piano class. It makes for a very long day. So on Thursday, I feel like I didn't get much rest. And I got up and went to the gym.

I'm working hard to get back into a routine. I made it to the gym four times this week. I haven't gotten sick—knock on wood. But I am totally worn out today.

I have tow more personal training sessions coming up. One this coming Monday, and one the Monday after that. I'm hoping this sparks some new motivation.

I still don't have a lot to say. So. . . .

Typhoid Mary Strikes Again

It appears that the bacteria Streptococcus had other plans for me last week. I was down with one of the worst cases of strep throat I ever had in my life, including the time I was in third grade. Ugh. I hate being sick all of the time. Once again, I'd like to thank my niece Typhoid Mary for another bout of illness.

I went to my personal training session today, and I bought two more. I really want to get back into the swing of things. So knock on wood, I hope can this week.

Nauseating Workout

Even after yesterday's nauseating workout, I made it to the gym again today. I did 30 minutes of cardio and some stretching. Tomorrow will be cardio and weights. I'm beginning to feel better. I may try to figure out my own workout. Who knows?

Wow. I can't think of anything to say.

Stop. I'm Gonna Puke

You know on the Biggest Loser when people are working out so hard they puke? Well, that's what my personal training session was like this morning. I thought I was going to puke. I still feel shaky. And I scheduled another one for next Monday. What was i thinking? Oh, it's all good. I'll be glad I did it—sooner or later.

I had the girls this weekend. That was fun. We went to the mall and walked 'til out legs were stubs. They were playing with baby dolls on the way home, and Liberty—the four-year-old—was telling hers, "I love you baby. I can't hit you baby." I thought I was going to die laughing. Soon after, they fell asleep. Where do they come up with this stuff?

One time when we were in a restaurant, Liberty—the same one—was standing up on the chair. I told her to sit down, and she looks at me and announces at the top of her lungs, "You can't hit me." I was mortified. I want you to know that I have never hit her in my life. It's funny now, but at the moment, I was like, "Oh dear God, I cannot believe you just said that."

So I'm working on getting back into exercising. My goal for this week is to go the gym five mornings. After today, anything I do on my own will pale in comparison.

Happy Valentine's Day—It's Really Tomorrow, But Who Cares, Really?

I made it to the gym four out of five days this week. Monday I have a personal training session at 5:30 a.m. That should prove interesting. But I can do that for one day. Right? This morning I did 45 minutes of cardio. I feel so much better—like I have enough oxygen now. Yesterday I was sleepy all day. My legs kind of ache though.

I try to make a big deal out of Valentine's Day for one reason—my husband died of sudden cardiac arrest, and I want people to take car of themselves so that they don't leave their loved ones too early. So I give Valentine's Day cards. I give Shoebox greeting cards from Hallmark. They're expensive, but they are the funniest cards going. Anyway, I think people enjoy them. Happy Valentine's Day.

I Don't Feel Like I'm Having a Heart Attack

Well, I've made it to the gym two days in a row. I set up two more personal training sessions—one for next Monday and one for the following Monday. I'm going to get back into working out, even if it kills me.

I was working out on an elliptical this morning, not paying much attention to the heart rate monitor, when I look down and it says 175. I'm thinking, "That cannot possibly be right." So I took my hands off of the handles and wiped them. Grabbed them again, and the new reading was 131. OK. So I know that my heart rate didn't drop that fast in a matter of five seconds. But it scared the pee out of me for a minute—well, not literally. The monitor obviously doesn't work when your palms are sweaty. I think I would know if I were experiencing tachycardia. But you never know.

Beware if you take over-the-counter diet pills. In this article, F.D.A. Finds ‘Natural’ Diet Pills Laced With Drugs, the agency says that some of the ingredients can be deadly. So be careful.

Well, I have a lot to do today. I am hoping that I'll be writing that I made to the gym again tomorrow.