Codependent No More

Well, hello. It's been a while. Yes, I've away from blogging for more than a week. But I've been using that time to evaluate my life—to take a physical, emotional, and, yes, a moral inventory. I'm wrapping up therapy, and I am going back to Al-Anon. I had my first meeting yesterday. It was enlightening and powerful.

Yeah, I know. Al-Anon is supposed to be anonymous. And it will be for everyone in my group. I'll never share anything that any of them say. However, I will have no secrets about anything I am doing that helps me move forward and build a better life. I am willing to do whatever it takes. I will disclose what's ailing me. Number one: I am a codependent personality. I seek out people whose life purpose is to suck the life out other people. The drama queens. The addicts. The people whose lives are in constant crisis. Why? Because I think I can fix them. I'm still struggling with a childhood that I couldn't fix. So I try to fix other people. What I'm learning is I'm really the only person I can fix. That's what I intend to do. Fix me.

And I have made progress. I have a much better sense of myself and a better sense of when I'm jumping into a relationship that's all about someone else. I can now catch myself before I fall.

So forgive me if I'm away for long periods. I'm working on creating a new me. And right now I feel more confident than I have in a long time. But I also know that feeling will come and go. And that it's OK. I will try to post something at least once a week—more if I have more to say. But right now, I'm just beginning. But do stay tuned. I hope I say something that will help you, too. 

Love Never Dies

Today is the 18th anniversary of my Mother's passing. I still have trouble believing that she's actually gone—even though I've had 18 years to get used to it.

Mom was, well, something else to put it mildly. She was a character, a singer, a crazy lady, a downer, an upper, an idiot, a genius, a joyous spirit, a depressed loon, a myth maker, an illusion shatterer, a wacky dancer, a tender soul, a mortal enemy, a best friend, and many, many other things. But of all things that she was most of all, she was my mother. And I miss her.

To you Mom, I love you and miss you. 

Still Here

Hey all. I've been involved in a home renovation project, and have had little time. But, it's all good, right? 

Harvested some lettuce from my little container garden last night. Pretty good if I do say so. 

I'll have a more detailed post soon. Just wanted you to know that I'm still around—the rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. Anyway, I'll be back soon. 

Making Decisions

It's been a while since I've been here. I've been doing a lot of thinking. I think I have decided not to do the Lap Band. I just keep having this nagging feeling that I have to try one more time on my own. And I keep having this nagging feeling that this is surgery I wouldn't do well with. I already have stomach problems, and after I went out to lunch with some friends yesterday, I was convinced that any kind of bariatric surgery would be a mistake. Not because they talked me out it. It was when my stomach suddenly started churning for no reason other than I had eaten something. Ever since i had the gallbladder surgery, I've had stomach issues. sometimes it comes on suddenly—like yesterday. Sometimes it builds up overtime. Anyway, you get the picture.

I'm winning!

OK, what am I going to do then? Get back into logging in to Sparkpeople.com for one. That'll be a start. And if I would just exercise, I'd be more than half way there. What I need is a workout partner. Someone I'm comfortable with that I can count on. When I did my absolute best was when I had workout partner. So how do I find someone? Advertise? Any suggestions? I checked the WV teams on Sparkpeople.com, but people don't seem to be consistent. I don't know where else to look. Also, I'd the person to be close to my age and preferably female—just for the sake of having more common interests. Men tend to try to win all the time. And I'm not in the mood for stroking egos. This is about me. Anyway, you get the picture here, too.

I'm also still trying to use therapy. I want to give that a fighting chance. Anyway, more when I figure out who I am.

Another Cold/flu/virus

Got another cold/flu/virus. It's the weather. It's keeping the germs active in the dampness. Ugh. I haven't done much this week. I haven't felt like it. But things will be moving along soon. 

Two More Miles

Walked another two miles with some co-workers who walk virtually everyday. I wangled myself a standing invite. Thanks Paul and Terry.

Walking

Walked with a friend at lunch time today. Feel good now.