No Internet, No Aerobics, No Diet

I had no frigging Internet all day yesterday. But Comcast has finally admitted that it "may be their fault." And they are coming today to fix it.

And there will be no early morning aerobics classes in August. Why? Because the fitness manager decided that not enough people were showing up. And why keep a class going when you can cut off your nose to spite your face? I think this has more to do with personal power than it does with an actual decision that it wasn't cost effective. True, many days I was the only one who showed up. But that wasn't the case everyday. So who are you really spiting? 

I'm still having trouble with the eating. And my appointment with the nutritionist isn't until August 11. I just need to be accountable to somebody. Maybe I could enlist a friend. I'm thinking a high protein diet may be the way go. I always do best on it. But once I get started eating grain, it's all over. Then I can't stop. 

OK. I have a lot to do before I leave today. So more tomorrow. 

It's Too Much Like Personal Training—What Did I Say?

I'm such a worrier. The EPA teleconference went fine. Just a few minor changes to the proposal overall—a little more detail here and there. I don't know why I always feel like something terrible is going to happen. I guess maybe if I prepare myself for the worst, I won't feel so bad when and if it does happen. 

I had no Internet access last night. It was very frustrating. This has been going on since Comcast started screwing around with the channel lineup—but ask them about it and they'll tell you there have been no interruptions in service and look at you with this blank expression. You why they do that? It's if they admit that service is being interrupted, they would have to give everyone credit on their bill. And God knows that can't happen. 

Well, there are no aerobics classes throughout August. I guess not enough people have been showing up, and the fitness manager thinks it's too much like personal training—what did I say?—to allow one person to take a class by herself—that means me. This kind of puts the screws to my fitness routine. But I guess a break won't hurt me. And I can find something else to do for a  while. But I want the classes back in the fall. 

I was sweating like crazy this morning. I guess the humidity is really high. I was literally drenched. I could have wrung out my t-shirt. I did 45 minutes on the treadmill and 20 minutes on a stationary bike. The bike was hard. I'm not used to riding a bike. I think this might help me step it up a little. 

Another busy day. I'll be back tomorrow. 

I Fear They Will Take Away My Grant

I'm still doing the intensive interval workout. I did it again this morning. I am convinced that exercise is the way go. It makes me feel so much better. 

Over the weekend I had my nails done. They still look pretty good. This little Vietnamese girl did them. And once she found out my name, she kept using it over and over again—sort of like when a kid learns a new word.

This morning I have a teleconference with EPA. I have this fear that their going to say, "Gee. We're sorry. We made a mistake, and you didn't get the grant after all. We decided to give it to some other person who may not really deserve it, but we like them better." And then my hopes will be shattered. I'll have to keep doing what I'm doing. Ugh.

But things aren't all bad. Have you ever had a moment in life where you just felt sexy? Maybe someone told you that you looked good, or it was the way someone looked at you? Well, this weekend, for a few moments, I felt sexy. And it felt good. I got a long, up-and-down stare followed by a gaze in the eye. It was a little weird, but it made me feel great. It made me feel sexy. And I haven't felt like that in a very long time—like way back when I first met my husband. He used to look at me like that—and then after a while, he just didn't get that look in his eye anymore. Now, he's gone. 

I feel like my right ovary is going to burst. I don't know what's up with that. It's either that or my appendix. 

OK. Busy day today. Wish me luck. 

Lots and Lots of Cardio

Thank God it's Friday. I did 30 minutes on an elliptical, 30 minutes on a treadmill, and 15 minutes on an exercise bike (I wanted to do 20 minutes on the bike but got sidetracked in a conversation with a fellow gym goer). So I burned about 700 calories this morning, according to what the equipment said anyway. I'm ready for a rest this weekend. By the time Friday gets here, I'm usually worn out.

Today I feel thin, even if it doesn't show on the scale. My gym friend commented that I look like I'm still losing—"You're losing inches though, aren't you?" he said.

"Yeah, a little," I said. "But I've been plateaued for a long time now. I've been hovering around the same weight since about February. And that's when it gets really hard. It's like: "why not go ahead and eat what I want? It's not like I'm losing weight anyway.'"

And that's where the trouble lies. I started eating too much, and then I reached a point where what I'm taking in and what I'm expending balance out. And that equals no weight loss. So, I've got to get the eating under control.

Well I have the weekend to chill out. So that's what I think I will do.

I Got A Lot of Wants

Aerobics this morning was hard. Toward the end of the week, I'm tired and it takes all I have to make through class. But I did it. Tomorrow is Friday and then I get a break for a couple of days.

I have so much work to do around the house, and I'm not getting anything done. The summer is flying by, and my living room walls are still in disrepair. I wish I had a lot of money so I could just hire someone to do all of the work that needs done. I know what I'd like to do, but I don't have the resources. I want to do a plank ceiling throughout the house to give it more of a cottage feel and look. I'd like to have recessed lighting in the kitchen. I want to rip out all of the paneling, then insulate the walls and put up a vapor barrier and then drywall. I'm thinking I'd like new kitchen cabinets, but I could get away without them for now. I want a tiled back splash and a hardwood floor in the kitchen. And I want a new dishwasher. I want new interior doors throughout, including the closets. I want a new backdoor. I want crown molding and new baseboards. I want a new ceiling fan in the living room, one in the kitchen, and one in my bedroom. I want my hardwood floors refinished. I want to remodel the basement. 

Those are a lot of wants, aren't they? But you know what? Mostly I just sit around and think about how great the house could look. I also want new windows and siding. And a two-car garage. I want a new fence around the backyard. I want a deck off the back of the house. I want landscaping. Is all of this asking too much? Probably.

Anyway, as usual the exercise part of my program is going well. The diet still needs a lot of work. If they would just stop making anything out of chocolate, I'd stand a chance. 

Today I am filled with "wants." I wish I could find a way to achieve everything I want to do. 

Three Pieces of Advice

This morning I was thinking about my exercise habit. Yes, it's become a habit. I go every morning. When I first started out, my trainer then told me to make exercise a morning ritual and it would stick. He was right. If I waited until after work, or some other time of day, I'd probably never do it. I'd find some excuse. Yes, it's hard getting up three hours before I need to be at work, but in the long run it's worth it. I have my exercise out of the way, and then I don't have to worry about it for the rest of the day. No excuses.

Also, one of the things that kept me going in the beginning was having an exercise partner. My partner has since quit, but my exercise became a habit. It's a part of my life—like brushing my teeth, combing my hair, or taking a bath—it's just something that I have to do. But in the beginning it's helpful to have someone waiting for you. Just make sure the person you choose is dedicated, at least for a little while. 

Another good support mechanism is the staff at my gym. Most of the morning crew knows me by name. The trainers and the people who work at the desk know who I am. The aerobics instructors know me as well. Building up as much support as you can really helps. And it doesn't hurt to have knowledgeable people around when you do need help. If they know you, they can help you on a level that you comfortable with. And they also know when to push you. If the staff at the gym you are currently going to don't have a supportive attitude, find another gym. There are a lot of them around these days. It's important to be comfortable.

Soooo. That's my advice for making exercise part of your routine. 

1. Do it in the morning. 

2. Have as much  support as you can find. 

3. Find a workout partner. 

Good luck. I hope this helps. 

I Can't Remember What It Used to be Like

Someone asked about the comparison of when I first started exercising to now—being able to workout for 90 minutes at a time. Wow. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering what awful shape I was in. When I first started exercising, I could barely move. It was a great effort just to bend over and pick something up. In fact, I couldn't really bend over. I could not touch the floor. Most times I just picked things up with my toes—if I could. I was breathless most of the time as well. I couldn't even get up from the couch once I laid my big ass down—it was the old turtle on its back thing.

Now, more than a year later, I can do most anything I want to do. I am more flexible. I can breathe—even when climbing stairs. This morning I did 30 minutes on an elliptical and 35 minutes on a treadmill—at about four miles per hour. I burned more than 600 calories. I can do a full sit up—in fact several of them. Last year, I couldn't have begun to do even one. I can press about 80 pounds. When I first started out, I couldn't stand back up between sets on the pull down lat machine. I would just sit there and hold the bar between sets. Now, I can stand back up with ease and can pull between 60 and 72 pounds, depending on how I'm feeling. I can press 140 pounds with my legs. And the list goes on.

The way I feel has changed dramatically. The way I feel about myself has changed dramatically. I have more confidence. I am more alert. I can shop for clothes in the regular-size section.

I have lost more than 60 pounds. I'd like to lose about 40 more, but I'm on my way. Exercise has become a part of my day—it's not something that I have to make time for. It's just something that I do. It's part of my routine. Some days I want to sleep in and not go to the gym—but I'm always glad that I did. I have a spring in my step that I thought was long lost.

Like I said earlier, my life has changed. I can barely remember what it used to be like.

And Another Work Week Begins

My home Internet connection was messed up all weekend. I had an Internet connection then I didn't have an Internet connection, and so on. I never knew if It would work or not. If I had a friend who knew a lot about this kind of stuff, it would make my day. Now, where can I find a friend like that?

I did the intensive interval workout this morning. Today was one of those days where I just wanted to stay at the gym. I wish I could've. I worked out for an hour and a half. I wish I could've done three hours.

Some days I really hate going to work. This is one of those days—I have a lot of "those kinds of days" don't I? Today particularly sucks because it's Monday. And it's the beginning of a week where my friend is on vacation—so I have no one to really talk to this week. But I'll survive—I guess.

I ate everything in sight over the weekend. Sunday, yesterday, I ate enough for two people—seriously I must've eaten 3,500 calories and that's a pound. It's not a wonder that I had so much energy this morning. Why is it that once I start eating like that, I can't stop? I'm like an alcoholic. What brought on this binge? Well, I'm not sure I can say. I did have a period after not having one for six months. And the hormone levels were crazy. I had all kinds of "cravings"—food being among them. The period really only lasted for two days. Today, I feel better. I slept well last night, even though I woke up a number of times. So I'm blaming hormones for my lack of willpower. I'm not sure I could've willed myself not to eat anyway.

I have an appointment with a nutritionist on July 31. I already know what she's going to say. But I do need to be accountable for the amount that I'm eating. And I hope this will help. If I actually have to turn in food journals to somebody, it'll make me think about how much I'm eating.

OK. I have a meeting this morning. And I have a long day ahead of me. So, TTFN.

Celebration

I just returned from having a manicure and pedicure. And it was awesome. There's something about having a man give you a pedicure--sensual. He massaged my legs--from the knee down don't get too excited JD. Wow. If you have never had a spa pedicure--get one. I feel relaxed. I feel pretty. My legs feel soft and smooth.

Every once in a while I get a manicure and pedicure. What a wonderful gift to give yourself. If anyone ever wants to give me a gift, please make it a manicure and pedicure. Ahhhhhh.

In other good news, my niece's ex-husband is going to jail. That's where the bastard belongs. He is going to prison for raping his own mentally challenged cousin. I could go into great detail, but I won't. It would just piss me off and probably make you mad, too. But he's going to jail. He didn't get enough time if you ask me, but he's going to jail. And that makes him a convicted sexual predator. So he won't be able to in the in the lives of his kids, and he doesn't need to be around them anyway. There is suspicion that he molested his oldest daughter--but there's no proof. I said I wasn't going to talk about it, and here I go. Anyway, he's going to jail. Let the celebration begin.

OK. That's all I wanted to say.

A Mighty Wind

I don't know if I ever told this story. But I was driving around with the check engine light on my car ON all of the time. And I had never changed the car into my name after Al died. Anyway, one Friday I finally got the car changed over into my name. On Monday, the check engine light went out. I did not have anything mechanically done to the car. Now you tell me what happened?

The road to good health is a long and windy one. (Windy can be either like a wind blowing or it can mean curvy—either way it works with weight loss.) I'm on a real sugar binge this week. I hope I can get over it soon. According to some new research (and don't ask me who did it) a low carb diet is better for humans than a low fat diet. It even helps lower cholesterol. Who knew?

I'm still doing the high intensity strength/cardio workout. This morning it felt particularly good to do it. Some days, that workout really helps me workout the stress in my life. This was one of those days. I especially liked doing the cardio part today. Geez, it helps me just blast through stress—especially if I go faster and faster. But I couldn't get my heart rate past 130 today. And that's not a bad thing. It's just that I have to work harder and harder to get to the same level of exertion that I did just a few months ago. And that means I'm now burning fewer calories. And that, of course, means I have to eat less. I don't know if I can.

I have a birthday party to go to this weekend. My youngest great niece is four years old now. What a stinker she is. And I may take Chance to a dog wash again. He has D.O. really bad. So that's it for my plans.

Oh, and after six months, I'm having a period. Who said nature was fair? I think I'd have to argue with that. It's not heavy by any sense of the word. But it's annoying. I'm crampy—but it explains a hellava lot. I think y'all know what I mean. 

OK. That's it for now. My Internet was out at home. So I don't know if I'll have it back this weekend or not. And that's annoying, too.

It's the Surprises that Really Count

I woke up at 4 a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. So now I feel overly tired. I'd love to take a nap. 

I did the aerobics class this morning. At least there was one other person besides me today. I guess the instructors have gotten the word that they can't teach a class with just one person in it. At least I'm committed to my exercise. But it does make me sad that I'll find something else to do on days that I'm the only one who shows up. 

I'm thinking of getting a manicure and pedicure tonight. I think that will make me feel better. 

OK. I didn't do it.

Life is full of twists and turns and nothing ever turns out the way you plan. But then I guess if you could plan every minute of your life, it won't be worth living. It's the surprises that take your breath away. 

Self Sabotaging

I reverted to an old workout this morning for a change of pace. It felt pretty good. I can feel progress. I guess that means I'm still burning fat. And I think I'm building a lot of muscle. I almost have a defined butt again. I can see the start of cheeks that are separate from my legs—know what I mean? 

I haven't done all that well with the eating yesterday and today. I bought trail mix on the way home last night and ate it all. It was a small bag, but it had five servings in it. This morning I ate a chocolate muffin. It's OK though. I'll figure out why I'm sabotaging myself sooner or later. 

The thing I did over the weekend—I'm going to do it again.

Keeping It Online

Geez. I don't even know where to start. I did something over the weekend that I can't talk about here. It was different and really not characteristic of me. Would I do it again? Maybe.

I've been trying to keep track of food. I've been keeping an online food journal through SparkPeople.com. It's a free service. Try it out. You can keep track of fitness and many other goals. There are blogs, message boards, and articles to help motivate you. And did I say it's free. I've seen other services like this one that you have to pay for. Anyway, I highly recommend it.

I'm still working out. Aerobics was canceled this morning. So I did 50 minutes on the elliptical and 26 minutes on the treadmill. I know. I'm fanatical. 

I don't have much time to write today. I have a meeting in few minutes.I hope I have lots of stuff to say tomorrow.  

Dealing with My Demons

Let's see. How can I say this? I don't define myself by my weight loss alone. But my weight is a part of me. While I was really fat, I could hide behind the fat. In this world, fat people are anonymous. No one pays attention to them—"ignore them and they will go away." I think that's more true for women than for men. Women are supposed to be these delicate little creatures. And if you don't think that way, you are in the minority. Anyway, for years I could operate under the radar. Now, I cannot. People—especially men—have noticed me. I get doors held open for me, a hand lent to help me descend the stairs of a bus—which I have taken—and many other things perhaps considered chivalrous but nice nonetheless. And I cannot say that I don't like it. But it feels strange. 

Also many people think I am the mother of my two little nieces even though I am old enough  to be their grandmother. I am, in fact, their great aunt. All of the exercise has taken years off of my appearance—and I'm not complaining about that. It's just that it feels strange. It's not something that I am comfortable with. But I could get used to it. 

When I say that I don't know who I am, it's that these kinds of things didn't happen to me for years. They happened to some other person in some other lifetime. This is unfamiliar territory to me. I'm walking on foreign soil, and I'm trying to figure out the exchange rate for the currency here. Anyone who has lost a significant amount of weight can tell you this is true. There are feelings and emotions that go along with it.

I never thought they should just do bariatric surgery on people without getting to the cause of why they got so fat to begin with. There's a reason people consume so much food that they become obese—and it's more than just a sedentary lifestyle. It's psychological too. It's the same kinds of reasons people become addicted to alcohol or drugs. It does something for you. It alleviates pain, loneliness, hollowness, shame, depression, and, you name it, many other emotions and feelings. It fills voids in your life. Somehow, it makes you feel better—in the beginning. But then, the cure becomes worse than the disease. And people lose their ability to cope without their drug of choice. And the cycle continues until they make it stop. People have to stop it themselves. And that's where the problems lie because people don't always have the tools to figure what in the hell happened to begin with, let alone how to make it stop.

And that's what I'm doing. I'm trying to figure out what in the hell happened so I can make it stop. And then all of the new found confidence can mean something and really take me places. 

What's in My Way?

Some days I wake up tired. This is one of those days. I did an hour on the treadmill this morning and then 20 minutes on the track. I thought it would be a good day to break things up a little. So I decided to take it little easier.

My emotions over the last day have been pretty much in check. Nothing overwhelming has happened. I've been able to control any emotional overeating. Today, however, I would like a large muffin. It just sounds good. I'm not sure if I want it because I saw a tray of them at the gym—why would they do that?—or because I'm craving something sugary. I think they are a trigger food for me—cakey sweetness. 

And as for emotional barriers—I'm not sure of who I am anymore. Does that make any sense? For the past 20+ years of my life, I have been a fat woman. If I lose weight, then who am I? I'm still trying to figure it out.

At work: I told her. It made me feel so much better. I am still behaving professionally. I think he finally has the message. 

At home: I'm getting some odds and ends cleared up. I got my front door fixed so I can at least use it. I'm having some lighting fixtures repaired and installed. 

It still keeps raining everyday. 

I Have My Fat Suit On

This morning I met with a psychologist at my gym. As part of our program, we have the opportunity to explore why we overeat. I had my first session today. I know that I'm an emotional eater—and any emotion will do. I eat when I'm angry, happy, sad, whatever. So what I needed were some tools to deal with it. I'm going to try using a rubber band wrapped around my wrist so I snap myself whenever I have a negative thought. I'm going to try tracking how I feel about myself when I want to overeat. You've probably heard all of this before. I have too. I'm just actually going to try to do it this time. 

And as it turns out, I have a lot of emotions going on right now. My number one difficulty is a fear of success—not failure but success. If I succeed in my weight loss goals, I won't know how I'm supposed to behave. I won't know who this person is. I've hidden behind my fat for so long that I'm not sure I can make it without my "uniform." I think that's also one of the reasons that I plateaued and couldn't get past it. So we'll see what happens if I snap myself enough times. 

Today I feel unsure of how to move forward. I have some ideas, but I'm not entirely sure. I want to meet my weight loss goals. I'm just not sure of how to get there. I'll write more later. 

Should I be committed? Ha, ha, ha

This what I started to write on July 4. When my little nieces showed up though, I stopped and didn't come back to it, until now:

"Today is Independence Day. And it's raining and will rain all day, so says the Weather Channel. "I don't know what this will do to my time with the girls. When they come to my house, they "look forward to playing outside. But it looks like that won't happen. So what will we do?

"I'm working on getting my commitment to my diet back. That commitment is the only way I'm "going to move forward. The exercise I've got down pat. It's that whole eating thing though. I "get so hungry. I usually eat things that are good for me. But I eat too much of them. "Sometimes I am truly physically hungry. Other times, though, I really don't think I can make "that claim. I am emotionally hungry. I am lonely. And that's really hard for me to admit. I miss "Al. Yeah, that's right. I still miss him. I wish I would've let him know how much I really cared "when he was still alive."

And all of this is still true. I have been working on my diet for the past two days. I'm doing pretty well. But I'm hungry. I completed that exhaustive interval workout this morning. And when I got to work, I was hungry. This is going to be tricky. How can I stay focused on eating a certain number of calories when I'm working out like this? I know it's the only way to lose the remaining weight. And I want to do that—seriously I really do. 

Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with a nutritionist who focuses on the emotional side of overeating. Maybe I can get to the bottom why I've been overeating most of my life—it just didn't have the effect that it has until I got older. Now the slightest indulgence shows up everywhere on my body. 

OK. I had so much I wanted to say, but now I can't remember half of it. 

I'm being professional at work. That's the best I can do. And it appears to be working out.

Someone tried to call me Friday night using a calling card. And a couple of weeks ago, I got a call from a "wireless caller." Two unidentified calls. I don't answer the phone if I don't know who it is. Then it kills me that I don't know who it is. I start thinking that maybe it was someone I really wanted to talk to. Why do I over think everything?

OK. I have no great stories to tell today. So I'll be on my way.

In a Class by Myself

Once again, I was the only one in aerobics class today. And it wears me out. It leaves so little room for slacking off when you're in a class by yourself. But, hey, I'm better for it, right?

We've got a three-day weekend coming up. I'm looking forward to it. Maybe I can sleep in a little. Maybe not. But at least I won't have to go to work. 

I have the girls this weekend. That'll be fun—or challenging as the case may be. 

Amazingly I can think of little to say today. I'm worn out. I feel like rubber. Maybe I'll write something later. 

Do you feel fat?

This morning I participated in a survey about whether you have any change in body image after losing a large amount of weight. My answer is: No. I still feel like a fat person. I have more energy. I can shop for smaller clothes. But I still feel fat. If I can avoid mirrors, my day goes OK. But if I see myself, I still see a fat person. I still walk like I'm fat. I still try to cover myself like I'm fat. While I really do have a way to go yet, I'm not so fat that I can't sit in a normal-sized chair. I guess maybe it's like that feeling you have if you've been wearing a ring or some other piece of jewelry for a long time—and then when you take it off it feels like it's still there. I don't really know.

Anyway, I have an appointment next week to discuss the emotional side of weight loss. In other words, why did I get this fat to begin with?

Most everything else is the same. I'm still doing the workout. I'm waiting for my book to arrive so I can begin that diet—The Rotation Diet. I signed up for a service called sparkpeople.com. It's free diet and fitness site. Pretty cool. Check it out.

So that's about it for today.