Migraines Now?

Hello all. Well, I'm going to the doc again today. I think I'm having migraines. My symptoms: bad headaches, nausea, swirling lines and flashing lights before my eyes. Sick. Just plain sick.

Preparing for Another Beginning

Well, I set up some appointment reminders to go the gym beginning Monday. I also set up the reminder for Boot Camp beginning March 8.

Grudgingly I added up all the calories I've eaten already today. I was surprised that it didn't come to as much as I thought it would. 1,962 calories. I thought it would easily be close to 3,000. OK. So the day's not over. But the exercise gave me some insight to how much I'm actually eating. It's been like this for several weeks. I have got to stop it. And I think I'm closing in on being ready.

I made up some food log sheets to begin using immediately. I'll carry them with me. That's really the only way I can do it.

Something triggered me a while ago. I don't know exactly what it was. I've been eating ever since. I've been lying around the house on the verge of tears most of the time. What happened? I'm not sure. I got overwhelmed with life—started isolating myself. Telling myself there's no reason to keep at it because I'm failure and I'll always be a failure. I know that's not true.

I like myself better when I'm exercising and eating healthy food. I don't like myself when I'm like I am now.

Ghosts and Goblins

As I was on the verge of falling asleep last, I kept getting the feeling there was a presence in the room with me. It kept trying to get in my face. I told it to get away, and I didn't want it bothering me. I think I tried to scream but was in that paralyzed state. Also, I was afraid it was going suffocate me.

I've heard this sometimes happens to people when they're in between sleep and waking, and it really isn't anything paranormal. But it's a really weird experience. I got up sometime around midnight and had some milk. After I went back to bed, it stopped. Has this ever happened to you?

H&R Block Online Tax Update? Really, H&R Block?

I just did my taxes online and I thought I was going to pull my hair out. H&R Block claimed they updated their e-file system to make it better. OK. Then why did it take 20 minutes to figure out what "remove non-alpha characters" meant? Really H&R Block? Remove non-alpha characters, seriously? Why not just say remove the decimal point from this entry? It's supposed to be user friendly. User Friendly. Not  a "computer geek's" joke on the tax paying people who use the system. Get over yourselves.

Trigger Foods

Trigger foods. We all have them. For some it may be chips, others chocolate. For me, I have a couple. A big one is, believe it or not, hot dogs. I will eat them until the entire package is gone. I do the same thing with bologna. I think it must be the salt. But I'm not really sure what it is. Maybe I associate pleasant childhood memories with them. Hot dogs are typically a cookout food. Maybe they remind me of times when my family was almost functional.

Once I get started, though, the hot dogs are like a drug. The taste. The texture. The smell. The softness of the bun. The chewiness. The taste of the ketchup. Sometimes I eat chili dogs—and that's a big one, too. Chili dogs with cole slaw. Here's a thought: they were a favorite of my Dad's.

Oh my God. I'm having a revelation right now, and I didn't plan it. My Dad = chili dogs. My Mom = ice cream. My two biggest trigger foods. Holy Crap. I gotta go think about this.

I Just Want to be Alone

1,010 in 2010 has a pretty cool giveaway. Stop by his blog and check it out.

As for me, I'm staying home again today. I just couldn't go out and negotiate that snow again. Right now, I'm doing the addict thing by isolating myself--and I know I'm doing it. Please don't tell me to just get out of the house. You know what? Even if I did, I don't have any place to go--except work. And that's depressing the hell out of me. Going in there and having people talk to me like I'm four years old is getting really old. I wish I had never written that grant. But I can't really go into that here.

I'm in a snappy, bitchy mood, too. I've had a bad cold over the last week and a sinus headache to match it. I'm depressed. I'm pissed off. And I don't want to be around anyone.

Currently the only people I really talk to are my blogging friends. I don't really have anything to say to the people who are right in front of me.

Well, it's snowing again. I'm waiting for just one day where it doesn't snow and maybe there's a little sunshine.

My test yesterday was to see if I disconnected a link that I no longer wanted my blog appear on. I think it worked.

Well, I hope I have someting positive to say soon. Boot camp starts March 8. Maybe that will jolt me out this abyss.

This is just a test.

Thanks for Stopping By. I'm Sick, Not Ignoring You

Thanks for stopping by to everyone. Sorry I haven't been too active, but I'm really sick. This has been one ugly weekend. I'm sick. My brother had an accident--he's OK but shaken. And Chance--my collie--is sick. So, we're all in a bad way. I hope I'm over this soon. God knows I have to be by Monday. Why? Because I have things to take care of.

Isn't it funny how other people have lives? And we're not just here as ornaments to dress up a party, or as extras for the people who think they are the only ones who count while they make their acceptance speeches? Yes. We have actual lives. And don't like to lie around sick.

So OK. Right here, I would love to go into a rant about people being sick and going to school or work, and then those people thinking that everyone must secretly think what saints they are--when really everybody's thinking, "Just stay away from me." But I won't because I'm going to go to bed and try to get some sleep.

I cut that short because I've had an internal rant going all day. I don't want to keep it going all night.

Deep Thoughts by Kathy

Thought for the day: Never allow yourself to utter the words, "My troubles are over," out loud. If you do, the universe will answer you with, "That's what you think."

I Predicted This

I got up this morning--eyes sore, nose stuffed up, throat scratchy--and looked outside. It's (the snow) still there plus some. So for right now at this moment in time, I'm not going out there. I have nothing pressing. I did all of that yesterday. And it's 12 miles from my house to work with the two miles from my house to main road being the most treacherous. If I can get out, I worry all day about, "How am I going to get back?"

I predicted in October (or maybe it was even earlier) that this would be a bad winter. My sinuses have the worst they've been in years. I think my sinuses may be as good or even better than a barometer.

A Kick in the Pants
As for diet and exercise, I still haven't been exercsing. But Journey Beyond Survival has agreed to help me out, supplying motivation, inspration, and a kick in the pants. Thank you for being there. I am hoping that the next few days bring a new attitude with them. 

OK. That's it. I have a headache.

It's Another One of Those Days

I'm having a day where I feel bloated and like I'm getting a cold.

The weather here is still terrible. I drove to work today white knuckled. I followed a Subaru going 40 miles an hour on I-79. I felt safe there. I thought it must be an old lady driving the car, but it turned out to be a middle-aged man. Who would've thought?

Getting out in the morning to get the gym has been almost impossible. I hope to get back into going in the morning next week. I also want to try out a new gym just to see if I'm more comfortable there.  I'm also really hoping I have more to say soon.

Going Stir Crazy

We are still snowed in here. WVU was closed today. That's like a once in a decade occurance. Being snowed in is making me a little stir crazy. It's also making me want to graze. I hope I get out of here by tomorrow.

I've been collecting nuggets of wisdom. Here are a few:
Carnie Wilson said: A friend of mine told me that you're only as sick as your secrets.
Dr. Drew Pinsky: Boredom really equals depression in an addict.

OK. So those are the only two I have. But they really hit home with me. Like I've said before, hiding things isn't healthy. Puttering around the house bored really means I'm too depressd to do anything else. I think I've been avoiding the world. There was a time when I wasn't like this. Ever since my husband died, though, I've been a different person. And I think the truth is that I'm scared.

How's that for an ending today?

Just a Note for Now

I wanted to write this down so I would remember it--You are only as sick as your secrets. I'll write more about that tomorrow. It's just a note for now.

February Snow

This is just to give you an idea of the amount of snow from this storm. This is my backyard and my brother's car parked in my driveway.

Boot Camp Looming: Excited But Not Ready

I'm going to begin my day by being honest. I haven't been exercising, and I'm getting lazier by the day. I'm still careful about the eating—but exercise. . . . Here's the thing: The March 8 date to begin the boot camp I signed up for is looming. And I'm not ready. I've been doing a little walking here and there, but that's it. And by a little walking, I mean like around a grocery store. I have no miles to add to my dailymile tracker. I feel terrible.

Even though the boot camp is going to be hard, I'm looking forward to it. I'm hoping new rounds will run all summer and into the fall. I need something to kick my ass. I need a kick start. I don't like exercising by myself. I like group exercise. I like classes. But I'm also a morning exerciser. So this boot camp should be the thing I need to get me going.

What I Can Control
I figured out that I can't control everything in my life, but I can control my eating and exercise. If all else fails, I can control how I deal with emotional eating. I can confront the eating and ask myself why I'm eating when I'm not hungry. I can find out what it is I'm really hungry for.

I've just got to get a little more wind before this thing starts, and I'm in the middle of it.

I Want a New Drug

This day has all of the makings of "one of those days." But what are ya gonna do? My windshield washer on my car won't work. Had to drop it off at the shop. If it weren't the middle of winter, I might not worry about it so much. But I gotta have it on days when it snows—ya know, when trucks pass you and splash crap all over your windshield.

Other stuff suggests that I probably should've got out of bed. But I've decided not to go into any of that here.

New Thyroid Drug
Yesterday, my doctor put me on a new thyroid medication. This is a compound from a pharmacy in Canada. I'll let you know how it works out. I was taking Armour Thyroid. But I've heard that they changed the formula and people weren't doing so well on it. I've been sick for a while. Maybe it's related.

When I was first diagnosed with thyroid disease in the early '90s, I took Synthroid. I never did well on it. My hair fell out, finger nails cracked, and I had horrible painful, periods. Those were just some of the things that happened. For the most part, it was like I wasn't taking anything for my disease.

Then I found Mary Shomon's site. What a Godsend. Up to that point, I had no idea that I had options other than Synthroid. I didn't know that doctors only wanted to treat thyroid disease inside a certain range and that anything inside that range was considered OK or normal. After reading her site, I realized I wasn't getting the treatment I really needed. So I found a doctor who would prescribe something other than the hyped up drug currently being touted. That's when I finally started getting better.

So, we'll see. Maybe this new drug will help me get back to being myself. Depression is a big part of thyroid disease, at least it is for me. I'm hoping this will help.

P.S.
I forgot to explain the previous post. I had to post that phrase on my blog so that a blog service I signed up for could verify my blog. Nothing too mysterious. But kinda funny.